Ashley Finally Moves On (To An Even More Elevated Plane of Crazy) On Bachelor In Paradise
Just when Jared thinks he has slipped the Ashley I. yoke, she comes roaring back with more mayhem. How did all the other players rank this week?
Nick "like[s]" Jen, even though she has all the bounce and personality of a potted fern. Jen and Nick are planning to "spend some time alone" tonight! But as they head to the banging suite, Josh yells out that he and Amanda are using that room. Amanda, however, is passed out in a bed by herself. A tense back-and-forth between Nick and Josh ensues, which culminates the next day in an argument in which Nick calmly tells Josh he's full of shit, while Josh rants and raves about all things great and small. I hate to say this, but I kind of...like Nick now? Ugh, damn you, show. And damn you, Nick Viall and your sneaky charms!
Before the rose ceremony, Daniel attempts to court the twins (with a platter of junk food) and Izzy (with a "Canadian-made" lamp). Neither attempt works out for him -- not even the plate of fried food, which seems so wrong. Guess Daniel will be wending his strange way back across the border (and then another border). We'll miss you, weirdo.
- Evan & Carly
Evan tells Carly he's "totally falling in love with" her, and she reciprocates. At the rose ceremony, Carly shows up wearing what looks like a skating costume designed by a heroin addict, and gives her rose to Evan. They're so in love she's gone blind!!
As soon as Wells shows up in paradise, everyone immediately tries to pawn Ashley off on him. When he finally asks her out, everyone else actually cheers with relief. On their date, though, Wells tells Ashley he doesn't want to be the guy who's just here to make someone else (Jared) jealous. Ashley's like, "WHAAAT, NOOO." She adds that she's "really excited to like someone else!" Anyone else will do! Wells, to his credit, identifies the giant red flag that is Ashley I.'s entire being and stays well away for the rest of the episode.
Jami -- who wins awards for spelling her name the stupidest way ever -- arrives and is greeted by Wells because the rest of the cast is...somewhere else? Dead, maybe? Whatever, doesn't matter. Jami asks Wells out and he accepts. Jami's goal is to leave the date with Wells "being a new couple." On the date, Jami says stuff like "This, is like, my first time in Mexico with this, like, amazing guy." Wells, who may be hard of hearing, likes Jami! He is especially impressed by the fact that Jami has a Batman tattoo on her finger (and, clearly, great judgment), and they make out. Hooray.
Grant valiantly tries to convince Lace that the reason she's pushing him away is because she's "scared," rather than because she just doesn't like him, which seems like the actual thing that's happening. After their tiff, Grant apologizes, and Lace gives him a half-assed apology back, which he eats up like a starving dog thrown some taco lettuce. He explains, "If I have to put in a little more work right now than she does, I'm okay with it, because I feel like she's worth it." Is she, Grant? IS SHE WORTH IT?
Lace has the nerve to flirt with Carl, right in front of Grant. Grant storms off and then pulls Lace aside to ask her why she's all up in Carl's metaphorical grill, but Lace is having none of it. She tells him to get out of her face and wishes him luck in "finding love with someone else." As soon as Grant jogs away, though, Lace collapses into tears. Ugh, who cares. The next day, Lace gives Grant a bullshit speech about how she DOES like him after all. She thinks it's "freaky" how Grant "complement[s] [her] so well without [her] even realizing it!"
- The Twins
After a confab with Nick, the twins agree to "confront" Amanda with their concerns about Josh's terrible personality. But first, at the rose ceremony, they tearfully explain that because they haven't found "love," they won't be handing out their roses. (This means, by the by, that Ryan, Carl, and Daniel are all headed home. Oh no.) The twins then tell Amanda they think Josh's intentions aren't "pure," and that he's using Amanda -- to whom they erroneously refer as "America's sweetheart" -- to rehab his image. They advise Amanda to ask Josh directly about his intentions, because THAT'LL DEFINITELY WORK.
Jared, spineless as ever, gives Ashley a wishy-washy speech about how he's "more into Caila." Ashley blubbers that she's having a "super-hard time with [him] being with someone else." NO DUH. Jared replies that he thinks Ashley is struggling so much because she's "not finding a connection here." That, and she's actually, legitimately crazy, bro, and you should probably sleep with one eye FIRMLY open while this chick is within poisoning range of you, but, yeah, what you said, too.
- Ashley I.
Ashley I. -- who, as usual, has learned nothing and grown not at all -- is still crying about Jared, and about how her dog died recently, and how the deceased dog's spirit "is going to help [her] on this journey." Some dogs do go to Hell, I guess? But then, salvation arrives in the form of Wells, guy who was somewhat cute and funny on The Bachelorette and will inevitably zap any goodwill he may have earned on that show by consorting with Ashley here in paradise. Sure enough, Wells asks Ashley to dinner, and mid-meal, a producer-planted dog shows up. Gasp! After the dog is lured back off-set by Production (probably to be put out of its misery after having to serve as a beacon of symbolic hope for the likes of Ashley I.), Wells and Ashley make out at the dinner table. Later, they write wishes to send up to the sky in "fire lanterns." Pretty sure this bullshit wishes-in-lanterns tradition that is so ubiquitous in The Bachelor universe is native to zero places in the world and means nothing to anyone, but whatever: SYMBOLIC. Ashley and Wells send their stupid wish into the sky and the lantern, satisfyingly, immediately catches fire and rains down fire and ash on the people watching below. Seems about right.
The next day, Nick has to break the news to Ashley that Wells is going out with Jami and Ashley seems weirdly okay with it. But it turns out, she doesn't care about Wells because she never actually gave up on Jared. She's still convinced she's Jared's "main chick," and she sits down Caila to let her know. She gives Caila permission to hold hands with Jared in front of her, but forbids her from "full-on mak[ing] out" with him. Then, in the next breath, she claims she's not jealous anymore. By the end of this conversation, Caila is in tears and has decided she's going to leave Paradise. No, Caila! If you leave, the terrorists win!
Walking lizard brain Amanda is SHOCKED when it is brought to her attention, for approximately the millionth time, that Josh may, in fact, be a ragey douche. She confronts him and he gets mad, thus proving everyone's point. Nonetheless, Amanda tells Josh she trusts him and knows the stuff that everyone has told her about him is not true. Amanda thinks she's a "good judge of character," despite the fact that she has two children with someone she claims to despise.
Josh continues to excrete insincerity (and pizza juice). This episode, though, his facade cracks just enough to let his scary temper show through. First, he wakes Amanda up from a dead sleep so that she will join him in the boning suite (and thus prevent Nick and Jen from using it). When she doesn't immediately spring out of bed, he snaps, "Good talk," and storms out. The next day, though, he gives Amanda a gooey speech about how special she is "on the inside" (ahem). Then he adds that he's "falling in love with" her. Ick.
Things start to get dark for Josh after the twins bring their "concerns" about him to Amanda. When Amanda confronts him with the twins' accusations, he gets really mad. Flailing for a deflection, he brings up the fact that he's been dealing with a lot lately: his dog has been "battling cancer" for six months. (This episode is setting records for numbers of dogs being exploited). Josh then calls the entire cast onto the (sand) carpet and starts yelling about being accused of being fake and how this is "disrespectful." He stares crazy-eyed at Nick until Nick responds and they get into an argument. But in the end, none of Josh's boorish, rageaholic behavior has any negative consequences for him, since Amanda, certifiable dumbass, decides to stand by her man.