Bravo

Below Deck Is Gonna Get More Twisted Than ALL You Guys

The only thing worse than regular Trevor is drunk Trevor, who does not love you guyyyssh.

With the exception of the Lady And The Bosun love non-story between Kelley and Kelsey that culminates in an awkward game of Connect Four instead of a single romantical strand of spaghetti, it's The Trevor Show on the second ep of Below Deck, and he should really consider rearranging that smurfy driftwood hashtag phrase to read "#istandwithnico," because: dude really is a twat.

Are the lights on but nobody's home at Sierra's house? Is this the last Ben toast meltdown we'll see? So many questions -- and, in your Below Dicks weekly rankings, a handful of answers. From first to worst (although everyone except Trevor is basically cool this week, so assume the real ranking is him last and everyone else basically tied ahead of him):

  1. Captain Lee
    His "I fucking can't even" talking-heads continue to amaze and delight; highlights include his dismissing Trevor's hand-signal docking system as "y'know, a limp-dick motion," and snarking on Trevor online shopping for a car with his tip while the rest of the exterior crew is cleaning.

    2016-09-14-bd-lee-rly

    But he's a sweetheart about finding a full sugar packet in the coffee he had to wake Sierra to get, and the face he pulls when he happens on the end of a Kate story involving cornstarch and testicle aeration

    2016-09-14-bd-lee-balls

    is a classic.

  2. Kate
    Her dry bafflement at the concept of Sierra's "resting happy face?" cracked me up for some reason, as did her THes about hating beach picnics interspersed with a clever "get excited!" pitch to Emily and Sierra about serving it. Philosophical about Ben's breakfast-service tantrums; smart to order Nico to sleep in a guest room to de-escalate the situation with Trevor. Hair is still a trifle problematic (gotta check your six, girl).
  3. Kelley
    He's trying to follow his own no-fraternization rules with Kelsey (the rueful "I'm an outside butler who sets up toys" should be a country song, hee), and trying to manage Trevor in an effective and respectful way; the first thing works out, and the second can't through no fault of Kelley's own. You have to tip your hat to Kelley's self-control when, ordered to go to bed before he pisses anyone else off, Trevor folds his arms and balks because he doesn't want Kelley telling him what to do at all, much less in front of the others when he's feeling feisty.

    2016-09-14-bd-trevor-sulk

    Last season's KJ would have hucked the kid over the side, and I wouldn't have judged S4 KJ if he'd done it now -- even without knowing Trevor literally "you're not my real dad"ded him in a talking-head.

  4. Lauren
    Has managed not to kill Trevor and is probably keeping Nico from killing him as well. Smartly avoids the awkward soup that is the post-night-out hot tub.
  5. Nico
    "There's no I in team; it's just you and me, canopy," Nico murmurs, struggling with a carport tent on a windy beach while Trevor deliberately pokeys it up on board with some breakfast and a smug look at the crew-mess camera.

    2016-09-14-bd-trevor-pancocks

    The plaintive begging of Lauren not to leave him in the jacuzzi with Kelley and Trevor...we've all been there. "Fucking twat" pretty much nails it.

  6. The editor who bleeped "fucking" but left "twat" in
    They have to know everyone knows what that word means here in 2016. Well done, sir/madam.
  7. Emily
    The boopsie eyes she's giving Kelley concern me, but I like a bicep and I get it. Cute specs.
  8. The guests
    Despite some crackpotting about hot dogs causing "childhood leukemia," I don't think they spend THAT much time on their phones, relatively, and the host is an Instagram "person," so BFD. Good tippers, apparently, though commandeering the walkies to sexually harass Kelley isn't cute.
  9. Ben
    Biffs a gluten-free guest's plate with barley; gets very angry about Kate not dealing with the toast. Kate doesn't seem to care and they "make up" with this hilarious repellent-poles "hug"

    2016-09-14-bd-ben-kate-hawg

    but it's just toast, so if it's her job to deal with it, leave it for her to deal with.

  10. Sierra
    Overslept and left a full Domino's packet in Lee's coffee, and Kate's "lunatics and Labradors" line about Sierra's constant, witless-looking smile is well taken. But...you know. Not Trevor, so.
  11. Trevor
    Where to start. The montage of him guzzling Long Island Iced Teas, flashing his tip around, and acting a sophomore fool about how everyone else is "lame" for not wanting to dance and rage and blah dee blargle is as good a spot as any.

    2016-09-14-bd-trevor-drinks

    Then there's screwing Nico with the beach-picnic set-up; kind of sucking at docking, and grumbling "you're killing me" when Captain Lee edits his tie-off; responding to a Kelley radio call with "uh, I'm busy?" and snotting in a TH that he's actually BEEN a bosun so Kelley can stick it; and all the "I jusht wanna talk to Nico" drunken-confrontation foolishness.

    And then there's Tat Talk With Trev. Here's what: your tattoos are like your dream last night, or your house reno, in that nobody cares. "But it's a cool story!" No doubt. If anybody would like to hear said story he/she will make mouth sounds along the lines of, "That's a rad tattoo, what's the story behind it?" and until you hear those mouth sounds, shuttie, and you just never bag on someone else's ink. Unacceptable, if for no other reason than a lot of shite ink happens in 1) prison and 2) the armed forces, like literally in a foxhole with a Bic and a boot rivet. You want to turn your nose up at a Marine's "shading," g'head. I'll be over here keepin' my teeth.

Almost all readers liked this episode
What did you think?

Discussion

Explore the Below Deck forum or add a comment below.