Below Deck Mediterranean Charters From Heaven To Hell

The best/worst Charter arrives, and Danny trades in his phone and attitude for Bryan and Bobby's 'fluff and bulls---.'

Filling in for the esteemed Sarah D. Bunting is a tall order. But, like Jen, I've done my research and am ready to buckle down and tie this thing up in a fancy knot I hope is worthy of this space's usual occupant, and already know will be written off by Bryan entirely.

Like Bunting, I'm going to take a second to defend Danny. Who, it turns out, wasn't faking or nursing a hangover, but was legitimately very sick. He might be annoying -- I think it's his whiny, underdeveloped voice, more than anything else -- but it's disappointing that Bryan immediately starts stirring people up about his stake in the charter's tip, and later joins forces with Bobby to ride him about papers he should be carrying around and his overall shitty attitude. Realistically, all he wants to do is move on and work. Well, and post pictures to Instagram.

Danny, I'm sorry your coworkers hate you. But no, you cannot use your break to take a jet ski and check out those caves because everyone else is on their phones and yours is with the captain.

All in all, it's a surprisingly tame week for the crew of the Princess, as one charter ends and another god-awful one begins. Still, though, there's always at least one monster. So, with that in mind, let's see who's the biggest Below Dick. Ladies and gentlemen: your least-to-greatest dick rankling!

  1. The First Charter
    What a lovely group of women!
  2. Tiffany
    Bless her heart, truly. Sure, it's a little sad watching her shut her brain off and smile through the pain as she walks across the scattered dumpster fire that is the ship's second charter and into the light of an altogether better world. Simply put, she's someone who's either suffered a nervous breakdown in the past and made peace with things, or who's about to go down in Bravo history for being the first person to stab someone during a season finale. Either way she's an inspiration.
  3. Jen
    Speaking of women who get down to business! Jen's disappointment over having to bring Danny to the hospital on the mainland is a little grating. But, because it's less about being stuck with the person everyone can't stand and more about her correct assumption that Bryan and Bobby think she's expendable, I'm fine with it. She also scores by coming ahead of the rapey subtext of her late-night exchange with Bryan about how to correctly tie those dumbass knots.
  4. Captain Mark
    To echo the sentiments of my esteemed colleague Sarah D. Bunting: I, too, miss Captain Lee of Original Flavor Below Deck. But Captain Mark's not too bad. He lacks Captain Lee's constant vigilance, but it's also nice to have someone in control who smiles more than once a year. Plus it's a nice balance, considering how relatively humorless the crew is. Points to him for barely flinching when the beyond drunk first charter's primary responded to his saying he just celebrated his 16th wedding anniversary by...asking how long he's been married.
  5. Ben
    Ben seems to have grown up. At the very least, I was impressed by how much he seemed to care about Danny, from suggesting he get a jump on the crew's brewing revolt and forfeit his tip, to remaining professional with Hannah and not blowing up when they talked about writing down the dinner menu before service. In a way, he's more the Mrs. Garrett of the show than Captain Mark. Well, if Mrs. Garrett was a college RA, that is.
  6. Bobby
    Bobby seems like a nice enough guy, I guess. Though as much as he seems to convey that flirty, boyish charm and Cary Hart edge/swagger, he's probably, realistically more like a closeted senator with anger issues. Okay, so that comparison's a little extreme. But it's disheartening seeing him jump aboard the Danny hate train once Bryan literally wants to see Danny's papers and he doesn't have them. He really doesn't like him. And that's fine -- nobody says you have to like your coworkers -- but maybe give him a little bit of recovery time, or let the workday start, before ranting about what a terrible worker he is. Just a thought.
  7. Hannah
    As someone who's catered during the summer for the past ten years, I totally get why Hannah hates the second charter and can't pretend to hide it. They're jerks. Sure, she should be watching what she says and trying harder not roll her eyes in front of them, or let her natural stank-face show when they make dumb jokes and purposely screw with her, but still. It's one thing to scream at your coworkers for no reason before and after hours, Bobby. But Hannah: unfortunately it's quite another thing to visibly hate your clients even when they are the actual worst. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
  8. Julia
    Relax, this one's purely cosmetic. I shuddered at the way she said she immediately knew when she met him that Ben was privately educated and came from good stock. Not the worst thing, and she's otherwise fine. But -- and it's a big one -- like Norman Bates in Psycho, the faces of a hundred dearly departed Housewives flashed across her face in that talking head.

  9. Danny
    A lightning rod for who the fuck knows anymore, Danny's biggest problem is Danny, and he'd otherwise be miles ahead if he'd just think twice. Like asking if he could go explore caves on what I'm sure was an hour break, tops. Then there's the sad, puppy-eyed way he talks about Instagram that's like nails on a chalkboard. Danny, I'm rooting for you, but please, stop talking about Instagram and accept that you no longer have a phone.
  10. Bryan
    Where to start? If Bobby is Cary Hart by way of a closeted senator, then Bryan is wannabe Dolph Lundgren, bathed in Drakkar Noir, and by way of Rutger Hauer in The Hitcher or something of the ilk. He's just the worst. Yes, part of his job description is to micromanage people, but I'm pretty sure he thinks micromanage and belittle mean the same thing. There's just something about his air that's so smarmy and sweaty and aggressive and unable to be pleased. He's creepy, to say the least.
  11. The Second Charter
    Plain and simple: jerks. For context, the image up top is of one of the women drunkenly falling off the cabinets shortly after arriving. Little sloppy.

For Must See TV Week we remember:

Karen & co. scattering Stan's ashes aboard her yacht on Will & Grace!

  • When Karen gets thrown out to sea by Minnie Driver's Lorraine, Rosario dives in to save her, and they make it back a day or two later. Captain Mark never would have let it get that far. So thank god he wasn't there.
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