Daniel In The Bryan's Den (Again, Some More) On Below Deck Med

Bryan gets promoted to first mate -- and out of last place, thanks to his favorite's nice-guy routine curdling in booze and self-pity.

...It pains me deeply that, in an episode featuring donkeys as heavily as this one did, I had to forgo not only all the "ass" puns you might imagine BUT ALSO this gem: "Can I Burro A Feeling." Guys. "CAN I BURRO A FEELING." If puns are the lowest form of humor, I am proudly chilling several meters below sea level.

Now that I've sprained a glute bowing: the episode! Danny finally got himself fired, after yet another dumbshit donnybrook with his phone that spiraled into Bobby piling on like an obnoxious older brother, Bryan confusing tattling and looming over Danny with "effective management," and Danny getting chucked out of his and Bobby's cabin, then given a ticket home when the dust settled. Almost nobody comes out of it looking good except Ben, who no-bullshits Danny that the captain's right -- yachting isn't a good fit for him, because he needs more freedom.

Once Danny's gone, Bobby merrily continues his slide towards the bottom of our Below Dicks list. The past-the-sell-by gloating's bad enough, but then he thinks it's a great idea to bring a woman back to the yacht -- because Danny did it and got away with it, right?

Bryan: "Right!" These two dingles, I swear.

But who's the bigger of the berries in our Below Deck Med Rankling this week? Let's count 'em down.

  1. Tiffany
    Getting along with everyone, working hard, managing not to kick Bobby's balls back up through his ribcage when Yellen Barkin wakes her up with his ranting and then bellows at her to shut up and go in her room. The Ben make-out sesh could go pear-shaped next week, but for now, no objection.
  2. Ben
    This isn't an actual storyline, IMO, so it's nice that it resolves quickly when Ben explains that everything Julia accused him of being is everything he endeavors not to be, and is why he left the UK. He's frank with Danny about his fitness for yachting, and also clocks Bobby for thinking it's his job to "teach [Danny] lessons." We'll see how the whole "Beffany" thing goes over with Hannah next time, but at least he waited until the end of the season to shit where he eats.
  3. Captain Mark
    There's no real reason to punt Danny with one charter left in the season, except Mark's stated rationale that he's at the center of crew infighting and needs to be subtracted on that basis. His departure leaves the crew short (although, if Mark is right about the quality of Danny's work, maybe that doesn't make much difference), and this latest fuck-up isn't any more egregious than the ones previous, so aside from his never learning his lesson with the phone, it's like, why now and not one of the 525 other times he was a social-media junkie?


    Well, really. "I'm sick of goddamn hearing about it" is a valid reason in my book, and I don't think it's Mark's call in any case. Nor do I think it's his call to formally promote Bryan to first mate, since the only thing you can "trust" Bryan to do as a manager is to behave with baseless self-righteousness, but I guess Mark really likes knots.

  4. Julia
    The episode does subtly underline that Julia doesn't have the brightest boundaries -- trying on a guest's lace pants; not letting the dramz with Ben go even after he's said he doesn't want to get into it -- and I suppose you could then argue that she "shouldn't have" hung out with Bobby in a Santorini sunset, or played the harmonica he bought her. But you shouldn't, because her friendly personality does not obligate her for anything, and Bobby's combined failure to understand that and growing resentment of her failure to reciprocate his feelings has crossed the line from "clueless" to "scary."
  5. Jen
    Forthright with Bobby that she doesn't believe Danny is what makes Bryan a bad boss, and this "I...yeah" face when Bobby's trick is mounting him


    is priceless.

  6. Hannah
    Kills the guests with kindness -- not that it shows up in the tip, but I doubt it made a difference. I also doubt that Ben shares her opinion that a "beautiful friendship" is now developing between them because he cried in front of her, but the "oh...oh, honey" we saw in the first act isn't going to go off until the finale.
  7. Danny
    He doesn't get it, he won't get it, and he had to go, if only because of his Dumb & Dumber "so you're saying...there's a chance" comment about the captain calling his work subpar: "You know what the beautiful thing is about 'subpar'? There's room for improvement." S...ure? On the other hand, his effortless smashing of Bobby's gay-panic buttons is art, in its way, as is his "ya burnt" expression


    right before he tells Bryan that the zoo called about Bryan's face and "the monkey wants his ass back." I mean, no, you can't talk to your boss like that, but it's Bryan, and hee.

  8. Whoever felt that an illustrative B-roll shot of Hannah sleeping should show her nearly nude
    I mean, no shade towards her actual ass, which looks good.


    I just don't get why the editors showed us theirs by showing us hers.

  9. The guests
    Extended their stay, acted fools, left at four in the damn morning, and gave a crap tip. That the one guy fell off his chair while not spilling a drop of his vodka isn't exactly a point in their favor either.
  10. Bryan
    Favorite-playing frattletale who sees Ben talking to Tiffany and makes a thrusting motion by way of asking whether Ben's hitting that.


    ...My point. I'd like to nestle an angry hornet between the cheeks of his buttchin but I don't want to get that close to him.

  11. Bobby
    Oh, "good" -- another Self-Pitying Nice Guy curdling into a rageball. The eye-rolls at Danny, the immediate and disproportionate response to Danny calling him and Bryan "buttboys," the saying in almost so many words that he's going to get it in with the chick at the club because Julia won't put out, the hypocrisy of trying to Danny said chick back to the yacht, and the use of the C word (it doesn't bother me much -- obviously, since I use it to describe Brandon Walsh all the time, but certain men use it with a certain intent that isn't okay) all add up to a very large, chafed anus. YOU shut up and go back in your room, you fucking baby.
Readers liked this episode
What did you think?


Explore the Below Deck Med forum or add a comment below.