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New Boat, New Stews, Same Old Below Deck Mediterranean Headaches

Hannah and Bobby return for Season 2, and they've brought some beef on board with them. Your season-premiere Below Dick rankings, ahoy!

Below Deck Med kicks off its second season with a nearly complete turnover of staff -- only Hannah and Bobby have returned from Season 1, and while I should count my blessings that the show ridded itself of Bryan...her? -- so it's tough to get a good enough read on the newbies for a solid Rankling.

But I'll do my best. As the introductions unfold and a crop of mysteriously wealthy basics inflicts itself on both the Sirocco and Croatia, who's shaping up as the biggest Below Dick so far? Your rankings, from least to most dickish:

  1. The gents who actually have to run the boat while the on-camera talent is tantrumming in a beach bar somewhere
    Hey, guys.

    Don't die.

  2. Malia
    Should probably be handier with the tinder and the bowline and whatnot, but her "Bitch, it's the ocean!" about a former client's dumb question about sharks might just be the "Bitch, I am from Chicago" of the BD franchise. And her this-season-on rant about how she'll fuck every man on the boat if she wants is promising.
  3. Wes
    So many "...Weslehhhhhhh" headlines in our future, friends! No objection.
  4. Lauren
    Used to date Bobby, which is how she got the job, and thus far she's wearing that look better than Bobby is. Questionable taste in dudes based on that and the coming-ups, and it seems like Hannah has pre-existing beef with her, but the enemy of my etc., so no real objection.
  5. The guests
    Pleasant enough basics who decide to put Hannah and Adam to work at like 1:30 AM.

    And who have nothing to say about the pound of meat, cheese, and sour cream Adam fuck-thises onto their nachos despite their "Veganville" pref sheets, hee.

  6. Bugsy
    My first instinct is to like her, but she's judgy with Adam about the butter and about writing orders down, and her background as a chief stew herself could cause friction with Hannah.
  7. Chef Adam
    It's nice to get a break from Ben on the franchise...for about two minutes. Then Adam intros himself with a dharma-bumsy bit about how he lives in his van between charters and "the plan is no plan." And I don't think we need to roll in the corporate-speak big guns like "accountability" when we're talking about remembering who ordered a veggie omelet -- especially when he doesn't consider himself "accountable" to the pref sheets, and just drops butter in any old where. The guests don't complain and I co-sign butter's way of improving things, but: yeah, no.
  8. Hannah
    I'm Team Hannah vis-a-vis Sandy's management style -- check-ins and negotiations about deadlines eat time, don't you know --
    but as usual, she's a pill about it, in a way nearly guaranteed to get her busted for talking shit. She announces in a talking-head that she's "gonna try a bit of a softer approach" this season, but that's not much in evidence so far, as she's snotty about Adam labeling the guests' bowls with Post-Its (and since each one has a half-dozen nonsense food preferences, and Hannah's the one who'll get clocked if someone accidentally eats cheese, what else does she suggest?) and announces in the this-season-ons, and I quote, "I'm not here to make friends." Yeah, not a mistake anyone was in danger of making about you, hun.
  9. Captain Sandy
    The thing about a boss announcing that s/he's not a micromanager is that that inevitably means s/he is -- and won't admit it. Sandy seems like basically a good egg, with maybe a little post-traumatic management disorder thanks to being the rare lady captain and feeling like she has to do 110 percent more and better, and if she keeps innocently busting out lines like "Does anybody want to ride the banana?" about water toys, I'm inclined to take her side with these foolios. That said, she's...a micromanager. She grinds a beach-picnic set-up to a halt to have a teaching moment with Malia and docking the tinder. She keeps pinging Hannah with check-ins so Hannah can't meet the arbitrary 9 PM deadline Sandy set because Sandy's obsessed with everyone getting enough rest. Like I said, basically a good egg, but needs to de-Lee-gate and understand that her job really is to stay out of the way and let dramz happen.
  10. Bobby
    This one really screeched off the rails last year, and while I'd like to think the hiatus (and his braces) gave him to reflect and evolve, the this-season-ons don't make a real promising case? Neither does a talking-head in which he too-nonchalantly describes Lauren as "fucking up" their relationship.

    And he thought Wes's name was "Wiz" for like 36 hours, because apparently he's still unable to correct for antipodal accents after already doing this for a season?

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