Below Deck Mediterranean Does Dinner AND A Show

...of Danny's figurative ass, when he can't stop vibing with Morgan.

Danny doesn't get tattled on about mashing with Morgan by Jen, and manages -- barely -- not to get fired either after he's ordered not to write Morgan a poem to cheer her up, and does it anyway. Hannah thinks he should have gotten fired anyway, not for fraternizing but for disobeying Captain Mark. I think he should have gotten fired for liking a dingbat who gets upset about having eaten fish and other animals in the middle of eating sushi, like, do vegetarian or do not do vegetarian, there is no "cry."

In any case, Danny's spared, for now, though his prospects look grim in the next episode; I suspect Captain Mark didn't want to have to roll the dice with another deckhand, not after windy conditions screwed up comms during docking and nearly resulted in a boatwreck while Danny was grounded in his bunk.

Elsewhere, Ben is inspiring yet another Below Deck-er to embarrass herself over him, and Bryan is a choad. Let's rank the Below Dicks, best to worst.

  1. Bobby
    Not that it works, but he wins points from me for physically snatching away the first draft of Danny's poem and hissing, "We're fucking working, dude!", then promptly selling Danny out to Bryan.

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    His disbelieving stares when Danny's poetical cheertatorship cannot be toppled are everything.

  2. Julia
    Cheerfully takes custody of Morgan's hair extensions at the beach. Cute boyfriend.
  3. Captain Mark
    Mark strapped his Lee on a little bit this week, cutting off Danny's damp-eyed bleating about wanting to bring joy to people's lives with, "Be a WalMart greeter or something, y'know?" and pulls a couple of subtle but life-giving "bitch, please" faces. By contrast, his girlish "bye you guys!" when the guests depart is hilarious.
  4. Ben
    That cake looks like someone threw it onboard from a neighboring boat, and again I have to wonder what is the BFD about coming up with a passable cake -- is it an onboard-oven issue? because if they always look that ass, buy one onshore or tell the primaries it's not possible -- but everything is forgiven, for seasons past as well, thanks to this hall-of-fame "bert the ferk?!" face when he's informed that Morgan has taken to her bunk to cry about how the fish everyone's eating had...families? She's practically strumming a banjo and crooning, "Nobody knooooows / the meat I've seeeeeeeen" while her friend Ambassador Drunk Compassion murmurs, "Thank you for being yourself."


    The only proper response, really. And I can't say I entirely understand why Ben is such yachtnip to his colleagues aside from, you know, limited options...but he's wise to crane his neck out of the way of Hannah's determination to get kissed by him. Because: geh, but more on that in a sec.

  5. Tiffany
    Getting along with Hannah, helping out on deck...getting it on with Bryan? Her talking-head beer-goggle acknowledgement that Bryan's "looking better as the night goes on" makes it slightly less blergy, but unless he's not talking at all during? No, girl.
  6. Danny
    It's hard to stay annoyed with him, but the way he talks about his deeply unwise decision to proceed with Poemgate -- "I make these moments!"; "It's just a connection!"; "I'm a peoples [sic] person!" -- is barfy and weird, and the boo-boo-kitty mien he's wearing throughout much of the episode,


    while admittedly probably effective in getting girls to coo over and caretake him, is not what you want to see in a grownup. He's got two strikes and has to skip his portion of the tip, but buckles down (for now) and even makes Jen a little feel-better gallery starring pictures of her dog while she's out for the evening.

  7. Jen
    Her "very Italian" rationale for not "snitching" on Danny: whatever. Benefits from not getting much screentime thanks to someone else acting a more unprofessional fool.
  8. The guests
    Just...your sheet says you're a vegetarian. You'll probably feel a lot less sad about the war crimes you've committed against those further down the food chain if you...were...that? Because fish aren't vege...t...ables?


    I mean, I thought she might boot right on the dinner table so I guess I should count my blessings that Morgan is "just" dumb as a box of (her own fake) hair, but: shut up please.

  9. Hannah
    Snippy about thinking Mark should have fired Danny, then painfully obvious in her drunken tractor-beam flirting with Ben, with the looking at his chin and the finding an excuse to touch his face and the running her hands up under his shirt, and it's cringey. It doesn't get better when he dodges kissing her by saying, reasonably, that he doesn't want to make it weird on the work tip; her ungracious and slurry "what's wrong with you, we get along and I'm wearing an 11-inch mini-'skirt'" (some of that was silent) response is going to send him into Tiffany's bunk, not hers. Not that she'll give up on this, I'm guessing.
  10. Bryan
    This chinless dickbag. He's not horrendous this week, but he sighs condescendingly about Danny's getting so emotional that "it's not a very manly quality, is it?" Yeah, okay. Then, after saying he's nervous about relying on Jen with Danny in literal dry-dock, but NOT exactly saying that it's because Jen has bewbs, he gets sloppy drunk and decides he wants to bone Tiffany because she's like a bro and won't get attached. If ever a guy needed to have a girl child who made him play dress-ups with him so he could get himself correct about some lady shit, it's Bryan.
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