Ray Mickshaw / FX

American Crime Story

American Crime Story's 'Frump Incarnate' Seeks (Dance) Partner

If the scripted Marcia Clark had a made-up dating profile, it would probably look something like this.

Name: Marcia Clark, née Kleks.
Age: Early 40s.
Occupation: Prosecutor; murderer of goodwill towards perms.
Height: 5' 5".
Weight: 125.
Location: Los Angeles.
Education: BA, UCLA; JD, Southwestern University.
Seeking: Kid-friendly post-feminist gent.
For: Late-night-prep tequila shots; Isley Brothers dance breaks; emotional support when the relentless male-gazing of the press gets me down.
About Me: Why is it about me?! Who cares about my hair? What gives that smug cock editor the right to call me "Rick James"? Why can't anyone focus on the issues here; why isn't it as plain to everyone else as it is to me that the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, murdered Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown? Fuhrman is irrelevant, don't you all see that? What about the evidence?! Where are my cigarettes?

...Right, right, sorry. I love the law, I love my boys, and I love to relax. I think? I haven't relaxed since the Reagan administration; I have shit to do, people, and maybe you should think about whether you would advise a man to relax. Well, spoiler: you wouldn't, and you wouldn't decide he's a "bitch" because he can see through the horseshit smoke-screen Mr. Simpson's defense team is putting up, and won't pretend otherwise. I'm supposed to act deferential weak-kneed over a washed-up football player?

...God, sorry. I...like reading crime novels? Also tequila. And smoking.

About You: You're tall, a good dancer, and not put off by my intensity...or my previously suspect taste in husbands, one of whom has the temerity to petition the court for sole custody when I'm only working these long hours so that our children can eat and have new clothes, but I guess a mother's only place is in the home according to his antediluvian worldview. Not that he has aaaaaany problem cashing the spousal-support checks, that bum.

...Too much, I guess. Well, offering to go halfsies on the babysitting is a real turn-on. Ha...ha? I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a huge trial and writing this profile on two hours' sleep was probably a mistake.

In Relationships, I... Have a tendency to put work first, and I will work on that, I swear to God, just as soon as I put this abusive scumbag behind bars forever. When I'm not working, I like to go to the beach, but if you're going to take my picture, I'm going to need the negatives, not negotiable.
On Our First Date, We'd... Dance around my office to classic soul; have a meep-and-deaningful in my office, surrounded by stacks of paperwork and a bottle of scotch; or you'd comfort me while I sobbed about the potshots the tabloids are taking at my appearance while opposing counsel mocks my child-care situation and grocery-store clerks pass sexist comments when I try to buy tampons. Needless to say, this sobbing will take place...in my office. Hey, do you know anything about DNA testing?
Contact Me If... You are not a goddamn sexist, have never interviewed goddamn Mark goddamn Fuhrman for a goddamn screenplay project, and curate an extensive ashtray collection.
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