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Reason Blood. Guts. Grossness.

Gentleladies, to evil! Photo: Michele K. Short / FX

American Horror Story

Like The Man Says, Bitches Stick Together

As long as Fiona and Marie are working together, is there anything they can't do?

  • Flashback

    You Never Forget Your First Sadistic Torture Of A Slave

    Can you believe there was ever a time when Madame thought she was going to hate living in New Orleans, because living among slaves was going to enfeeble her mind? "Fortunately," she soon discovered that she had a lust for blood, and that she could satisfy it by finding the most hideously grotesque methods of abusing, humiliating, mutilating, and killing the slaves who had the bad luck to have been purchased by her family, and thus, she found happiness after all.

    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

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  • Dialogue
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    Nan Overboard

    And so it is with great sadness we must say goodbye to Nan, who fell in the tub.
    Amen.
  • That Happened
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    Welcome Back (?)

    So not only didn't Queenie die when Hank shot her, but she survived to put Madame back together — and with no scars at all (unlike Frankenkyle), something she never used to be able to do before, as far as anyone knew. So with Misty officially having twirled back to the Everglades, according to Madison, and with Madison having triumphed over her heart murmur, now we're back to two potential new Supremes again — three, I guess, if you also count Zoe, not that she's done anything especially cool lately to warrant having her name in the mix. Anyway, Queenie's not happy to see the Salem descendants having moved on from mourning her so quickly, I guess, nor to see the Voodoo Queen pretending she's glad Queenie survived. And Madame isn't thrilled that Marie told Queenie to throw her head in the garbage. And yet the way for everyone to get over their animosity is for them all to live together again, in resentment and bitterness? Shut up, Queenie, you should've stayed dead.

  • Bad Habits
    Screens: FX

    Screens: FX

    Back In The Revolting Saddle

    Queenie has come back to Miss Robichaux's in case she actually is the new Supreme: fine. But she brought Madame back to be a servant again why? What happened to Madame's conversion into a decent head of a person after being exposed to speeches and film from the civil rights era? No idea. Madame is back to being a maid, and a bitch, and she's pissed off about it: she's mad that Zoe, Madison, and Frankenkyle are a throuple; she's mad that Madison expects her to flush Madison's shit down the toilet; she's mad that Marie is still planning to dismember her and has no compunction talking about it in front of the baby; and she's definitely mad that Fiona goes out every night without underpants. But just as she's seemingly despairing of her lot, in comes James, the gardener, with a bloody hand, having cut himself with shears. And just like that, she has a reason to live again: torturing black people! Sorry: satisfying her scientific curiosity about African-American physiology. According to her.

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    Sorry about your toe, James. Does it help if I say there will come a time, very soon, when you become nostalgic for that particular pain? Probably not.

  • Fight! Fight! Fight!
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    Madison vs. Everybody

    After interrupting Zoe just as Zoe does a spell that proves to her that Fiona and Marie both killed Nan, Madison gets shitty, complaining that Zoe wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with Frankenkyle. Zoe claims she isn't, and Madison decides to call her bluff by making to blow him. When Frankenkyle pushes her away, Madison goes nuts and starts magically throwing shit around the room, including a lamp, at Zoe's head. At this point, Myrtle enters and reads Madison's beads, to wit: "You are the worst kind of Hollywood cliché: a bubblehead with crotchless panties." "And you're a dried up old Hot Pocket," Madison shoots back. "But I don't judge." Madison ends the matter, for now, by announcing that when she's the Supreme, she's going to take the coven out of the Dark Ages, and adding that even though she had fun putting Frankenkyle together, she's also going to enjoy taking him apart. But she can't! He's the family dog!!!

    Winner: Madison gets the last word, but Myrtle is the overall winner for that sick burn about Madison's panties.

  • Alert!
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    Sick Game Recognize Sick Game

    Alert Type: Ghost Alert.

    Issue: Spalding's a ghost now, and he's haunting his old room in the attic, where Madame tortured, disemboweled, and finally killed James. And he likes what he sees! He wants to help her, because he's not cool with Salem descendants (of which he is one, remember) mixing with voodoo practitioners. He promises to give her a magic potion that will temporarily suspend Marie's immortality...

    Complicating Factors: ...if Madame gets something for him — something expensive.

    Resolution: Madame successfully acquires Spalding's item: some super-old, super-rare baby doll. And he, as promised, gives her tablets to dissolve in Marie's drink: Benadryl! But Madame mustn't even speak its name out loud!

    Spoiler: Benadryl is not actually a voodoo antidote.

  • Hell No!
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    None Hail The Queen

    Queenie's mean as hell to Cordelia, somehow blaming her for Hank's shooting rampage and calling her weak. She also reveals that she survived getting shot by one of Hank's silver bullets (which is not supposed to happen). Go (back) to hell, Queenie, no one missed you.

  • Hell No!

    And If Both Thy Eyes Offend Thee...

    SURELY THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY FOR CORDELIA TO RECOVER "THE SIGHT"!

    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

  • Meeting Time
    Screen: FX

    Screen: FX

    Orlando Magic

    Who called the meeting? Myrtle.

    What's it about? She's concerned about Zoe and Frankenkyle's safety as long as they're near Madison, and she has tickets for them to flee to Orlando together.

    How'd it go? It starts out pretty typical, with Myrtle rocking her theremin and reminiscing about how she didn't mind losing her great love — Egon Von Furstenberg — to the woman who would become his wife: "He went on to marry the divine Diane, and without Egon's support, Diane Von Furstenberg never would have created the greatest invention of the century: the wrap dress!" But then Zoe starts protesting that she can handle Madison and that Frankenkyle is "damaged goods," and Myrtle has to slap her. This knocks some sense into Zoe, and she takes the tickets and hugs Myrtle. So, good meeting...or so it seems for now? You seriously never know where shit's going to go, and maybe it's starting to seem like Myrtle is too nice?

  • Snapshot
    Screens: FX

    Screens: FX

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  • Here's An Idea
    Screen: FX

    Screens: FX

    Don't Pick A Fight With Witches If You're A Mortal Without Any Supernatural Powers

    I know it's hard, when you're an old white guy from old money, to believe that if you set up a meeting with a couple of ladies, you're going to be able to get your way and make them give back all your money — even if the way they made you lose all your money is through actual magic. They're going to be so easy to dominate — they didn't even bring security! Right? That's how it's going to go down? Except it's not. Don't pick a fight with witches, because even if you have your eye on them the whole time and don't see them doing any spells on you, maybe they have access to a friendly ghost whose favourite thing to do is kill people with axes. And then, when only the oldest, whitest one of you is left, when your dead son's mother-in-law gets to finish you off and doesn't even bother using magic to do it...

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    ...well, you're going to feel quite the fool. And realize, too late, that you wish you hadn't been so fond of mansplaining.

  • Wrap It Up
    Photo: Michele K. Short / FX

    Photo: Michele K. Short / FX

    Fiona and Marie toast to their success!

    Screens: FX

    Screens: FX

    Then, because she thinks she knocked out Marie with Spalding's magic tablets, she takes advantage of Marie's momentary mortality to stab Marie in the chest!

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    Marie doesn't die (of course), but when she chases after Madame with the knife, Spalding knocks out Marie and she falls down the stairs. Spalding admits the trick ("Well, turds on that" — Madame), and tells Madame to just bury her. Madame snorts that Marie will just dig her way out. Spalding: "Make sure she can't."

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    Later, Spalding puts on his dolly drag and celebrates having "a living doll, all [his] own"!

    Photo: Michele K. Short / FX

    Photo: Michele K. Short / FX

    Though Frankenkyle is not crazy about running away with Zoe on the grounds that he's scared he'll hurt her, eventually she convinces him...

    Screens: FX

    Screens: FX

    ...and they get on the bus to Orlando and everything's going to be great forever!

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    Right?

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