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Below Deck Mediterranean Says Cheesecake

When models come aboard for a photo-shoot charter, Danny's literal boner leads to a series of figurative ones.

Everyone manages to get back to the boat without booting...including two unauthorized guests, whose presence gets Danny and Bobby in trouble (and Bryan too, kind of, when his attempt to Gallant the sitch by tattling to Captain Mark also reveals his ignorance of what was going on, and backfires). But the trouble's just starting for our heroes when the next charter -- a group of models from a Hooters-type joint called the Tilted Kilt, using the yacht for a bikini-calendar photo shoot -- comes on board.

The show's madonna-whore attitude towards the women is off-putting. Every single comment from the crew snarking on the models' hair extensions is included, not to mention any and every in-focus shot of the models' bikini'd butts ascending the stairs...and the editing feels obliged to include the full range of unworldly comments and questions from them as well, like whether sparkling water tastes different from tap, or not recognizing eggplant and capers. Is it really the place of a network milking every penny from the travails of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey to roll its eyes so elaborately at these trashy unsophisticates with obvious weaves?

This is just one of the not-good looks in the third ep; let's rank the Below Dicks, best to worst.

  1. Bobby
    He should have known better than to bring girls back to the yacht, "but: I was drinking." Tries to bring Danny back in line along with him, to little avail.
  2. Julia
    No objection.
  3. Tiffany
    Doesn't care whether anything's resolved with Hannah, just puts her head down and does her work. Wise choice, given that her boss's approach to problem-solving involves ripshit progress reports and flipping off her superiors.
  4. 2016-05-18-bd-hannah-finger
  5. Captain Mark
    Deeply displeased with Bryan's report about the unauthorized ladies, not least because Bryan is a little preeny about modeling "transparency" (how do I know? he repeats the term like five times). Instead, Mark clocks him for not knowing his team was serving prohibited guests from the boat's booze, and my sense that Mark is neither fooled nor impressed by Bryan's self-righteous approach is pleasing.
  6. Ben
    Openly pleased that someone else is in trouble and not him, but should really be better prepared for birthday-cake requests at this point in his career, IMO. His bone-dry "hula hoops, really" is hilare.
  7. The guests
    Okay, so they can't recognize some foods and there's some foobage going on. It's hardly the first time for either of those things on Below Deck, so what's with the crapping all over them? Yeah, the koala comment is idiotic; nobody asked to watch American football.
  8. Bryan
    When a man refers to women as "females" the way Bryan does when he reports to the captain that "two females came on" the boat, it tells you something about that man, and not something awesome. I sympathize with him in terms of how he's trying to deal with Jen's Eeyore attitude, though.
  9. Danny
    Brings girls back to the boat and serves them top-shelf tequila. Having gotten chewed out for that, learns exactly nothing; is much too "helpful" with the photo shoot, keeps Hannah up for hours flirting with Morgan, burbles about star signs and the "deep connection" he feels with her, and pulls her behind some rocks for a make-out sesh that is visible from space, not to mention cameras and other crew.
  10. 2016-05-18-bd-danny-makeout
  11. Jen
    Her withering description of the guys' reaction to the models is actually a non-specific withering view of basically everything, and while I don't entirely disagree that Bryan is "overcompensat[ing] for his lack of abilities," if she's done sooo many more charters than Bryan and is sooo superior, shouldn't she have a better attitude and feel less homesick? Bryan busts her for a teenagery sigh-heave, then almost busts her again when she's bitching to Julia about it. This is the job, Ambassador; if you're that miserable, quit.
  12. Hannah
    A chief stew should probably do a better job of disguising her contempt for the guests' ignorance -- i.e., try to disguise it even a little.

    2016-05-18-bd-hannah-bitchface

    I guess she's too busy reminding people that "this is my boat, so," and that "this is my interior, honey," for it to occur to her that comparing the Tilted Kilties to hookers is not super-appropriate.

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