Screens: The CW

Booch, Tooch, And Pooch!

The contestants pose with dogs that look just like them but are better models.

This season of America’s Next Top Model really exposes how hard it must be to be a reality-show casting director. On one hand you want a diverse group of misfit toys that make good TV together, but on the other hand everyone has to be basically on the same wavelength of talent as each other in order to make compelling TV. It is always such a bummer to have a contestant that is so clearly miles ahead of the others because then the whole season is just running out the clock until they finally get crowned winner three months later. Look at the Sharon Needles season of RuPaul’s Drag Race or the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol. Both of those winners were charismatic enough to mask the fact that their seasons were relatively boring. Nyle, every gay man in America’s future husband, is such a contestant. His talent and charm is so much greater than everyone else’s that it is kind of a joke. Lacey is the closest true threat, but she’s going to have to grow chest hair and get OPPO tattooed on her forehead to be able to catch up.

All reality shows, please stop letting eliminated contestants return to the competition. The point during the season when most shows bring them back is also usually the first week I finally get everyone’s name right. Adding not only old faces but old names just makes my head hurt and undoes weeks of flash-card training. Also, 99% of the time they were eliminated for a reason. Kristen from Top Chef is the exception to the rule, and she was only eliminated to give Last Chance Kitchen a reason to exist. I say all this mostly because I do not want Bello to come back on my TV ever again in my lifetime.

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Hadassah is beginning to make a strong case for herself as a possible finalist, especially during her strong showing during the go-sees. She used her pageant background incredibly wisely, going to swimsuit and gown clients first, not just because she’s used to showing off her body best in those garments but also because she knew Courtney would look terrible compared to her. If they had time to go to L.A.'s top sash-and-crown boutique, you know Hadassah would have gotten four out of four. Everyone else did okay, I think? Go-sees are kind of confusing and I have never understood their purpose but then again I am not a model. They are this show’s Snatch Game/Unconventional Materials Challenge/Restaurant Wars, so who am I to challenge convention?

Speaking of not breaking convention, let’s rank these bitches of both human and canine variety.

  1. The eliminated returning models
    All of the returning models reminded us very quickly why they were eliminated in the first place. Special shout-out to Bello for quietly exiting after spending 120% of the episode plotting his revenge once he returned.
  2. Mikey
    2015-10-03-antm-mikey

    "Hey baby wanna come over and go to town on each other’s black clothes with the lint rollers?"

  3. Devin
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, but because it's actually kind of funny. This is the first episode where I didn't completely hate Devin, though he'll always be carrying some residual dickness from when he stole Nyle's phone for selfies.

    Screens: The CW

    Screens: The CW

  4. Mamé
    2015-10-03-antm-mame

    Yes, Mamé is strangling a Doberman. Maybe that insane pose paired with the cat ears symbolizes the superiority of cats over dogs. Or most likely Yu Tsai kept screaming "YOU SHOULD BE STRANGLING THE DOG! MAMÉ WHY AREN'T YOU STRANGLING THE DOG?! YOU NOT STRANGLING THE DOG IS MAKING MY EYES ROLL BACK IN MY HEAD AND NOW I CAN SEE MY BRAIN!" or some dumb shit that he always says.

  5. Justin 2015-10-03-antm-justin

    The dog is selling ASPCA, Justin is selling one of those sexy Carl's Jr. ads.

  6. Hadassah 2015-10-03-antm-hadassah

    Oh, look. Another profile shot of Hadassah. She's an incredible profile model, but unless she can Pablo Picasso her way down a runway, she's going to have to show more than just her incredible cheekbones.

  7. Lacey
    One of my favorite conspiracy theories is the "Philadelphia Experiment": in an effort to create a ship that could turn invisible, the Navy accidentally created teleportation, and allegedly some of the sailors ended up fused to the ship.

    2015-10-03-antm-lacey

    Now imagine instead of ships and sailors the navy used luxury dogs and female models with incredible bone structure.

  8. Dustin
    When I see hot guys on my Instagram or Tumblr feed, my first reaction never involves being turned on or any slight variation of that. I usually just angrily yell "shut up" like I just lost an argument.

    2015-10-03-antm-dustin

    "SHUT UP DUSTIN!"

  9. Nyle 2015-10-03-antm-nyle

    Shut the fuck up, Nyle. Just shut up.

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