Hayyyyy Crew

A threesome, a scuffle, and Danny on the spot in Below Deck Mediterranean.

With the next charter underway, Danny's still struggling with boundaries, both with the guests and with the rest of the crew; he unwisely snarks at Bobby to take his tampon out (and while I agree with the overall sentiment, it's not Danny's place to express it -- or with that sexist phrasing), thinks he has any shot at making peace with a chief stew who's determined to see him as an inappropriate fuck-up, and chooses the crew's night out to inform Bryan, who's slurry drunk, that he thinks he's "underappreciated."

Ben's on his side, to a degree, but that's only going to dig Hannah's heels in harder against Danny, and the repeated shots of Captain Mark blandly fixing and drinking coffee while his crew scraps with itself seem like a clear misdirect indicating Danny's going to get fired in an upcoming episode. I guess we'll see. I guess we'll also see...this:


I'd really like to see Bryan and Hannah explain without rancor exactly where the line is for Danny, not just because he needs it but because people who fling the word "unprofessional" around like it's a handful of throwing stars tend not to articulate it very well. I doubt boning the third stew and/or twerking for $200 qualifies, technically, but what do I know.

...Scratch that; I know Bryan should put it away. Let's rank the Below Dicks, best to worst.

  1. Julia
    Painful attempt at an Oklahoma "accent" notwithstanding, no objection.
  2. Jen
    A couple of judgy bitchfaces, yeah, but: warranted. No objection.
  3. Ben
    Love that he boots Bryan and Tiffany out of their shared bunk on courtesy grounds, but apologizes for his tone the next day; perfectly played. I wish he'd stop getting bent out of shape about shit he has to prep for on literally every charter -- variations on birthday cake; beach picnics -- but he gives Danny good advice without kissing his ass. But does anyone else think production asked him to step in more overtly, to cause more drama with Hannah? Am I in fact a crackpot?
  4. Bobby
    I get his frustration; his point comparing the crew/trust situation to that of a firehouse is well taken; I still think he's better off not trying to parent Danny and just let him hoist himself with his own guest-fraternizing petard.


    But it's hard to think ill of a guy who let the show use a photo of him at his parents' dance academy.



  5. Captain Mark
    Willfully ignorant of the scuffling amongst his crew, thereby forcing them to work shit out themselves, as Hannah suggests? Or just ignorant, focused on his K-cups? The editing makes it look like the latter, but it's hard to say. Note that Bryan's instinct to tattle to Mark seems to have waned now that it's clear he can't control either Danny or Little Bryan.
  6. Tiffany
    "Flirting is what [frat boys]'re good at"? HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA wow, no. Also: it's Bryan. Wow-no squared, girl. Her "God, you're fucking needy" when he's asking for a mug or whatever is pretty funny now, but if/when she decides to throw a leg over Ben, I'm betting we see some needy Bryan for real, and it's going to be the opposite of cute. In short: do not fuck Bryan, if you already fucked Bryan don't do it again, kthxbai.
  7. Danny
    He's a frustrating guy to watch; he has no sense of when to zip it even if he's right on some of the merits. The pulling Hannah aside is a classic example: she's busy and unwelcoming, which he blows right past; he phrases his "apology" in terms of wanting to help her do her job better, which is awkwardly well-meaning but exactly the worst angle to take with a respect-mah-authoritah personality type like Hannah's; and it's past time for someone, maybe Ben?, to point out that what Danny sees as the guests "wanting" him to hang out may actually be him hanging around and the guests being polite, or drunkenly wanting to bond, or whatever. And as poorly conceived as his chat with Hannah is, the decision to take it to Bryan at the club is an order of magnitude worse. Daniel: head down, shut up.
  8. The guests
    Offering the crew money to twerk is pretty gross. The hot-tub "clap soup" (tm Danny Drennan) threesome is pretty gross, not least the terminology.


    If you're old enough to have a threesome, consider graduating to non-second-grade breast synonyms. And finally, "best thing coming out of Russia is strippers" is...what you're dealing with here.


    Sleazy and imperious, but also good-natured and easily pleased on the menu side.

  9. Bryan
    Marginal improvement in giving feedback to the deckhands, but "Daniel is like a little ant that's stuck in your shoe" is...not a thing. And...neither is this creepy face.



  10. Hannah
    Our first sight of her in the episode is her staring moodily out to sea. K? Are we supposed to feel sorry for her because Ben won't make out with her? Because she's unpleasant, starting with the talking-head in which she says she's assigning Tiffany interior set-up because Tiffany "seems a bit country bumpkin" (...? not really) and continuing on to ragging at her to "do your fucking job" over the radio when Tiffany is fixing a dryer fuse. Which is her fucking job. She rips Danny for lingering near the hot tub when the guests are trying to have a threesome, and if that's what went down, yeah, it's weird, but it's also not her committee, and she's disgusted when Ben has Danny's back. Grudging hat tip for the "I saw a dolphin" ruse that let Julia run in and grab the pear vodka (blorgle) from under the seats, though.

For 1991 Week we ask:

What guests would you hope to see if Below Deck Mediterranean aired in '91?

  • Boris Yeltsin and his cabinet
  • Steffi Graf
  • Freddie Mercury
  • James Hogue
  • Roxette
  • Kevin Costner

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