Turds Learn To Surf On Bachelor In Paradise!
The contestants surf, cry, and scheme! Who ranks worst?
- Caila & Jared
Caila tells Jared that she doesn't want to bathe in Ashley's firehose of crazy anymore, so she's leaving Paradise. Jared replies that he "need[s] time to soak that in and talk to Ashley." Caila's like, "Uh, okay, byeeeeee." She has had it up to HURR with Jared's wishy-washy bullshit and I, for one, do not blame her. She packs her stuff while Jared goes to talk to Ashley. After hemming and hawing and giving Ashley reassuring hugs, Jared seems to finally make up his mind that Caila > Ashley (and, come on, Jared: ANYONE > Ashley) and runs after Caila's van! They van on out of Paradise together, indubitably to live out the rest of their natural lives on this Earth together. Right? RIGHT??
The woman who only spoke Russian on Ben's season arrives. She is deigning to speak English this time, which doesn't add much to the Shushanna experience, to be honest. She goes out with Wells on a surfing double date and they make out. The end.
- Evan & Carly
These two only pop up (pun intended) for a quick second this episode to (grossly) let us know that Evan gets a boner while making out with Carly. Congrats, I guess?
Wells feels that he "owe[s] Ashley a conversation" after going out with Jami. (Huge Mistake #1.) He doesn't want to hurt Ashley's feelings, but he also wants to "explore" things with Jami, so he tells Ashley he's "unsure of what the hell [he's] supposed to do." When Ashley replies that Wells just needs to see what happens, he tells her she seems "rational and normal"! (Huge Mistake #2.) Ashley assures Wells that she's "matured" a lot over the last week, and he seems to buy it. (Huge Mistake #3.) Their conversation is left "open-ended"! (Huge Mistake #4.) Welp, that went great.
Meanwhile, Wells is turning into quite the hot commodity in paradise, for some reason, and is asked out by new arrival Shushanna, whom he describes as a "sexy Bond villain"! By the time the rose ceremony rolls around, Wells is feeling pretty conflicted about which of the three women -- Ashley, Jami, or Shushanna -- to pick. He is also dumb enough to make out with Ashley right before the rose ceremony. HUGE MISTAKE #5.
- Lauren H.
Lauren H., my least-favorite Lauren from Ben's season, shows up and immediately reminds me of why I couldn't stomach her on The Bachelor. It's partly her grating accent (and I say that as someone FROM THE SAME STATE as her) and partly her stupid facial expressions, but it's mostly just her essential Lauren H.-ness. I also hate that she's a kindergarten teacher, because I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way, PLEASE. Anyway. Lauren and Shushanna have a double date card, and Lauren asks out Brett, who is only too happy to give Izzy the ol' heave-ho. They go surfing and it's boring (i.e. Lauren fails to have her head absorbed by a giant jellyfish so I don't care about anything else that happens).
- Ashley I.
Ashley declares that "Caila is an awful person," and therefore her open sabotage of Caila's relationship with Jared is actually in Jared's best interest. Yeah, that checks out. But when Jared tells Ashley that Caila has decided to leave Paradise, Ashley senses that Jared might go, too, and launches into panic mode. "[Caila] said she doesn't like you," lies Ashley. When Jared doesn't seem to buy this, Ashley gets hysterical, as is her wont. Jared hugs her and tells her he knows she has good intentions (eye rollllllls forever), but despite Ashley's impassioned wailing, Jared peaces out of Paradise to follow Caila. Ashley, turns out, does not take Jared's departure well, sobbing that she's "lost [her] best friend," while the rest of the cast fights mightily not to strangle her with their bare hands.
Post-Jared, Ashley has decided to focus her dark energies on entrapping Wells, mostly by plastering even more makeup on her already QUITE MADE-UP face. YES, PUT ON SIX SETS OF EYELASHES; THAT'LL DO IT. When Wells and Jami return from their date holding hands, though, Ashley knows she's in trouble. Dammit, Ashley! You should have put on that seventh set of eyelashes! She's even more worried when Wells goes out with Shushanna, whom she describes as a "Russian hooker," which seems...harsh? But before the rose ceremony, Wells -- like the dumbest of idiots -- makes out with Ashley. NOOOOOOooooOOO.
- Amanda & Josh
Amanda gets a date card and takes Josh to dinner. "Getting engaged to Josh is definitely something that has crossed [her] mind," she says, but she doesn't want to be "blind" to the possibility that Josh may, in fact, be a horrible turd. At dinner, Josh launches into his usual slimy song and dance about how "incredible" this "journey" has been, and Amanda eats it up. She claims she's a "smart girl" (nope) and a "good judge of character" (nope) and therefore trusts that Josh is genuine. She sees the "sensitive, sweet side" of him and thinks he's "perfect for" [her]! ...'Kay.