Screen: ABC

Bachelor In Paradise Whacks The Old Agave

The Bachelor In Paradise crew stew in their own vile juices some more, with plenty of tequila a'flowin'.

Joe And Samantha Continue To Be The Worst

JJ and Joe have just had a heated conversation about Joe and Samantha's deceit toward Juelia, and Joe has just stormed off! Joe, probable sociopath, thinks he's just made JJ his "bitch." Samantha, actual sociopath, is not concerned with Juelia's feelings in all of this hubbub, because Samantha is "so not about drama." (Note: in Samantha's world, drama = other humans' feelings). Meanwhile, Juelia is giving herself a tearful pep talk/breakup speech in which she tells herself she's going to make some lucky guy an "amazing wife" some day. Eesh.

Cocktail Party

Before the rose ceremony, peeps be speculatin'. Three "ladies" are going home tonight, and everyone is wondering who it'll be! Joshua: "I think there's three glaringly obvious women fighting for their lives tonight." (Dibs on Glaringly Obvious Women as the name of my future riot grrrl group, by the way). As the cocktail party gets going, Joe decides to address the group and admit that he and Samantha did engage in "small talk" before coming onto the show, but that it was no biggie, so everyone should just relax. Tanner is not buying it! He saw that text message from Samantha encouraging Joe to stick around as long as he could so that they could meet on the show. Tanner tries to get Joe and Samantha to admit their wrongdoing, but they won't, and this really grinds Tanner's gears!

In other, even less consequential news, Ashley I. is stressing because Jared hasn't made any moves on her since kissing her at the last cocktail party. After sitting next to each other in excruciating silence for a long while, Ashley I. finally asks Jared how he could kiss her two days ago and then follow it up with nothing. His response: "Sorry, it's been a long night." Finally, he kisses her, keeping his mouth as closed as possible, while Ashley I. gnaws on all available lip surfaces. "We're really good, compatible kissers," she gushes, while Jared looks like he just made out with a large, outlandishly eyelashed snail.

Finally, Dan and JJ, the "swing votes" in tonight's rose ceremony, need to make up their minds, already! Seems like Dan is leaning toward giving his rose to Amber. JJ, meanwhile, likes Megan but isn't sure what to do since Juelia -- poor, beleaguered, widowed, single mom Juelia -- is going home if JJ or Dan doesn't give her a rose. So, basically, JJ can either give a pity rose to Juelia or a boner rose to Megan. A true dilemma. Tenley tries to convince JJ to give his rose to Juelia since Juelia has gone through so much and "deserves a break," like JJ is captaining the last lifeboat off the Titanic or something. Lives are at stake here!!!

Juelia Comes Up With A Plan

Juelia, as it turns out, doesn't want anyone's pity rose! She has too much pride! In order to preserve her dignity, Juelia must figure out another way to stay on this embarrassing shit-stain of a show, rather than, oh, I don't know, GOING HOME TO HER CHILD. She goes to talk to Chris Harrison, telling him she wants "a fair chance at love." She suggests that the producers bring back Mikey, who was "really going to bat for [Juelia]" before he was sent packing because of her dumb choices. Juelia thinks she "deserve[s]" another shot at "love!" She DESERVES this, you guys. She EARNED this!

Rose Ceremony

The roses are dispensed as follows: Joshua --> Tenley; Jared --> Ashley I.; Kirk --> Carly; Tanner --> Jade; JJ --> Ashley S. (huh?). After surprising everyone by giving his rose to Ashley S., JJ gives a speech about how he came to paradise with an "open heart and open mind," but now he must take his leave. Despite spending the last few weeks in paradise with "the world's most beautiful women" (sure!), JJ's heart is back in Denver with some other broad, so he's outie. After saying his goodbyes, he launches into a RATHER grandiose talking head in which he congratulates himself for doing "what [he] believe[s] in," and being "selfless and courageous." SO BRAVE.

The rose ceremony picks back up with gross Joe giving his gross rose to gross Samantha. This means Dan has the final rose. Dan has "literally no idea" what he's going to do! LITERALLY NO IDEA. After much dramatic music and a pow-wow with Carly, Dan gives his rose to Amber. This means Megan, Juelia, and Clare are all being ejected from paradise.

Juelia Gets A Surprise

Juelia waves a tearful goodbye and then jogs away in heels, which, bad idea, am I right, ladies?! Just as Juelia's about to leave, who should pop out of the awaiting limo but MIKEY! What a SURPRISE!! Juelia pronounces Mikey her "knight in shining armor." (Shining armor, in this case = pink v-neck through which you can see the knight's nipples). Joe, by the by, is not psyched that Juelia is staying in paradise, because it makes Joe seem like "the biggest villain in the entire world!"

Jade And Tanner's Date

Jade and Tanner are boarding a private plane for their date! Jade: "This could be a really big moment for mine and Tanner's relationship to take off." Double Bachelor dumbass points awarded to Jade for working in both "mine and Tanner's" and a tortured plane metaphor. Anyway, they fly to Tequila, Mexico and visit -- you'll never guess! -- a tequila distillery. There, they learn how to stab an agave plant with a shovel. "It's definitely fun to whack the old agave," says Tanner. Sure is! After the agave stabbing, Jade and Tanner receive a note with a key inviting them to stay overnight in a hotel. This is great, because Tanner wants to talk to Jade about their "future." He tells her he has "actual feelings" for her, and wants to "make it official." But he's afraid of getting his heart broken! Jade tells him she's "falling for" him, too. Huzzah.

Nick Arrives

Joe is so into Samantha, he wants to marry her! Samantha is "100% for Joe," too, so this will definitely end well for everyone involved and nothing could possibly go wrong.

One second later, a new guy arrives! It's Nick, from Ashley Hebert's season. Nick has been talking to Samantha before the show and can't wait to meet her! He has a date card and he asks out Samantha. They go to talk privately and discuss how happy they are to see each other. But then when they go back to the group (which includes Joe), Samantha tells Nick she won't go out with him. It's pretty uncomfortable! Later, Nick explains to Mikey that he and Samantha talked on the phone and texted a lot before he arrived in paradise. Mikey then fills Nick in on the details of Samantha and Joe's assholery, so instead, Nick asks out Ashley S., who is kind of his only option, and vice versa. She says yes! TRUE LOVE!

Nick And Ashley S.'s Date

Nick and Ashley S. arrive at a port where they are supposed to take a boat to a private island. A man at the port informs them that the port is closed because a hurricane is coming. Neither Ashley S. nor Nick speaks a word of Spanish so they aren't sure what's going on, despite the fact that the man is SPEAKING TO THEM IN ENGLISH. Confused, they get back in their limo and go to a spa to have massages -- but first, they must take many shots of tequila. Oh, and guess what kind of massages they're getting? TEQUILA MASSAGES. Later, since their blood alcohol level is not quite lethal enough, they repair to a hot tub and drink champagne -- and more tequila! Ashley S., who has mascara smeared all over her face and is slurring her words, thinks she and Nick have "chemistry" together! Man, can someone get this lady a Biore wipe and a cup of coffee? Shoot.

Things Start To Go Wrong For Joe

It's Joe's birthday, and he's excited to share it with the girl of his dreams, Samantha. He feels like the "luckiest man in the world!" As they are relaxing on the beach, a VERY RIPPED Nick strolls by, just enjoying the weather and getting those many rows of abs some air. Joe asks Samantha if she wants to go on a date with anyone else in the house, and she says no in a tone that could not be less convincing. Suddenly, Joe thinks that his relationship with Samantha might be "too good to be true." He spends the afternoon fretting, and then decides to creep up on Samantha as she's blow-drying her hair to make sure she's still into him. She tells him that he has a bad reputation in the house and is surrounded by "drama." Sensing that things might be turning for him, Joe goes into a tailspin, standing at the bar and rambling about how he's feeling "paranoid" and questioning everything.

Jared Dumps Ashley I.

Jared is nervous that Ashley I. has much stronger feelings for him than he has for her, so he feels he must break things off with her. That evening, he takes Ashley I. aside and tells her he wants her to "experience paradise." Ashley stares at him like he just told her to go experience an ISIS training camp. He explains that he doesn't think it's "fair" for Ashley I. not to hang out with other guys. Ashley I.: "That's not going to happen." Jared, trying a slightly more direct tack, says he doesn't want to lead Ashley I. on because she's "so sweet." (She's the opposite of that, but let's not nitpick.) When she still doesn't accept defeat, he says that their "chemistry is not what [he's] looking for," and that he's still hung up on Kaitlyn. Ashley dissolves into tears and tells Jared to leave her alone. Once he's gone, Ashley really loses what remaining shred of shit she was clinging to, and curses herself for being "too nervous around [Jared]." Yeah, that was the problem, not your horrible, toxic personality that withers everything with which it comes into contact. "Like, guess I'll be alone forever," Ashley I. sobs, for the second time in, what, two weeks? Also, yes, YOU PROBABLY WILL BE. Then, since she wasn't handling this poorly enough already, Ashley I. proceeds to call Kaitlyn on the phone and tell her that Jared is "obsessed" with her! NOICE.

Samantha Dumps Joe

Joe sets up a birthday party for himself in, per Dan, a "desperate attempt to get Samantha back." Joe tells us that he thinks of Samantha as a "trophy wife," and compares her to "an eight-point buck on the wall." Just what every woman wants to be compared to: a taxidermied animal carcass! SO ROMANTIC. Anyway, Samantha shows up to Joe's pitiful party -- there's a cake and champagne and NO OTHER PEOPLE -- and starts talking about how everything between them has happened "really, really quick," and while she thinks he's a nice guy, she's not into all the "drama." She also suggests that Joe is perhaps the root cause of all this drama. Why, I never! She also tells Joe that she feels "scared and not right," and that she doesn't want to "start off a relationship that way." She wants to go on dates with other people. Thus dumped, Joe walks Samantha out of his own birthday party.


Samantha rejoins the group to announce that she's broken up with Joe, while Joe goes to talk shit about Samantha to Joshua. Joe says that he and Samantha exchanged, "like, 700 text messages" before she arrived, and Samantha told him to do whatever he needed to do to stay in paradise. He also refers to Samantha as a "bitch," while referring to himself as a "hopeless romantic." Sure, that seems accurate. In any case, Joe wants to "clear the air" by presenting his "cold, hard facts" to the group. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, ASSHAT.

Verdict

I can scarcely believe I'm telling you to watch this garbage AGAIN for the second week in a row, but this episode was genuinely entertaining. Yes, there were boring parts, like Jade and Tanner's snoozefest of a date, but there was enough cringe-y, Schadenfreude-packed drama otherwise to make this worth your viewing while. I KNOW, I can't believe I'm saying this either. WHO AM I? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!

Readers liked this episode
What did you think?