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Ask Any Given Wednesday's Incensed Ben Affleck

The Oscar-winner and Tom Brady defender answers your sports questions. ANGRILY.

Q Dear Incensed Ben Affleck,
This isn't a popular opinion, but I really feel that Pete Rose should be in baseball's Hall Of Fame. Yeah, as a human being he has a lot of fails to his credit -- but he also has more hits than anyone else in baseball history, and it isn't a Hall Of Boy Scouts, after all. Do you agree that "The Hit King" deserves a plaque in Cooperstown, maybe sporting a large bronze asterisk? Or is Rose's gambling on games the ultimate disqualifier?
Frank
A Dear Frank,
The guy who has MORE HITS THAN ANYONE is not in baseball's FUCKING Hall Of Fame. It's so fucking stupid! It's the ultimate bullshit fucking outrage, is what it is -- Charlie Hustle isn't in Cooperstown?! When guys like Tris Speaker are in Cooperstown? TY FUCKING COBB?! You'd think with all the goddamn hoop-dee-hoy about fucking steroids, maybe people would get some fucking perspective on Pete Rose's so-called crimes against baseball, and by the way, why are a bunch of fucking WRITERS voting on this shit anyway? Writers don't fucking PLAY; writers don't fucking KNOW ANYTHING! There would BE no fucking MLB without Pete Rose. Tell 'em, Pete! Tell 'em "FUCK you"!!
Q Dear Incensed Ben Affleck,
I'm having trouble getting excited about Wimbledon this year; two of my favorites -- Nadal and Sharapova -- aren't playing. Any storylines you're interested in as we head into "the British Open"?
Darlene
A Dear Darlene,
Sharapovagate. It's like Macbeth! The length of Maria's suspension under the circumstances is SO FUCKING STUPID, I don't know where to fucking begin -- she has the hardest job in tennis, but she alters her blood contents by eight percent, EIGHT PERCENT, and boom, SHE'S GONE FOR TWO YEARS. I can't tell you how glad I am that she's fucking fighting to get that bullshit fucking outrage of a suspension overturned, so we can watch her play in Rio and tell the ITF, "FUCK you!"

...Jo Konta. Everyone dies in the end.

Q Dear Incensed Ben Affleck,
I'm a huge Carolina fan, so while everyone else is focused on the Ben Simmons/Malachi Richardson who-goes-first question and what the Lakers have planned, I'm all about where Brice Johnson and Marcus Paige land. What do you think of the consensus prediction that Bricey ends up on the Celtics with Zeller? And is Paige ranked too high given his injuries?
G.O. Heels
A Dear G.,
You know who would never complain about his draft ranking? Marcus Paige, because Marcus Paige is so classy, SUCH A FUCKING GENTLEMAN that he would never blame bum legs for his draft placement -- but after last season's fucking brilliant championship game, for the so-called fucking experts to list three-point consistency as an issue for Paige is the ultimate bullshit fucking outrage. He has the hardest job in the NCAA, for fuck's sake! TELL 'EM, MARCUS! TELL 'EM FUCK YOU, I'M A FUCKING NBA POINT GUARD, you FUCKS! FUCKING SHIT FUCK!!!1
Ben Affleck is a real person who felt real rage about Tom Brady and Deflategate, but this column and all opinions therein are fictional. But I do kind of want to know how he feels about Bricey on the Celtics.
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