At Least One Bachelor In Paradise Deserves Love!
Many deserve other punishments, but which of them is the worst after this episode?
When the universe gifts you with two nights in a row of Bachelor In Paradise, you'd better hope that one of them is only an hour long. Luckily, that is exactly the case. As a result, a lot of our favorite terrible human beings hardly got any screentime in this episode. Instead, what we get is a whole lot of Evan, and a whole lot of Amanda and Josh making out for an entire day. Let's see where everyone ends up on the list, shall we?
For bravely listening to Evan reliving "the greatest date in the world," Vinny deserves a medal. Instead, I give him this ranking. It's the best I can offer. Somehow, Vinny remains polite throughout, which should count for something, because Evan is totes annoying.
I know I saw him in this episode. Didn't I?
Christian arrives and chooses Sarah for his date. So far, out of the two episodes I've watched, this date looks the most like an actual date. Yes, it's just ziplining and rappelling, but it beats the hell out of that hot-pepper-kiss bullshit Evan and Carly went through. Christian does nothing offensive. He's just a little deluded about the chemistry between him and Sarah. Don't worry, Christian. No one gets punished for being dumb in Paradise. It's the status quo.
During their date, Sarah's mouth keeps saying words that indicate she's into Christian, but her kisses not so much. Probably because she's kind of falling for Daniel. While trying to understand exactly what "falling for Daniel" might mean, Sarah uses the word "weird" at least a dozen times, which is about right.
Daniel shows that he's not entirely a monster. Hey, he might actually have feelings for Sarah. Wouldn't that be weird? Absolutely. It would be very weird. Because Daniel is weird. ...Damn! I'm doing it too!
Carly sucks it up and tells Evan how she really feels. At least Carly feels bad about breaking Evan's heart, because everything about the moment reminds me of Lisa Simpson stomping on Ralph Wiggum's heart. "You can see the exact moment his heart breaks…HERE." Moments later, Carly thinks she's a lock for the date with new guy Brandon, even after she watches him go for a walk with Haley the Twin. She's like, "He'll never pick Haley because she's boring." Oh, Carly. How could you not know anything about dudes at all? Of course Brandon picks Haley, thus kicking off Carly's inevitable self-pity spiral.
I'm sorry. There's no Izzy here. I believe you've dialed the wrong number.
- The Twins
Emily the Twin gets drunk on one beer. Haley the Twin goes on a date with Brandon, and then pulls the old Twin-Switcheroo with Emily to find out if Brandon really can tell the difference between them. Sad trombone! He can't! Sorry, Twins, I guess you really are interchangeable.
Hardly in the episode, but still a turd.
Appears pretty sober for most of the episode. I know, no one is more disappointed than me.
Brandon arrives and is not even remembered by Chris Harrison. Sure, Harrison is playing it up, but he's got a point. Who the F is this guy? He takes Haley on a date and brags to her that he can tell the difference between her and her sister. But then he can't really. Whoops! Not that that's so terribly incriminating. They do look a lot alike, and he hasn't spent much time with either of them.
Spends her whole time making out with Josh. The upside of that is we don't have to listen to her rationalize how what she's doing is somehow great for her kids. But the downside is endless shots of the two of them planting sloppy kisses on each other.
Nick mopes around for the whole episode, complaining about how Amanda won't stop making out with Josh. Meanwhile, he's sitting just feet away from the two of them making out. Here's a pro tip, Nick. Walk away! No one is forcing you to watch the two of them make out, at least not in the way the producers are making me watch them make out.
Please stop showing Josh's licking kisses all over Amanda's mouth and face. It's upsetting the baby Jesus. ...Mostly me. But I'm sure the baby Jesus doesn't like it either.
Evan once again describes the crowd that saw his and Carly's "hottest kiss" as being "a thousand people," which makes me wonder about how well he knows numbers. And it's sad to watch him describe how awesome he thought the date was, juxtaposed with Carly talking about the nightmare she experienced. "It was a perfect kiss," Evan says, before once again saying, "It was butterflies and explosions." Although that last line was probably just the same soundbite from last night dropped into tonight's episode to make Evan seem even worse. And now that the producers are piling on Evan, and Carly's dropping the emotional hammer, I'm feeling a little sad for Boner Smeagol. And then he crushes that little ember of compassion by getting it in his head that he should make a bold move -- with Amanda. Not a new Amanda. No, the same Amanda who hasn't taken a break from making out with Josh for the last eight hours. It's so embarrassing to watch him WRITE UP A DATE CARD TO GIVE HER. He literally walks up to a couple who are making out, and interrupts them so he can ask the lady on a date. Or at least some version of that is what'll happen next week. Oh, Boner Smeagol, you are the worst.