'I'm Happy No One Died'

The Below Deck-ers battle squalls and each other as figurative storm clouds loom on their horizon.

The primary guests' apparent yachting curse -- the last time they tried to vacay on a luxury boat, it literally sank the first day -- is a running theme this week, and if I were Traci and Mark, I'd Pasadena this kind of sibling trip in future, if only so I wouldn't have to do all the wine pairings myself thanks to Leon's intransigence. Other fails include Dane colliding with the Eros on a wandering jet-ski, then getting shitfaced in the galley by himself; Connie's peanut-butter-kini, which isn't quite as clever as she thinks it is; and Rocky...Rockying.

It's the heating-the-water episode before everything boils over in the next couple of weeks, Leon acting a dicky fool to Kate, Eddie putting himself in a weird posish with Rocky, and Dane possibly having a couple of issues with demon rum. Who's the biggest Below Dick? Ranklings ahoy!

  1. Amy
    "You're up in the wheelhouse, watching the anchor. ON ANCHOR WATCH," she eye-rolls of Dane in a talking-head. Then, the frog-legs dance. Walking that snarky/goofy tightrope boosts her into first place this week.
  2. Captain Lee
    I choose to believe that he's not responsible for that #StudOfTheSea hashtag (but that he's a grumbly sport about it). Drops a classic-Lee "god-DAMMIT! ...Moron" on Dane, correctly, and notes that he's "not blown away" by Leon's tasting menu after all the drama. Speaks pleasantly but directly to Dane about the sense he gets that Dane isn't as experienced as he let on with a boat this size, then sighs in a TH that it's "lights on, nobody's home" with that guy. Yep, pretty much.
  3. Kate
    "Are you gonna juggle the beef cheeks?" Hee hee. She handles Leon's horseshit as well as anyone could, and while this "gift" of hers is not historically one of my favorites, her ultra-passive-aggressive questioning of Leon as to whether wearing his chef's coat in front of guests, like a professional who works for them, is something he's done before is a work of bitchy art.
  4. Da doo chyron-ron, da doo chyron
    Another strong week for post-production:


    Slow clap, y'all.

  5. Connie
    The PB-kini isn't that cute, but as always, she's fine; she just isn't onscreen much because she isn't 1) fucking up or 2) fighting with anyone who is. Yet.
  6. The guests
    "You know what we need? Is a bell." They're not as bad as that comment suggests -- and right after Mark makes it, someone else is like, that would be crazy annoying for everyone -- but the guests manage to suck a tow line into a jet-ski's undercarriage, and then Mark asks for a bunch of stuff on the tasting menu that they didn't mention in the request sheets, and is a micromanager about the wine pairings, like, if this is what you care about, do you, but it doesn't seem very relaxing to me.
  7. Eddie
    Bounces back a bit this week ("I'm happy no one died" is his quotation, and he seems sincere about it; heh), but whatever he's sticking his hand in with those late-night texts to Rocky, it's weird at best, and at worst suggests he may have gotten hit in the head with the anchor.
  8. Emile
    Emile benefits from other, bigger dinguses getting more screentime this week, but his pouting to Rocky about the You And Me: NOPE note that she "didn't have to do it that way" is not a good look. Because she obviously did, because he was being a sloppy weird clinger.
  9. Rocky
    I'm Team Rocky as far as the Emile situation goes, but she's disproportionately cheesed off that Dane didn't tell her he had a girlfriend, and her assessment of his personality as "kind of scary" is rich based on what we see in that scene, though later it's borne out. Confidential to the production team, though: please stop showing us THes where she's talking about wanting a man, not a boy. We got it weeks ago and nobody cares kthxbai.
  10. Dane
    Kicks off the episode by waking his bunkmate, Emile, with a 5 AM phone call to his girlfriend, and evidently it's a daily occurrence. Doesn't wax the whole bulkhead (or whatever that is); can't manage tying up the jet-ski, again; thinks he's done nothing wrong when Lee asks to see him; slugs cognac straight from the bottle and goes from zero to incomprehensibly slurry in about an hour. "This is drinking alone, at your workplace -- when you're new," Kate THes. Yep.
  11. Leon
    "Good night, ladies; good night, Kate." See what he did there? Not only does Leon bust out the beef cheeks, aaaaaagain, but he's surly about seeing the guests (read: "cutting Kate out of the loop") before they've even boarded, announces that he's just going to take his "own lead," and apparently can't have predicted that the last-minute provisions he's so proud of himself for going the extra mile to order would arrive frozen solid. Hello -- rush order in the tropics? What'd he expect? He's so focused on hating on Kate that he can't even stop when Lee is in the room. Kick rocks, bento box.
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