Screen: Bravo

Smile, And The Guests Smile With You

Make penis towel art, and you -- well, you know. Kate takes the Below Dicks rankings literally this week.

Maybe it's the time of year -- early September, which was move-in time at my university -- that makes l'affaire Kelley et Jennice remind me of freshman year, when everyone arrives with boyfriends and girlfriends from back home whom they mention constantly while cow-eyeing at the local talent, then agonize over at every meal and sulk at during hours-long phone calls to the beloved's dorm room before finally downing a bunch of shots of Wolfschmidt and just cheating on them already. I mean, Felicity is practically a documentary in this particular regard, right? And if it's this tedious this week, next week is going to be a flashback of required-Dickens-reading proportions.

This week, we've got porn-star guests and their fey sugar daddy; diva-chef problems; and the ouster of Andrew. High fives to that...and we'd better smile while we're doing it, RIGHT KATE? (Poor Kate.)

  1. Captain Lee
    Gives Andrew a small split of tip in front of the others, then takes him aside later and fires him. Well done, sir (and it's nice to see that Bravo won't insist on Lee's keeping an incompetent who might endanger the boat/other crew).
  2. Eddie
    I seldom watch the "humorous" interstitials before the final acts of Bravisodes, but I'm glad I watched this one, because "it's not like I thought it was [guest name], radiologist" is a pretty good line.
  3. Kate
    I also think that "chickens are so cute"! More importantly, I also think it's horseshit when men tell women to smile like it's a standard feature on an item they own. No, she shouldn't have folded the guest's blanket into a cock shape, but God bless her (and you have to respect that she could do it, regardless of whether she ought to have; she should totally do an Instructable on that shit).
  4. Amy
    Girl, do your ranking (and yourself, primarily) a big favor and stay out of the Kelnice dramz.
  5. Kat
    Relatively inoffensive this week, but could stand to be a little less superior about Andrew taking his tip share after her behavior last season. And this has nothing to do with anything, but I couldn't stop noticing her the resemblance to Victoria Azarenka after a weekend spent marinating in U.S. Open tennis. ...Just me? Okay, cool.
  6. Photo: Bravo; Screen: EuroSport

    Photo: Bravo; Screen: EuroSport

  7. Andrew
    "Maybe all the anxiety that was building up was too much." Maybe! Or maybe you're inept and a camera whore and you got cluelessly hung out to dry by the coordinating producer. It happens. Classier on the exit than this sounds but won't be missed, and if they replace him with CJ I am filing a class action.
  8. Jennice
    "I don't want to lose my deck cred!", she complains when asked to pitch in on the dinner service. This is my issue with Jennice in a nutshell: it's all about her one-of-the-boys cred, A, but B, she doesn't get that legit bad-ass humans don't feel threatened by carrying a stack of dishes upstairs while wearing a skirt. This, paired with the coy "help meeee, stahhhhp" horsing around in her and Kelley's bunk...she's not a bad person, it's just young. PS: Your whatever with Kelley is not actually "hard to define." You have a boyfriend but you want to fuck this other dude you work with. Boom: defined.
  9. Kelley
    Constantly bringing up Jennice's boyfriend while just as constantly grab-assing with her in their bunk. Not that the rooming situation isn't production's choice, but the doing push-ups with your bunkmate that let you handle her is pretty easily avoided. Also, "it's hard to find a girl out there that does have that work ethic"? I would respond to this antediluvian sentiment but I'm too busy lounging on a velvet sofa eating chocolates and spending my husband's money. Ass.
  10. Ben
    Gee, Ben -- if the guest specifically says he wants vittles on plates at 8:30, how about you take your painstaking "every tittle of vegetable foam a precious fucking diamond" work ethic and go backwards from that so you can get it done on time? I hate to take up for these guests, but they're paying customers and you had ample warning; the whiny defensiveness all "I'm so sorry you had to wait for 20 minutes" would play a lot better if it were in fact 20 minutes, and not more than two hours.
  11. The guests
    The primary is an imperious, unfunny, sexist twerp who tells Kate that her bitchface is scaring him and the other guests while himself wearing a shrunken pink rugby. Credit to one of the ladies for telling him that he's out of line (and is likely going to get their drinks spat in, which: word), but one of the others is all sloppy making Kelley go down the water slide with her, and there is all the duckfacing (much of it surgical and semi-permanent).
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