Welp, Looks Like Kelley's All Up To Date On Below Deck

Ben's date with Emily, that is...but KJ's not the only one SOL on this week's episode. Who's the biggest Deck poop?

It got rull ugly on Below Deck -- and I can't have been the only one who felt relieved that, after what felt like months of awkward build-up with Kelley trying to snuggle on Emily and Emily very Britishly not having it, that Band-Aid finally got ripped off. Not that things went particularly well for Kelley after that, but then, things didn't go particularly well for anyone except the guests, and at least Emily didn't let it get to the point with Kelley of his asking her on a proper date, then disingenuously pretending she just wanted to go fishing, then not fishing at all in lieu of sending selfies to "a friend" from home. She's the worst.

Or is she? Because both Lauren and Kate made big shows of staying out of it and reminding people what is and isn't their bidness, while sticking their noses into said bidnesses whenever they could (if not creating it, in Kate's case). Also, floor pizza. It's a race for last this week; who's the biggest Below Dick? From first to worst:

  1. Nico
    A willing Elvis who uses the term "moose knuckle" and describes (I assume) Jager shots as tasting like "cough syrup and ass." They totally do.


    Who has a better talking-head "ehhhhhhkweeehhhhhrd" face than this guy? No. Body. While literally putting out fires, no less.

  2. Captain Lee
    The nagging at Kelley struck me as excessive too, until the later-this-season reel unspooled at the end of the episode; it's quite possible KJ's fucking up in ways we don't see. Certainly the crew has a bad run towards the end there, leaving a sandwich press on, furnishing an unwanted trail of pizza in the hallway leading to the captain's quarters, and sniping at each other about blame territory while he sits right there in the lounge, waiting (and not very long) for them to unimpress him. I don't actually think Kelley's problem is that he's trying to be friends with his employees; I think it's that he struggles to think big-picture as a boss, which would track with Lee grumbling that he's sick of having to come up with "a plan of action for everything, every day."
  3. Kyle
    It's unfortunate that he got treated shabbily by the dimmest wit onboard (Who wears a strapless jumpsuit to go fishing? "Someone with no intention of fishing," you say? Roger that), but once he sees what's up (or not) with her, he's over it and on to the next thing. Well done speaking forthrightly to her about it too, even hammered -- it was a date, he did like her, but it's done with.
  4. Ben
    Doesn't complain about guest requests, doesn't rip Kate for meal timing, doesn't assume he can kiss Emily but asks first. Yeah, he should have given Kelley a heads-up about the date -- they're bunkmates, and newborns could see Kelley was trying to get it in with Em -- but would I want to borrow a cup of trouble from that particular minuscule BMI? Not particularly, no.
  5. Kate
    After the lengths she's gone to to matchmake among her co-workers, Kate's not really in a position to tell anyone to mind their own business, although when she reminds Kelley that Kyle and Sierra's miscarriage of a date isn't his affair, she's half right: he's not really annoyed that Kyle didn't get what he wanted from a crush on a castmate. She's also right that KJ needs to master the "life skill" of rejection, and I can really empathize with her stricken "I'm the only one even a little sober but my prospects of keeping this sitch under control are hovering around zero" face after everyone gets back to the boat.
  6. Emily
    She's got a nice set of stems, but...there's just nothing to say about her, really. This is the face/personality that launched a thousand shipmate dramas? Not seeing it.
  7. Kelley
    Let's start with the positive, shall we? He's cheerful about playing a Chippendale at the theme party, and...erm...well, look, I think we've all acted a fool around a person we like like, including not cluing in that the feeling isn't reciprocated,


    and we've all responded with suboptimal graciousness when cock-/boxblocked by a friend. A few of us may have projected our romantic disappointment onto other situations as well, and Sierra's smugly challenging puss here is so eminently smackable, I kind of admire KJ's restraint, as I'd have strongly considered shoving her off the dock.


    My understanding is that he has a nice supportive vegan lady friend nowadays, so this all worked itself out in the grand scheme and God bless, but when he describes himself as "really ecstatic" to go out and get fouled up, you know it's going to be a cringefest. Son, don't be a fire hazard. This is day-one shit.

  8. Lauren
    "Staying out of it": always a solid plan. Too bad she didn't stick to it and couldn't wait to tattle on Kelley to Sierra about his stirring the pot with Kyle. And forget littering the captain's "foyer" with pizza -- what kind of monster steals a colleague's pizza in the first place, AND disrespects God's perfect food by flailing it onto the ground? Get it together, missy.
  9. The guests
    Women: stories about how you "told him" how many carats you'd "need" are not now and have never been cute. It's 2016. You want eight carats, start playing scratch-offs like the rest of us and go get them yourself; the world ain't owing you that shit. (See also: "I get to plan a wedding, and you just have to say, 'Yes, babe.'" Vom.)
  10. Sierra
    I feel like maybe I'm being unfair to her, like in a sexist way, and like a guy behaving in the same dingly fashion wouldn't get clocked as hard, but her behavior on that date...wut? I mean, either she's actually that dense about boys and their signals, which, as someone who was still falling for "so do you want to come up and 'see my room'" well into her thirties, I can tell you is possibly a thing; she's just dense in general, which her imitation of Anita charging on Humans could be evidence of;


    or she's an asshole who just wanted to ditch out of turnover chores and drink wine at sea for the afternoon, which, then just say that, because of all people you could drop that on, Kyle would appreciate the honesty and find a way to hang. But no, she's sending pics to her "friend," butter-wouldn't-melting that Kyle's flirtatiousness ON A DATE is weirding her out, and claiming to Kelley that she "couldn't have been more straight-up" with Kyle about what she thought was going on. I guess it's Opposite Day? Shut up, Sierra.

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