Just Like A Tattoo, We'll Always Have Bachelor In Paradise!
Some people make good decisions (like leaving) and others make less-good decisions (like getting matching tattoos). Who ranked the best this week?
- Evan and Carly
Carly and Evan go on a date that involves stripping down to skivvies and painting with their bodies. Cool? After this life-changing experience, they exchange "I love you"s. Congrats.
The chicken enthusiast from Ben's season (who has since rebranded herself as the much more sophisticated sounding "chicken connoisseur") arrives in Paradise on the second-to-last episode of the season. Great timing! She's quickly approached by Nick, who wrangles her date card out of her so he can use it for himself. After that, she sits on the beach alone, eating fried chicken and staring morosely out to sea. She's eliminated after the first rose ceremony, which serves her right for leaving Sheila even for one second.
Shushanna is mad because Wells isn't paying attention to her! She storms out of the cocktail party and Wells dutifully goes after her. They have a discussion in which she is like, "I want to go home," and Wells is like, "Okay." After this, Shushanna collapses in a fit of tears and whines that she wants to go home. Ugh, SO GO HOME. Прощай!
Wells kisses Jami AND Ashley, but ends up picking Ashley at the rose ceremony, thus proving himself the dumb idiot we've feared him to be all along. Now that he and Ashley are in the final four couples, there's a Fantasy Suite date on the table! Initially, it's unclear whether or not Wells has enough brain matter lighting up to realize that if he sleeps with Ashley in that Fantasy Suite, he'll be signing his own death warrant (with his dick). But, to his credit, Wells sees the writing on the wall and dumps Ashley before she can go through with those trusty murder-suicide plans she undoubtedly has on standby for just such an occasion.
- Brett and Lauren H.
Brett is "feeling Lauren more than Izzy," the doof who dumped her devoted boyfriend Vinny for him. Brett tells Izzy he had a "better connection" with Lauren and that he wants to "move on" from what he and Izzy had...which was nothing, so that shouldn't be TOO hard. Lauren H. assumes that now that Izzy's gone, she's got this in the bag. But at the rose ceremony, Brett gives a speech about how he wanted to find love in Paradise but hasn't felt "that spark." He decides not to give out his rose at all and goes home instead. Eat it, Lauren H.
- Nick and Jennifer
Nick uses Tiara's date card to take out Jen. He needs time alone with her to figure out if their relationship can go the distance! I'm guessing the answer is "no" since he's already been named the next Bachelor, but I'm waiting with bated breath to find out how this all shakes out! Nick and Jen visit a fortune teller who just happens to speak perfect English, has no other customers, and is definitely not a producer plant. She warns Jen to keep her expectations low and says that Nick is unsure about things. Uh, duh. Despite the fortune teller's (basic as hell) warnings, Jen thinks she is "in love with Nick," even though he has never expressed similar feelings to her. Nick admits to Jen that he has "a wall up," but says he expresses his feelings when he feels them. In other words: HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU, JEN. Get the friggin' net.
- Ashley I.
Ashley I. flies under the radar for the first 45 minutes of the episode, has a brief but frightening comeback when she somehow bewitches Wells into giving her his rose, and then flames out when Wells's self-preservation instincts finally kick in and he dumps her. In the end, it is pretty satisfying to watch her slowly dragging her huge rolling suitcase across the sand as she is finally exiled from Paradise.
- Grant and Lace
On their date, Grant and Lace (who I keep wanting to call Grat and Lance, but never mind) buy bracelets that say "Grace," which is their self-appointed "celebrity couple" name, which is tremendously gross, but only a blip on the radar of stupid things Grant and Lace will eventually do together. Grant is still waiting for Lace to tell him she loves him back. But before that can happen, they decide to get matching tattoos that say "Grace." Yes, these idiots get their dumb couple name permanently tattooed on their wrists. By the end of the episode, Lace finally breaks down and tells Grant she loves him. She "can't wait for Grant to propose tomorrow!" Eesh.
Izzy still thinks Brett is very attractive! But, as I mentioned, he does not feel the same way about her, apparently, and dumps her rather unceremoniously before the rose ceremony. She feels like an "idiot" and "really stupid." Accurate. She also regrets ever saying goodbye to Vinny and wants to see him again! I feel like if she had genuine regrets about breaking up with Vinny, she would have realized that sooner and not just when Brett dumped her... but sure, this seems legit. In her pensive limo, Izzy calls Vinny and he's like, "Who dis." Izzy asks him if she can come to Florida and talk to him right that second, and he's like, "Nope." He tells her she was shallow and he won't be with someone who treats him badly. Her plan to reclaim her reject thus horribly backfiring, Izzy rounds things off by having a fake panic attack in the car.
- Amanda and Josh
Josh spends most of this episode grossly slurping pizza while Amanda licks the grease off his chin. Later, on their date, Josh busts in on some local kids' pick-up soccer game and whoops manically as the children valiantly try to pretend he's not there. While they sit on the sidelines, creepily watching unattended children play, Josh asks Amanda about her kids, for what appears to be the first time in their entire "relationship." He then stares wistfully at the Mexican children playing soccer and claims he wants a "simple life." Blarf.