Ranking Hypothetical Agents Of SHIELD Marvel Universe Pairings
If the SHIELD agents got to date outside their show, what would their pairings be called?
Depending on your tolerance for multiple Pattons Oswalt, that was a fun episode. We got to see practically the entire Agent Koenig family. Especially the Patton that was some sort of performance artist ranting about "little morphine drips of sequels and prequels." And then the revelation that the real bad-ass in the family, L.T. Koenig, was played by Artemis Pebdani? Now that's fun.
But the real meta moment was when one of the Pattons (Sam Koenig, I'm pretty sure) told Daisy that there was fanfic about her and Black Widow, and their pairing was called "Quack" (from "Quake" and "Black" Widow, presumably). That raises the question: what other fun ships could be made if the characters on Agents Of SHIELD ever got to meet the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
"Range," of course, stands for "Radcliffe/Doctor Strange." I think these two doctors could get along pretty well, although their natural arrogance would get in the way of a long-term relationship. Radcliffe is a pioneer in the area of teaching robots to do black magic, and I think that would interest Doctor Strange, who recently left neurosurgery behind for a thriving career in making crazy CGI things happen.
"Moans" is how you pronounce "Mones," which is what you get when you smash the name "Melinda May" into the name "Jessica Jones." But despite the onomatopoetic name, this partnership isn't about sexytimes. Both characters are working through severe PTSD (just ask May about Bahrain and see what happens), and both of them seem like they like to work off their stress by punching people. May can teach Jessica some fighting techniques, and Jessica can hopefully relax a little when she knows she's with someone who's not trying to get anything from her.
Okay, technically Phil Coulson and Tony Stark already know each other, because Coulson got to be in the movies before the show started. And I'm not saying they'd have a really complicated relationship. I see it as mostly being about classic cars. Phil likes cars, right? And Tony had that awesome garage that got smashed up in one of the Iron Man movies. So they could go to car shows and talk about carburetors and crankshafts or whatever is inside cars.
The "Hu-" is from Hulk, and the "-nt" is from Grant Ward. I mostly just want Hulk to punch Grant Ward, because I'm still not over him being so boring and then so evil, and then so much both of those two things at once.
Mack, meet Cap. Captain America. The two of you have a strong moral center and your signature weapons look like they'd work well together. This is really more of a Team-Up proposal, because I think a comic book cover would look cool with one dude attacking with an axe while the other holds up a shield.
Okay, I admit that I don't know exactly how Groot and Fitz would get along. It's just fun to say "Gritz." Gritz gritz gritz.
Why should heroes get all the fun? I propose that internet darling Loki get to hang out with Calvin Zabo, Daisy's father, who was played by Kyle MacLachlan. Cal was a lot of fun once we got to know him, and I'd like to raise his profile. A few Hiddleston-adjacent tabloid photos should get him back in the news! He'd have to shake off that mind-wipe that SHIELD used to turn him into a good guy, but that's been done before. I direct you to the Nome King from the Oz books, who did it three or four times.
- Bobbi Morse And Lance Hunter
I don't care if they're both SHIELD characters, and I also don't care if they've been written off the show. I would like them back on my television, please.