Rick Rowell / ABC

Bachelor In Paradise Continues Its Tequila-Propelled Journey Toward Love!

Who will be the most horrible player now that Chad is gone?

Super-excited to fill in for a couple episodes of Bachelor In Paradise, the most amazing television show ever created. We haven't had the first Rose Ceremony yet, so the mad scramble for non-existent scraps of dignity continues. As a result, we should waste no more time getting to our ranking of the contestants, from least obnoxious to most terrible. Exempt this week is Chad, who sharted his way out of the competition, and then ate deli meat in his farewell limo. Deli meat he, I guess, had stashed in his bathing suit? Oh well -- so long, Chad, and welcome Leah and Josh!

  1. Carly
    I feel very sorry for Carly, whose plan to cozy up to Evan to survive the first Rose Ceremony works great until it turns into a date with Evan on the next day. Even before Evan gets his date card and Carly reluctantly agrees to go on the date, Carly gets a preview with a severely underwhelming goodnight kiss. Okay, not "underwhelming" so much as "terrible." Their date is a nightmare date, where they will attempt to set a Guinness World Record of the hottest longest kiss, in front of what Evan describes as "a thousand people." (It's probably about a hundred.) To set this record, they each have to eat a habanero pepper in thirty seconds, then kiss each other for at least ninety seconds. The kiss is uncomfortable and ends with a gross string of well-lit saliva still connecting them. The good news: They set the record! The bad news: Carly throws up in the bathroom after…and not just because of the pepper.
  2. The Crabs
    The crabs are all right, guys. They know what's up. Mostly they run away from the contestants, which is what any sane sentient being would do. And often they rush into the surf, as if hoping to end it all. I'm right there with you, crabs.
  3. Jubilee
    Didn't stand a chance this week. Hardly had a moment to make an impression, good or bad. Will she be missed? Absolutely...until she returns next season!
  4. Sarah
    Hard to be critical of the dim optimist in the group.
  5. Grant
    Yes, he's boring. But he seems kind of sweet, even though he's a pretty big dummy for hitching his wagon to Lace's tequila-fueled star. You know what? That'll probably work out great. I'm sure it'll all be sunshine and peppermints for those two crazy kids from here on out!
  6. The Twins
    The twins eat bananas in front of a bunch of the guys. Because of course they do.
  7. Amanda
    Amanda is such a good mom, she Facetimes with her kids at least once every two days while spending the most important years of their childhood looking for meaningful relationships on these horrible dating shows. She's totally into Nick, to the point of being jealous when Leah asks him on a date. Whoops, but then Josh asks her on a date, and it's as if Nick never existed. Yup, this is probably the year that she finds true love, everybody!
  8. Izzy
    Who is Izzy again? I know she's interested in Vinny, but other than that? I keep forgetting she's there, and when she shows up, I'm like, who is that again? Izzy? Really? There's someone named Izzy on this show? Go figure!
  9. Jared
    There's no better way to describe Jared than as a turd. Jared is a boring turd.
  10. Vinny
    Vinny seems like a very vanilla guy. He mostly likes Izzy, but he totes wanted to make out with Sarah before the Rose Ceremony. I wouldn't put it past him to have done it just to say he kissed a one-armed lady. Something seems very NOT RIGHT about Vinny. Something just below the surface. Keep your eye on that one, ladies. Especially you, the brunette I don't believe I've met. What's your name? ...Izzy? Really? Have you been here the whole time?
  11. Leah
    Allegedly from Ben's season of The Bachelor, Leah arrives bearing a date card. She has terrible judgment. She came on the show to meet Chad, because they both like protein. "And oxygen? Do you also like oxygen? What about water?" Leah says of everyone, "These are my friends." But then a few minutes later adds, "I don't know anybody really." She chooses Nick for her date, and takes him on one of Paradise's patented Sad Dates -- a daytime date to a poorly-attended fake festival called Festival De Margaritas. Such an imaginative name! Wait, isn't "festival de margaritas" what's going on 24-7 at the residence? I will give Leah points for saying to Nick, "I know you've been through this many times." Then when he tries to downplay it by saying he's only done it twice, she clarifies, "More times than you should have." Thank you, Leah. Thank you for saying the thing that needed to be said. And better luck next time getting a rose.
  12. The Producers
    The very visible hand of the producers was particularly asshole-ish this week. They really had it out for Leah especially. While Nick and Leah are on their date, as they're walking in the surf, we hear Leah say, "That last splash just got me so wet. My whole [bleep] is soaked." I'm certain Leah said "shirt" or "blouse," and not "ass" or "vagina." But that's not what the producers were implying, now was it? And all of the date cards were extreme fuck-yous. Nick gets a date card mere minutes after coming back from his date with Leah? Josh gets a date card and asks Amanda? Evan gets a date card? And then there was the weird moment when Grant and Lace were secretly having sex in the Sex Room. And after hearing some sloppy kissing sounds, the producers added in a zipper sound. I'm not sure what had a zipper on it, Grant's swimsuit or Lace's bikini. Or some other piece of clothing we couldn't see? Take it easy, producers. You're not Burning Love.
  13. Daniel
    I'm torn. Part of me likes having Daniel around, because he's such a weirdo and likely way more into the dudes than the ladies. But he's also gross and unkind, especially to the women. You know what that means: He'll come back again and again to this trainwreck!
  14. Lace
    Wears a "Tequila Por Favor" T-shirt, which is a bit on the nose. She's a raging alcoholic, even by Bachelor/ette standards. But maybe she's gotten her shit together since her relationship with Chad (a day ago) now that she's in a new relationship (humping, dry and otherwise) with Grant. Let's all hope so. Or not. Hey, either way works for this show.
  15. Evan
    That Carly describes Evan as a terrible kisser should come as no surprise to anyone. That Evan misreads his "connection" with Carly should also fail to surprise everyone. "I kissed Carly and it was like butterflies and explosions," Evan says. Ugh. There's something both pathetic and disgusting about Evan, like he's a modern-day Smeagol.
  16. Nick
    Nick goes on two dates in one day, as if he's a hot commodity. Nope. Don't get that at all. Not only is he ten years older than most of the people there, but he's the type of guy who says "100% yeah." Later, when Josh takes Amanda out, a day after Nick took her out and gave her a rose, Nick gets offended. After all, Josh is the one Andi chose instead of him in her season of The Bachelorette. "For the second time, I look pathetic." Only the second? That's a pretty generous estimate, hoss.
  17. Josh
    Josh got engaged to Andi on her season of The Bachelorette, but then it didn't work out. And then she wrote a book or something that disparaged him pretty spectacularly. Or so everyone on the show relates to one another. I don't know. The only Bachelor-related books I'm interested in reading are written by Chris Harrison. Where's that second romance novel already? Josh arrives and immediately all the women drool over him. After careful consideration, he asks Amanda out on a date, despite the fact that Nick gave her a rose the night before. This is either Josh's idea (totally believable) or the producers' idea (also believable). Amanda tells him she has two daughters, and Josh identifies, because he has a puppy. Yup. Same thing.
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