Who's The (Brat-)Wurst On Below Deck Med?

Sarah D. Bunting regrets nothing about that pun. Also: it's Bryan. Bryan is the worst. Shut up, Bryan.

Strange little episode! Not unentertaining, but The Danny Situation kind of goes nowhere, save Mark and Bobby snarking on his hustle when the smaller ship is sinking (and Danny himself grumbling to Jen that Bryan hates him, like, it's Bryan; if he does like you, you probably suck). Speaking of Bryan, the Bryffany showmance is over before it starts thanks to Bryan's...Bryantasticity? I thought they'd already Done It, but no, and according to Tiffany, 'tain't happening now. Good girl.

It's equally unclear to me what the show wants me to think is or isn't going on between Hannah and Ben. Do the editors want me to conclude that Ben is pretending to flirt with her to keep the peace? Because it looks like that's about to end too, in any case.

The Med Coast Guard shows up to tow the sinking boat, Bobby likes Julia (don't worry, if you missed it, it will definitely be revisited), and those poor cheezeball guests whom Rocky served Oysters Grenadine on BD: Mothership last year have returned to let the franchise make it up to them. Let's rank the Below Dicks, best to worst.

  1. Ben
    Apologizes to Hannah in the interest of moving forward, but stands his ground when she gets dramatical about how he mistreated her, o woe! Later, asks her out on a semi-date to reset their working relationship. If I'm right that he's trying to keep her on the possible-make-out hook as a diplomatic measure, that's grad-level manipulation and I respect it.
  2. Tiffany
    She would have boned down with Bryan before. Then she spent some alone time with his slurrific ass.

    2016-06-08-bdm-bryan-slurfest 2016-06-08-bdm-bryan-thumb 2016-06-08-bdm-tiff-k

    "...No. Sorry." I'm not! I'm thrilled! Run away, gurrrrrl! Later, comments that the other stews "don't understand Americans" while passing out shots to the guests, and it's kind of true.

  3. Captain Mark
    No objection.
  4. Julia
    "I'll stick my finger up anyone's bum" as long as they have clothes on, she giggles in a talking-head. Her seeming inability to cope with the Bobby-crush situation is aging rapidly, but he is foxy and there is kind of nothing else to think about on board and I wouldn't be surprised to learn the producers asked her not to kibosh it yet.
  5. Bobby
    Asked by the captain after the mayday kerfuffle what he's learned, Bobby chirps, "That a boat almost had to sink for Danny to hustle?" That's not a great look, legit frustration notwithstanding, and trying to poach Julia when she has a boyfriend isn't either, though see above re: producers potentially massaging that sitch.
  6. Danny
    Really steps up during the mayday: plus one! A point I must immediately deduct for this amateurish performance!


    Terrible drunk-snacking form, friendo.

  7. Jen
    Not in the episode much again -- except to grouse that "Bobby is Bryan's favorite." Well, yeah: you're a pill who's constantly getting defensive about the job description, and Danny has no boundaries. I've no doubt Bryan is underestimating her based on her gender over and above his other dingly tendencies, but Bobby is the only reasonable favorite here. Also: put your hair up.
  8. The guests
    The primary's GF wants to gin up a celebration of their seven-month anniversary. ...Yeah. Her explanation of it is smurfily interminable as well, and the primary himself, Alan Sr., drops this bombshell during the first meal service:


    Yaaaaa think? Alan also blares of the obnoxious, dated chick-tail he obliged Hannah to create that it's "the worst expresso [sic] martini" he's ever had in his life, and tromps downstairs to instruct her on how to mix them, like, I really don't think you get to clutch your bronzer-stained pearls over a drink whose name you can't pronounce?

  9. Hannah
    I'm into her withering TH response to Alan Sr.'s martini clinic, but at the beginning of the ep, she's still whining that Ben threw her under the bus -- and is using words like "violate" and "abusive." I can't wait to see the hyperbole that attends the miscommunication about the number of courses. That is, if she's not too busy taking credit for Tiffany's stew-velopment.
  10. Bryan
    Not only is he a sloppy weirdo in his pursuit of Tiffany,


    but the next day he makes it out like he turned her down...when he's not micromanaging Danny's squeegeeing. He's a little too identified still with his college frat, and pompously informs Bobby, "You know what they say, boyfriends are speedbumps, not roadblocks." What "they" says that, doucheballoon? Bring me these "theys," that I might crown them with beehives. Furthermore, shut your face.

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