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Below Deck Is In A Valentine's Daze

Proposals, PDA, and pining mark a pokey episode -- but who's the biggest Below Dick this week?

"Decent Proposal" spent the bulk of its running time setting up the conflicts for the back half of the season: Ben likes Emily, but so does Kelley! Kyle likes Sierra, but he has a kid and she's making that weird! Captain Lee likes proactivity and Kelley can't seem to get the "pro" part of that to work! Kate is stirring shit with Bemily, and Nico is talking shit about Kelley!

...Poor Kelley. ("She says, her voice echoing because she's under her desk, so vicariously embarrassed is she." You're killing me, Marine. Possibly literally.)

But amidst the nonstop Kate/Ro face-sucking in the first half and the adorkably protracted proposal in the second, it's a fairly fun episode despite serving primarily as a fuse for the bomb of next week. Who's the biggest Below Dick? From first to worst:

  1. Ben
    Round of applause for tolerating the "Ben is 'weirded out' by Kate's GF" edit like a pro -- and look who's made his peace with baking cakes aboard ship, offering to do up red velvet cupcakes for the Valentine's dinner! His nervosity about asking Emily to dinner seems genuine and is very sweet, so I won't mention that something weird is apparently going on with his hair-color situat-- oops. Well, whatever. Greying temples = hot, amigo. Leave it out with the Clairol, it's always obvious.
  2. Captain Lee
    Our fearless leader is the best at sun

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    but could stand to micromanage Kelley a bit less. I hear him on Kelley needing not to wait around for orders and set the tone for his staff, and I also hear him on the anxiety that watching the guests watch the crew pants around with the pool causes; even I felt it, and I don't work there. I also appreciate learning the phrase "fuck up a two-car funeral," which is an outstanding bit of dad lingo for my rotation of same. But he can't control the current and he's doing the best he can, and riding him at that point doesn't help anything.

  3. Lauren
    Aside from some obvious touchy-feeling of Nico during the crew day out, no objection.
  4. Kate
    The macking is connnnnnstant, and annoying, although I wouldn't dismiss the idea that the production suggested they amp that up to make Ben uncomfortable and create a storyline -- but that's annoying too. That said, once Ro's on her way, Kate's not boo-boo-kitty about missing her, just gets down to the business of organizing a proposal dinner and matchmaking Ben and Emily.

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    And spying on her handiwork, as God intended. (Points off for trying the ring on, though. Forget bad form, you'll bring the maliocch' with that shit. And wouldn't "R2D-Poo" been funnier?)

  5. The guests
    Love Ben's food, patient with interminable snorkeling set-up, and

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    ...aw. Mazel!

  6. Kyle
    It's not that Sierra isn't shapely or basically a decent egg, but how do you look at this empty house with all the lights blazing

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    and still get wood? Dudes, your mystery endures. He's hilariously grumpy about Kelley inviting himself and Emily on his fishing date with Sierra, not that anyone's taking him seriously.

  7. Emily
    She's still a cipher, mostly, and I empathize with her feelings of awk, but since he isn't in her department and since it's very clear to her that he wants to make out with her but she does not want that at all, her failure to sit him down nicely and say that she isn't into it is starting to, um, rankle. Rip the Band-Aid off, please.
  8. Kelley
    Oh, man. Part of me wants to call shenanigans, because it's just easier to believe a producer told him to act like hints don't exist than to watch him doing and saying snuggly things, followed by the inevitable cut to Emily, the deer in the...tea lights? It's brutal, not to mention Lee's jumping up his ass for trying to do what Lee asked him to do and is about to get cockblocked by a subordinate. Y'all know how I feel about onscreen hoarfing, but it is getting to the point where I would rather watch another planter-barf-ormance.
  9. Nico
    I commend him on his commitment to belchy-looking eye-rolls, but

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    the kid needs to calm down about "shitshow" this and "thanks, bosun" that. Sure, it's shitty that Kelley's trying to ditch out on cleaning the boat to tag along on someone else's date, with a girl who doesn't like him That Way, but...see previous clauses. The universe is going to straighten that out. Also, he's the boss. That's life. Settle down.

  10. Sierra
    "I could have two heads for all he knows!" Not...how that...works in person? Calling a guy "noble" for supporting his child financially is also not how anything should work, especially not when she then calls the kid "a red flag." Indicating what, now? That he's a little cazh about birth control? Shut up, Sierra.
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