Below Deck Mediterranean Sleeps With The Fishes

For a few hours, before getting up at ugh-thirty to find the stupid Steelers game for the stupid client. Your inaugural Below Dick: Med power ranking!

It's the first "real" episode of Below Deck Mediterranean, and with the intros out of the way, it's time to get into it in earnest -- for stews to start fucking up and fffft!-ing at each other, for deckhands to reveal that they're incompetent, for drunken staggering and "you know what your prolbem ishh" lecturing.

Also for many off-putting close-ups of the primary's could-pick-up-a-dime buttcheeks and Ben's delicious-sounding but semi-barfy-looking creations (that steroidal egg pie, woof).

Who's anchoring the BDM team and who's a millstone around the yacht's neck? Not too many surprises here...but I didn't expect Hannah to go from zero to "passive-aggressive cocktail of Adrienne and Kate's worst combined qualities" quite so speedily. Your Below Dick Ranklings, from least to most objectionable:

  1. Bobby
    Game and foxy. No objection.
  2. Julia
    "Smell my head" cracked me up for five minutes. She's sweetly comforting to Tiffany without signing off on her screw-ups; trying to get in the middle of the Hannah/Bryan non-versation is, while ultimately a bad call, well-meant at least.
  3. Ben
    Get a bit high-handed about other crew chatting in the kitchen while he's concentrating on plating, but tries to support Tiffany and admits after the guests leave that there's "room for improvement in my department."
  4. Captain Mark
    "The boat is certainly not a place to get drunk" -- HAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA, oh ho ho, ha ha ha, hee.

    ...Wait, seriously? Oh, honey.

  5. Danny
    Cute, sticks up for Tiffany, but has pulled a couple of the kind of boner (not putting in his earpiece, fraternizing with the guests) that spell the boot for Below Dicks. Enjoy his sunny smile while you can, is what I'm sayin'.
  6. Bryan
    Erring on the side of excessive chain-of-command rigidity, IMO -- no, the deckhands shouldn't get too caught up in chitchat with the guests, but if it's what the guests seem to want/enjoy, maybe find another staffer to help you -- but I enjoy his brusqueness so far. "I know you know better," he sighs at Jen, "so just -- do it, that's it." Well, really.
  7. Tiffany
    I can't really back her claim that she's "giving 110%," and swilling wine straight from the bottle is not the cutest -- but it's not nearly the sin Hannah makes it out as. Taking a service job you don't want in order to get experience for the job you do doesn't mean you get to fuck off at it, but Tiffany isn't fucking off so much as responding pretty understandably to getting zero real direction from her boss. Give her clear, unmuttered instructions and/or corrections that aren't riddled with swears and she's probably fine, but it's hard to tell, because Hannah's not doing that.
  8. The guests
    The stupid goddamn agita over watching the Steelers (and never have I been so happy, which is to say happy at all, that the Pats won) took up too much of the episode, and the guests' whinging about it even as they left the boat while the crew has to stand there, smiles frozen is bullshitty -- BUT it looks like they tipped well, and the primary won me over a bit when she noted while packing up, "I made use of almost all of my bikinis." Hee. That's the spirit.
  9. Jen
    She's giving me Sam Orme flashbacks. Don't know who that is? tl;dr: 'tain't good. Jen starts off by getting salty with Bryan about not wanting to tell him on comms that she's in the bathroom, like, who cares, but then she's fine telling the camera that she was dealing with her tampon in a TH. O...kay. And how's she liking Europe so far? "I hate how old the buildings are, I hate the food, I miss my dog, I miss Starbucks." Gets crabby when asked to bring some canned sodas to the interior crew, and explains that it's because "I like to be important." Yeah, that attitude isn't old already.
  10. Hannah
    "I don't have time to fucking babysit" this, snarking on Tiffany's "sob stories" that...Hannah's more than happy to grumble "under her breath" -- i.e., just loud enough for Tiffany to hear that she's bitching, but free of useful corrective content -- so she has a reason to act a pissy bitch, instead of sitting Tiffany down and explaining what needs doing and how to get it all done in a given timeframe. Of course, once Hannah's had a few drinks, she's plenty courageous enough to rip on Tiffany for not knowing that "entree" and "starter" mean the same thing in Europe, and to respond to Tiffany's "mom" toast by calling her "trashbag daughter." Gets into it with Bryan when he gently suggests that management lectures don't tend to stick when both parties are sozzled, blaring that he should stick to his own "managering skills" and not tell her hers. Well, here's a managering tip I've found useful: it's tough to lead a team from up on a cross, so consider getting down from there and speaking to people directly and with respect.
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