'Best Boyfriend Ever, Right?'
"So Gaby and I were coming up on our first anniversary of dating. This might surprise you, but this is the longest relationship I've ever had, so I wanted to make it really special for Gaby so she knows how much I appreciate her. All of my friends -- or I guess I should say 'both of my friends,' Randy and Jerry -- when they met her, they were like, 'Holy shit, dude, you hit the jackpot, like she is way out of your league.' And I was like, 'Why? She has a lot of dumb tattoos, I have a lot of dumb tattoos, so aren't we in the same league?' And they were like, 'Brett, dude, she is really pretty,' and I was like, 'But I'm good-looking, too!' And they were like, 'Welllllllllll,' and I was like, 'But grading on a curve, though -- like compared to other guys with chest tattoos and gauges and stuff?' And they were like, 'No, dude.' And I was like, 'Oh shit. I better lock this shit down,' and they were like, 'Yeah. You should.'
"I knew Gaby wanted to get her one donut tattoo covered up because it looks like a poop, as she puts it, and we thought we could do it on our anniversary and I would keep her company and stuff, and for a second I thought, 'I should totally pay for it, that would be a nice gesture,' but then I called up and found out how much it was going to cost to get this world-class tattoo artist to do a cover-up and I was like, 'Shit, I don't have that kind of money, I work at a friggin' used CD store. Part-time!'
"Sometime after that, the TLC show got involved, so I was like, 'Okay, I can give Gaby some kind of other kind of present -- something affordable, I wouldn't say cheap -- and if I give it to her on camera I will look so good!' Girls watching will be like, 'I wish my boyfriend was as cool and thoughtful as Brett!' Not that I'm trying to line up another girl for after Gaby or anything, but hey, you never know!
"So Gaby's in the middle of getting her cover-up done and I'm like, 'I'll be right back,' and I go out to the bodega on the corner and I look around for something cool that I can give her. Aerosol air freshener? Girls like things to smell good, right, like rooms? Nah. Paper plates? 'Cause she always does the dishes and this would give her a break sometimes? No. Then I saw that lollipop and it looked so much like her tattoo I was like, 'Yes.'
"And then I thought, okay, I have to wrap it. And I ask the bodega guy if he has anything I could use to wrap it up nice like a present. He was like, 'Wrapping paper and tape are over there,' and I was like, 'Do you just have anything behind the counter that you were going to throw out but I could take it instead?' And he was like, 'There's a Metro and a box,' and I was like, 'Perfect.' And he was like, 'This is for your girlfriend?' And I was like, 'Yeah, why?' And he was like, 'Nothing, she's lucky.' And I was like, 'Thanks, bro!' And he had some painter's tape in a drawer so I used that too and wrapped it up real quick.
"And then I went and gave it to Gaby. But to make sure it would get on camera, I gave it to her while she was in the middle of getting her cover-up done and she couldn't really use both her hands, so I said I would open it for her and I did and gave her the lollipop and she was like, 'Thanks.'
"You thought it was going to be what? An engagement ring? Why, because I made such a production of it? OH SHIT, do you think that's what SHE thought?!
"Shit, bro. I thought I was so slick. This could be real bad."
What did you think?