Screen: ABC

It's The Season Finale Of Bachelor In Paradise, And The Stakes Could Not Be More Non-Existent!

A break-up, an engagement, and, as always, lots and lots of TEARS.

The Couples Contemplate Their Fates

It's the day after Kirk dumped Carly, and all the "ladies" in the house are acting like Kirk just murdered Carly with a hacksaw. Their breakup is even making Jade question her relationship with Tanner, because all relationships are exactly the same and will follow an identical trajectory! The guys, meanwhile, just want to move on and get these Fantasy Suite sex dates going already.

Speaking of those sex dates, Justin wants to ask Cassandra to stay overnight with him, but Cassandra is "nervous" and wants to "move slow." Cassandra's reticence makes sense when you consider that Cassandra and Justin JUST MET, LIKE, HOURS AGO. But now, according to the bizarro logic of this show, they're supposed to sleep together to take their "relationship" to the next level for their "relationship's" own sake, I guess? This, despite the fact that, as I feel compelled to reiterate, they do not actually have a relationship to speak of because they do not know each other, and there's nothing at stake here, like, at all. BUT OKAY.

Tenley, for her part, appears to be writing a very disorganized pro-cons list that includes the following items, as far as I can make out: "unexpected," "timing," "hope of greater," "the best," "no expectations," and "brand new chap?" Some real compelling arguments there. Tenley doesn't want to break up with Justin but she also doesn't want to lead him on. Hopefully her weird flow chart of contextless word snippets will help her make the best decision possible.

Samantha And Nick's Date

Nick doesn't want Samantha to leave him "high and dry" like she did to Joe. At dinner, Nick brings up the fact that he and Samantha have been "chatting" for three months now, and therefore they are meant to be. Samantha gives him a disgusted smirk as he rambles on about how much he likes her and how beautiful he finds her. Nick concludes by saying he hopes Samantha is in paradise For The Right Reasons. "I'm here for sincere intentions," says Samantha (which, by the way, definitely not a phrase) before leaning in and kissing Nick with her mouth tightly closed. They head to the Fantasy Suite. Nick announces he is "excited to really dig in deep"! Blarf!

Justin And Cassandra's Date

Justin and Cassandra are making out on a couch. He hopes she will accept the Fantasy Suite invite he's about to give her! But Cassandra tells Justin she thinks spending the night together would be "inappropriate" and she would prefer to take things slow. Well. This sudden outbreak of rational thought is certainly unexpected -- and UNWELCOME.

Tenley And Joshua's Date

Tenley tells Joshua she's attracted to him but wants to be "real" about her feelings and doesn't want either of them to get hurt. Joshua, for one, is "very willing to see what happens after paradise." In other words: "I am going to say what I think you want to hear in this moment so that you will feel more comfortable boning me in this hotel room." Tenley, despite all of her reservations, decides she wants to give her relationship with Joshua "a chance" and they go into the Fantasy Suite.

Jade And Tanner's Date

Jade is still shaken up after the Kirk-Carly breakup. Tanner reassures her that he likes "all the facets that [she is]" (not a phrase), then tells her that he LOVES her. He follows his declaration of love up with: "It's weird to say." Yep! Jade replies that she thinks Tanner "get[s] her" and then she tells him she loves him, too! Joyous news!

Pre-Rose Ceremony Stress

Chris Harrison welcomes all of the couples back from their dates and explains that the final rose ceremony will be "different," because "giving a rose today means you are committed to a life together outside of paradise. Marriage, kids, the whole thing." Sure, that all seems enforceable. Chris Harrison admonishes the couples that "there is nothing worse than an empty promise." This entire set-up, of course, is dumb on so many levels, but it's colossally dumb as regards Cassandra and Justin, since they just met and have no incentive whatsoever to commit to each other AT ALL at this point, but nice try at creating stakes, show with ZERO actual stakes.

Rose Ceremonies

Each couple will have their own separate rose ceremony. How special!

Justin stands at the rose plinth and waits for Cassandra to approach. She gives him a hug and then stands there and waits for him to ask her to...what, exactly? Be his girlfriend? Move in with him and raise his child? Be his way more attractive pen-pal? It's unclear! Justin gives a little speech in which he says that he's "excited to see what comes next," and asks if Cassandra will accept his rose. She does, and then she gives Justin HER rose, so it's all very official now. Double roses exchanged; no backing out of that. Cassandra's been "waiting [her] whole life to find someone like Justin!" Cassandra, you've seen his hair, right? Like, when it's wet? I'm just asking.

Nick's plan was to "come to paradise, date Sam, leave with Sam," which sounds sort of...kidnappy? Anyway, Nick tells Samantha that she "literally takes his breath" away (nope), and then asks if she'll leave paradise with him. She replies that he is her "Prince Charming," and accepts. Huh.

Tenley has been feeling not good about her long-term prospects with Joshua. At the rose ceremony, she tells him he's an "amazing man" and that he's "restored hope" for her to find a "great love" (barf). But she points out that Joshua lives in a small-town in Idaho, while she needs to live in a city, so it just won't work, practically speaking. Tenley thanks Joshua "for everything," and then he walks her to her limo as she sobs.

In a departure from long-held tradition, Jade, a WOMAN, offers Tanner, A MAN, her rose first! Feminism. She tells him how "unexpected" their relationship has been and that she loves him. A VERY sweaty Tanner starts to reciprocate, but he chokes up midway through his speech, telling Jade he "can't give [her] this rose." Then he gets down on one knee and proposes marriage, and Jade accepts! Everyone gathers on the beach for a toast to the happy couple. Then Tanner scoops Jade up in his arms and they walk off into the sunset. They will definitely get married! THE END.

Verdict

This was an even bigger waste of time than usual. Literally NOTHING interesting happened the entire hour. I feel personally lied to by Chris Harrison, and you should, too.

Readers disliked this episode
What did you think?