We Shore Wish Below Deck Mediterranean Would Air A Reunion Show

But that's not happening, so let's see who's a buoy and who's a barnacle one last time.

I looked; I looked carefully. We won't be getting a reunion show for Below Deck Med, and while there's a "joke" to be made here about blaming that fact on the mismanagement of the Olympics in Rio, the fact is that there isn't much left to say after the last BDM charter of the season. Sure, a lot went down during and after the Birch Beer King Of Wherever's work retreat on the Ionian Princess -- Bobby did an apology tour; Hannah tried and failed to get a leg over Ben, because he was boning Tiffany audibly in the upstairs salon; Captain Mark downed shots with his crew; Bryan, confronted with his angry-drunking and personal-space issues with women, heard and understood none of it.

But a Bravo reunion is about settling scores and spinning footage, and none of our Below Dicks seems to need that closure. Tiffany's fine with a one-nighter, and so is Ben. Hannah's less fine with Ben not choosing her, but at least accepts it as reality. Julia held the line with Bobby and he finally gets, kind of, mostly, that there is no "with" with the two of them. Bryan feels ways about knots and won't be moved. Why revisit it? Especially if the unaired-footage segment contains any more of...this:


All set there, thanks.

As everyone returns to dry land in the finale, who's the biggest Below Dick? Let's rank 'em, least to most dickish.

  1. Tiffany
    I can't unhear her sex moans, and I kind of wish she'd taken a harder line in the Bryan sitdown, but on the other hand, what's the point with that guy. And she played the Ben thing exactly right, getting some but waiting 'til the last night so it didn't get weird, then shrugging, "Let's keep it weird!" as she took her leave. Won over Hannah in the end.
  2. Ben
    Finished strong, both with the last set of guests and with me; either he's grown up since Below Deck Prime or the lower general level of buttwaddishness amongst this crew is beneficial to his attitude. Probably could have saved himself some trouble by just telling Hannah in so many words that he doesn't like her That Way, but he dodged the bullet in any case. Less impressive is his assertion that he considers Bryan a friend, but let's assume he didn't have all the information he could have there, and a guy who drops a Jersey Shore reference about a fish knows what's up.
  3. Jen
    Her girlish "...Of a dick?" response to Tiffany saying she got more than just the tip cracked me up for some reason. It's too bad Jen basically got relegated to the role of reminding us in talking-head interviews the Bryan sucks, but...well, Bryan sucks, and I like that she wouldn't back down on that, even at the end, snarking that he uses booze to solve his problems and escape reality. You can't blame her for giving up on the Bryan come-to-Jesus, either; "he's just waiting for us to stop talking" is exactly what's happening.
  4. 2016-07-27-bdm-cm-shots
  5. Captain Mark
    His determination in the face of these shots is sweet, as is his somewhat sodden "we made it and we bonded" speech to the kids before wisely bailing to let them get shitty without him looking on. I'm not putting my Captain Lee 2016 shirt at the back of the drawer or anything but Mark's all right.
  6. The guests
    Loved the food, tipped great.
  7. Julia
    "I cahn't even." Hee, seriously. She's more generous about Bobby's apology than I'd have been -- and less prone to sprinting away from him at top speed before he could make his declaration of love on the beach -- and if BDM gets a second season, I hope she's back, but I suspect she's been scared straight by this experience.
  8. 2016-07-27-bdm-hannah-ben-awk
  9. Hannah
    ...Oh, honey. Please stop. Use the time you're wasting hitting on Ben to come up with a smoother response to the "only one bed in the master" question, maybe? Because they literally mention it every time. She's actually risen in my esteem over the season because she's a hundred for her staff and isn't afraid to tell Bryan to cram it with walnuts when he's Bryaning at them, but her interrogation of a still-drunk Ben about whether he's content after she saw him having sex with Tiffany is sad and weird. She's accepted the situation by the end of the episode, but gahhhhh it was uncomfortable until then.
  10. 2016-07-27-bdm-bobby-blerp
  11. Bobby
    I think his realization that he was way out of bounds, why he was way out of bounds, and horror at same is genuine, but booze tells the truth, whether we like the information or not, so grain of salt on his attempts to make it up with Julia -- especially because his primary concern is "that I ruined things with Julia." Son, you mean well mostly, but for the love of baby seagulls, there is no "things" with Julia. He has some anger that needs dealing with, and the fixation on the taken girl is not a coincidence.
  12. 2016-07-27-bdm-bryan-drunk-01 2016-07-27-bdm-bryan-drunk-02 2016-07-27-bdm-bryan-drunk-03
  13. Bryan
    The only response Buttchin McSmugly can muster to Jen's critiques is to inform her, again, that she can't tie a single knot. Fuck off.

For Star Trek Week, we note:

The only thing that might be more satisfying than a Mediterranean reunion show would be a showdown between Captain Kirk and Captain Lee.

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