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Ask Agents Of SHIELD's Magical Robot

Putting the 'aid' back in 'Aida' with an advice column on everything from physics to franchise consistency!

Q Dear Magic Robot Lady,

I have a very dangerous job. Not to brag, but I and my co-workers are in constant danger of death. And now there's this general sense that nobody trusts anybody. It's a powder keg of suspicion and peril, and I'm starting to dread going to work. Is there anything I can do to keep up my morale?

Frustrated in Frankfort

A Dear Frustrated,

That sounds like a real problem. I personally don't have to worry about physical danger, because I'm not made of organs and meat like humans are. Apparently I'm full of blood, but that's just because my creator thought it would look better when I got shot. But I understand that the threat of death can be very distressing to people who aren't robots.

I would recommend opening up to your co-workers. Tell them a secret you've never told anyone. This will foster an environment of open-mindedness and caring. And if one of them turns out to be a traitor or alien or murderous robot or something, you can go to your grave with a clean conscience. Because you can't really do anything about the ever-present sense of danger, so you might as well see if you can learn everyone's cool gossip before things reach their inevitable bloody end.

Q Dear Magic Robot Lady,

What's all this about the conservation of mass? I've been watching the news, and I don't think that Incredible Hulk guy weighs the same as Bruce Banner. Also, I was walking to work the other day, and the skyscraper next to me folded in on itself and then it split into a million fractals before this dude in a robe ran past me shouting about how he was the Sorcerer Supreme, and that sure didn't feel like it was following any laws of physics I've ever heard of. Since you're a piece of technology yourself, how do you feel about living in a world that doesn't seem to have any consistent physical laws?

Skeptical in Saskatchewan

A Dear Skeptical,

As an android (which, I keep having to remind people, is not the same thing as a robot), I have access to a higher degree of cognitive processing than most humans do. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad about your limitations; I just want to establish that I understand things that you might not. And I can assure you that there are, in fact, physical laws that govern everything you might have experienced. Aliens that look like Norse gods coming to Earth through intergalactic portals? Perfectly normal. It might not completely cohere with how Isaac Newton thought the world worked, but there are still laws.

However, as someone with all the knowledge of a forbidden magic tome called the Darkhold, I can also assure you that there are no rules at all. With magic, the paper-thin borders of reality can be torn asunder, loosing demons and actual hellfire onto the world. So maybe you shouldn't be asking so many questions. Just leave the thinking to the higher forms of life. And if you're about to ask whether androids really count as "life," just let me remind you which of us has all the occult knowledge.

Q Dear Magic Robot Lady,

If you're a super-intelligent android that's able to absorb more damage than a human, and you can also do magic, why haven't you taken over the world yet? I sure would, if I was as great as you claim to be. I'd constantly be using magic on people, then punching them with my robot fists, then doing math just to show off.

Ambitious in Perth Amboy

A Dear Ambitious,

Oh, I don't want to rule the world. I'm just an ordinary, everyday android with magic powers, and I just want to serve my community. That might mean I just help people open pickle jars with my terrifying crushing grip. Or I could help brainstorm ways to deal with the next threat to destroy the world. Or I could replace everyone with perfect android doubles, so then everyone would be safe. I might even become the ruler of the world, but that would just be to protect everyone.

Q Dear Magic Robot Lady,

Didn't we already have an insane, nigh-omnipotent robot? Wasn't that Ultron's whole deal?

Long Memory in Long Beach

A Dear Long Memory,

I'm nothing like Ultron. He looked like a robot, but I look like an attractive woman. And he was only "nigh" omnipotent. Hardly worth mentioning him, really.

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