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Below Deck? You Can't HANDLE Below Deck!

...Look, if Kate's gonna declare a 'resting bitchface Code Red,' Bunting's gonna make the A Few Good Men reference. She's also going to rank the Below Dicks.

The last charter of the season is underway, and the "senioritis" Kate diagnoses in Sierra and Emily has struck the entire crew, whether it's constant and apathetic brain-farting, or experiencing even the presence of certain irritating classmates as that itchy tag in the collar of your class-retreat ringer tee. How bad is it? The show isn't able to cut around the moment when an actual working member of the Valor crew appears to ask WTF's going on with people leaving their walkies everywhere.

It's almost the finale, folks, and thank God. Who's graduating with honors and who's going to have to pick up her diploma at the office in August? Your Below Dick rankings, first to worst:

  1. Kyle
    Kyle is so over Sierra, he can't believe he ever wanted to be under her; the attempt at the top of the episode the essential off-ness of that entire date...thing smells like a production suggestions, and doesn't really work, but it does allow him to note that Ashley thinks Sierra is an idiot. Ashley is wise. Ashley also probably doesn't require this advice:

    2016-11-30-bd-kyle-chewing

    I'm not sure I can co-sign his assertion that Sierra's a psychopath -- "self-absorbed moonbeam" is probably closer to it -- and he should have just apologized to Sierra because it's not like she'll ever get it. But his calling her a dick, then openly giggling at KJ when he tried to explain to Sierra why everyone got annoyed with her and found himself herding slow-witted cats, is hilarious.

  2. Kate
    She's accessorizing like a pro, is one thing.

    2016-11-30-bd-kate-armparty

    She's making this face, followed by an exhausted "whatever," when discussing #Bemily, is another thing.

    2016-11-30-bd-bemily-face

    And while I've had my issues in the past with her bitchfacing, resting and otherwise, I've liked her a lot this season -- she's more focused and less preeny -- and unless hours of her nitpicking and snarking got left on the floor of the editing bay, which is possible, I don't think I see why her reviewing the basic duties of the stew job with Sierra and Emily is such an offensive FD if they're, you know, not performing them and jeopardizing the tips. Plus her "playbook" method of steering the guests away from wanting to use the pool that's bete-noired the deck crew all season is clever; that Kelley mangled it doesn't mean she's the issue, Nico.

    Kate's unnecessarily dismissive of the primary's empowerment lecture at lunch, but then, we didn't have to hear the whole thing.

  3. Barry 2020
    Merging Ben and Emily's rankings into one allows me to recognize the real crew.

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    Hey, buddy. Thanks for doing probably 87% of the work on the boat. Deep breaths.

  4. Kelley
    His valiantly clunky adaptation of Kate's suggestion that he diss the pool as for older folks and babies is classic KJ (it works, but..."elders"? hee), as is his naive belief that he can explain to Sierra, who already hates him and...is Sierra, why her attitude isn't workable.

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    And nothing encapsulates that general rage-giggle feeling of the last charter like his galley imitation of one of those balloon guys outside a car wash.

  5. Captain Lee
    Physically waving a white hanky in a talking-head as he rolls his eyes at a guest who wouldn't leave the bridge = hee.
  6. The guests
    "These guests are so happy. It's kind of annoying!" - Kate.

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    Not crazy about this eyeshadow narrative, but the primary blathering on about independent womanhood is more dull than actively off-putting, and they're consistently enthusiastic about the food and service without taking it to a creepy place.

  7. #Bemily
    Might as well lump them together, since they...lumped their...okay, I will never not lose control of that half an entendre. Point is, neither of them is that bad, and neither of them really distinguishes him-/herself apart from the other. When Emily's not picking up her radio, it's because Ben's giving her a shoulder massage. When Ben's grumbling at Kate, it's because...wait, that's actually just Ben Benning.
  8. Nico
    Nico is basically likable, but his snarking on Kate's playbook isn't as funny as it would be if it...made any sense, and isn't about Kate in the first place. He just likes to fixate on people who outrank him, and to shit on them because he doesn't like being told what to do. He's likely to grow out of that; I wish he'd get started.
  9. Lauren
    Kate is a shit-stirrer? Go find your radio. In a beehive.
  10. Sierra
    If she did something wrong, she pouts in a TH, "it's because I didn't know, not because I don't care." Okay, but the thing about still "not knowing" at this point in the charter se-- you know what, forget it. Digging a hole and shouting instructions into it is more effective, let's face it.

    "I just want to get back to, like, working out." Youuuuu do that.

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