Bachelor In Paradise Takes Its Booze On A Cruise And Things Get Pretty Gross
Things devolve even further in paradise when several cast members take to the open seas. Who ranked the best and worst this week?
- Ashley I.
Jared finally nuts up enough to tell an already sobbing Ashley that he likes Caila, which sends Ashley into further paroxysms of crying. Somehow, Ashley's flooding mascara and rivulets of snot fail to seduce Jared into falling in love with her. WEIRD. Despite much wailing and gnashing of teeth, she is sent home at the rose ceremony since -- surprise! -- no dude is clamoring to take on her particular brand of screeching, mucus-choked crazy. She has a full-on meltdown while still in her sad limo and asks to go back to the house. She crashes the post-rose ceremony celebration and asks the other cast members to let her "have a second chance," promising she will have an "open mind" this time. GUYS: DON'T FALL FOR IT. IT'S A TRAAAAAP. But everyone says "yes," because they're stupid/the producers forced them at gunpoint.
Upon receiving her second chance, Ashley claims to be a "new Ashley"! Sure! The very second she sees an opening with Jared, though (when Caila goes out on a date with new guy Brett), Ashley sidles up to him and calls Caila, once again, a "backstabbing whore." This, in a nutshell, is why Ashley is both the best and the worst person in the world. As soon as Caila returns and reunites with Jared, though, Ashley is back on the metaphorical trash heap and -- shocker -- back to unhingedly weeping. Never change, Ashley.
Over the course of this episode, Canadian alien Daniel compares himself to the "king of the jungle," King Kong, The Pope, the President of the United States, Gandhi, and, most troublingly, "Papa Bear." Since he's the only uncoupled man before the rose ceremony, he's courted by, in turn, Sarah (who bakes him a cake), Haley (who pecks him on the lips), and a tear-stained Ashley, (who spends her whole time with him talking about Jared). Daniel tells Ashley that Jared is "ugly" and to get over it already. (Daniel: UNLIKELIEST Voice Of Reason). He also encourages Ashley to "slut it up a little bit" and date ten guys at once. Hard to poke holes in that advice.
At the rose ceremony, Daniel plops himself between the twins while Sarah glowers at him, like he owes her a rose in return for that dumb, melty cake that no one asked for. Shut up, Sarah. Before handing out his rose, Daniel gives a speech about how he "respect[s]" the remaining women (nope) before choosing, inexplicably, Haley. Daniel's choices may seem mysterious to us, but Daniel has a plan. We may hope to experience the wondrousness of its perfection only in the afterlife.
Poor sucker Vinny says he can "picture [his] life with" Izzy! Five seconds later, he's crying as she breaks up with him for Brett, a man with a bouffant. He then has to break the news to his bros, and it's some real sad stuff. Later, he goes to talk to Izzy, I guess to put a pin in their sham of a relationship, and she makes him wait until she's done putting on eye makeup to speak with him. Eesh.
A handsome unknown named Carl shows up and promptly asks out Emily. What we learn about Carl from this episode is that he has a lot of tattoos and knows his way around the poop deck of a booze cruise. Good enough for me.
Ryan claims to have been on Kaitlyn's season (...we'll have to take his word for it). As soon as he arrives, Jared tries to pawn Ashley I. off on him, and Ryan gamely agrees to talk to her. When Ashley admits to Ryan that she's still "obsessed" with Jared, he gets the hint that she's insane and moves along. He asks out Haley instead. Good luck with all of that.
Carly likes Evan now, mostly because she literally has no other options. Whatever, Evan'll take it. By the way, thanks, Carly, for teaching Evan that creepy, unblinking persistence in the face of repeated rejections DOES eventually work in the world of dating. Feminism.
Sarah, who continues to be a self-pitying bore, bakes Daniel a half-birthday cake, hoping he'll give her his rose. She asks him if he'd lick frosting off of her body and he replies that it depends on if she'd showered, which, fair (and: ouch). Unfortunately for Sarah, her pitiful cake bid doesn't work and she's sent home. She feels REALLY sorry for herself because she failed to find lasting love on this abortion of a show. Tragic.
The lamp guy from Andi's season is back, by unpopular non-demand. All of the ladies are vibing on this odd duck, for some reason, but especially Izzy, who thinks Brett is a perfect male specimen. Huh.
Grant has planned something special for Lace: a couple's massage! Afterwards, over two warm glasses of sparkling wine, he tells her he loves her. She, like the rest of America, is like, "What?" When she asks what he loves about her (a valid question to which we'd all like an answer), he replies, "I can see by the way you smile." Is that even a sentence? Does it matter? At this, Lace starts crying tears of "joy."
As I mentioned above, Jared, at long last, has pulled his ovaries out of his purse to tell Ashley he's tired of her bullshit. "I've been as blunt as I possibly can: I do care about you, but not romantically." Ashley: "Are you sure you don't want to be with me, ever?" Jared: [metaphorically blows his brains out]. Just when Jared thinks he has finally extricated himself from Ashley and landed safely with Caila, though, two bad things happen: 1) Ashley returns to paradise after being sent home at the rose ceremony, and 2) Caila agrees to go on a date with Brett. At these terrible developments, Jared goes into full-on mope mode, hanging sadly over the edge of the infinity pool and staring out to sea. As Ashley aptly observes, "Jared's the new Ashley." Slap some hastily applied fake lashes on him and she's not wrong.
- The twins
The twins spend most of this episode halfheartedly courting various men so they can avoid being sent home, and somehow, despite their grating personalities and truly colossal stupidity, it works, and they live to see another day in paradise. I mean, I can see that these women are tall and blonde, and that probably goes a pretty long way with the dumbos populating this show. But, like, are these guys hearing the twins talk, at all? Like, even a few words? Because it is ROUGH STUFF. And yet. Here they are. Still.
Caila, whose magical hair is drawing in men like a shiny black hole, agrees to go out with new arrival Brett, but wants to talk to Jared about it first. Jared tells her he doesn't want her to go, but to do what's best for her, a sentiment both gentlemanly and passive-aggressive. At first, she says she won't go out with Brett, then. But then she tells Jared she's "unsure" about how she feels about him. "I like you, but -- I don't know." OUCH. She tells Brett she's not going to go out with him. But then she waffles back and forth even more and decides, in the end, to go out with him after all. Holy shit; I'm starting to get why Ashley I. wants to scratch Caila's eyes out.
For their date, Caila and Brett go on a booze cruise (along with dullards Emily and Carl) and Caila is uncomfortable with all the boozy cruisiness happening. Listen, lady, if you're going to have reservations about a half-naked man shoving his wet-bathing-suited crotch in your face, you're on the WRONG SHOW. While standing primly on the prow of the boat while everyone else is taking shots out of each other's orifices, Caila tells Brett she's been thinking about Jared and, basically, regretting agreeing to go out with Brett. But then, when she gets back to the house, Caila tells Jared she likes him, but she doesn't want to feel "pressure" about dating him. PICK A LANE, WOMAN. Jared, though, doesn't seem to care that she's lukewarm on him and they make out while Ashley hovers nearby and weeps. Romantic.
Newly minted awful person Izzy has "certain doubts" about Vinny. These doubts seem to boil down to the fact that Izzy doesn't find Vinny as hot as Brett. This is problematic on several levels, at least one of which is the fact that Brett showed up to paradise hauling a lamp and wearing rolled-up jeans and flip-flops like a crazy person, but never mind. Izzy slithers up to Brett and tells him she's questioning things with Vinny because of Brett's looks. He's like, "Cool, thanks." She then drops a bomb on Vinny, informing him she's super-attracted to Brett but that the last thing she wants is to hurt Vinny. Then maybe don't announce to him that you are dumping him for another man based solely on perceived physical attractiveness? JUST A THOUGHT.