American Idol Takes A Nap
In which all twelve performances are rather dull covers of rather dull songs.
Maybe it has something to do with the ever-present blue stage lights, but everyone in the second half of the Top 24 just delivers the zzzzz's, even as they fight for a place in the Top 14. (Why 14? No one knows! These Farewell eliminations are a mystery.) To give credit where it's due, Amelia Eisenhauer does deliver the first slow-jammed version of Avicii that I've ever heard, but she does it off-pitch, so zero points to Ravenclaw. Stick around for the next half of the showcase, when even more Idol alums are dug up from under the Billboard chart for random appearances!
Honestly, Ryan's decision to wear stark white high-tops is 100% commendable; this show is ending, he doesn't need any job offers, and we've spent the better part of fourteen years coming to terms with the fact that the dude's part-hobbit. Why shouldn't he prioritize comfort?
Ummmm, did these kids not get the memo that they're supposed to be singing for their lives? 'Cause they kind of are, yet everyone seems to be under the impression that it's cool for them to just show up and give it the ol' college try. Granted, we're in a day and age where anyone/thing can have fans on YouTube, but shouldn't national primetime demand more than feebly reworked versions of contemporary standards by recently deceased icons?
Gotta Be Smoking Something
This one goes out to: (a) Shelbie Z, for saying that she likes "shootin'" her guns, but also that she's afraid of wet paper/spitballs, as though that's not a story just waiting to be reported by AP Oddities; (b) Jenn Blosil, for wearing mustard yellow overalls with a mustard yellow patterned shirt as though she were a poorer man's Hannah Horvath; and (c) Olivia Rox, for not realizing her whole "rocker" take on Top 10 pop songs shtick has been done before, by Jax, who lost.
Surprising High Notes
Trent Harmon's vocal rasp actually sounds natural! Sometimes -- especially on nights where the musicality is lacking -- it's the little things that make the difference, and his choice to go with the lesser-known "What Are You Listening To" works out in his favor; the song is melodic enough for the audience/viewer to pick up on after the first chorus, and the lyrics are blunt enough to make instant fans of anyone listening. Good thing someone ate his Wheaties before meeting with Ricky Minor this week.
CJ Johnson has so much going for him -- well-fitted Henley, tattoos, that one Edwin McCain song we all know -- until he lifts his arm up and there's a huge sweat stain under his armpit. Womp womp.
Believe it or not, Dylan, but we really don't need to know what it would sound like if Avril Lavigne recorded an off-pitch, emo version of "Rebel Yell."
Even Keith and Harry can't handle how hot La Lopez looks in this white and black dress. Her skin's so glowy that it can probably perform miracles.
Unanswered Mysteries Of A Shallow Kind
Dalton Rapattoni is what Aaron Carter would have looked like if it hadn't been for the drugs, right?