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Danny's Pushed To The Limit On Below Deck Mediterranean

Plus migraines, Matty damage control, and Bobby's mangina. You heard me.

It's that weird turning-point episode in every Below Deck season where it seems like a lot of plot is happening, but at the same time the episode feels slow because it's mostly waiting for pieces to get moved around for the big yelly dramas going into the finale. This week, it's Hannah and Ben clashing and making up, Julia putting her foot down with Bobby, Danny's ill-advised stand against Bryan, and more middle-aged skeeze in the guest department. No wonder Hannah gets a migraine. (It's totes just a hangover headache. Get Ben to make you an espresso and some eggs; you'll live.)

Staring down the barrel of the real brawls to come, let's rank the Below Dicks, least to most irritating.

  1. Captain Mark
    The reaction to Ben's melodramatic report from the interior?

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    Ehhhhhhxactly. Also loved the heavy verbal air quotes he put around the primary's request for a "target-rich environment" woman-wise, because: seriously. There's a reason those fiftysomethings are bachelors and it's not bad luck.

  2. Julia
    Solid work calming Hannah down after Entreegate; solid call to confront Bobby about the sexual tension and explain that she can't mess up two years with her boyfriend, even if her bubbly personality comes off like flirting. I didn't love the crying about it, but her chirping later that "I got a bit emoshe" more than makes up for it.
  3. Tiffany
    "It's just coming off as douchey," she notes of Bryan's tendency to get aggressive and/or stentorian on topics of American history. Looks like a love connection might be shaping up with Ben, a move I cosign since she's unlikely to get all weird on him.
  4. Jen
    Does it seem to any other landlubbers like it's dangerous for her to have her hair down when she's winching lines? Aside from looking like it's hot as hell when she's working in the sun, it just seems primed to get caught in something. ...Anyway, I still don't entirely care for her but her weary litany of the ways Bryan sucks is gold. He CAN suck a big one, girl, I agree.
  5. Ben
    Puts on his dress whites to go tattle to Captain Mark about Entreegate, then waits until everyone's had four hours of drinking in the sun to admit that he overreacted. I was Team Ben on the issue -- why didn't she just ask for the skewers right away? -- but it's not like it makes him look a fool, so why handle it that way? Points, for this, though,

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    even though it's gratuitous.

  6. Danny
    I like that he immediately owns up to talking about Bryan, and tries to express his frustration with Bryan's so-called management style, but Jen's right: he doesn't know the difference between putting his foot down and putting said foot in his mouth. The play was to walk away the minute Bryan launched into yet another reading of Danny's work beads; the guy does not need anyone's help to look like an asshole.
  7. Bobby
    I didn't really need to see Bobby's mangina either, even blurred out. I didn't really need to see his disproportionate contempt for Danny, either; again, I get that working with a Danny is more irritating than it might look, but the snotty "Where's the game in that?" when Danny's revving up the Mykonos party and trying to get some ladies interested in their blobbily off-putting clients is not cute. I mean, you know, none of it is cute, but Danny's giving the clients what they want while Bobby stands around grinning disapprovingly. Not seeing the game in that, dude. Eyes on your own paper.
  8. Hannah
    She should have told Ben there was an issue, but when he went to tell on her to Captain Dad, she should have rolled her eyes and stopped caring about it one way or the other. She accepts his apology, though the effort gives her a "migraine."
  9. The guests
    That weirdness with the first guest group's not-great tip is completely contrived; they didn't evince any awareness of the drama over the number of courses, they loved the food, and I will bet you a euro the production advised Alan Sr. to pull back a few thou to amp the drama. The next group is a bunch of old-guy-at-the-club dudes in ill-fitting shirts that insists the male crew 1) drink with them and 2) come to the beach to procure them unselective women (that last bit was silent). Don't look for this ranking to skyrocket.
  10. Bryan
    The phrase "drunk blathering" appears three different times in my notes, but I would rather sit through seventeen Bryan grafs on Paul Revere (...shut up, Bryan) than have to see this fratty hat ever again:

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    He prates on about American military might, orders Danny not to take sides in chief stew/chef set-tos, gets irrationally annoyed when Danny refers to him as a bunny, talks shit about the interior staff, and thinks the night after a day of drinking is a great time to tell a subordinate that yachting "is not for you." Shut UP, Bryan!

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