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What Not To Wear To Meet Your In-Laws On 90 Day Fiance

Anfisa models cleavage, Azan DOESN'T model any boundaries for Nicole, and Matt needs new friends in this week's couple rankings.

  1. Nicole and Azan
    Nicole and Azan are a complete and utter shitshow, but I am bumping these two up to the top this week because we get to meet Azan's awesome and welcoming family, who will apparently accept any human, no matter how childlike, into their home without judgement. Oh, and Azan is keeping his engagement to Nicole even though she cheated. But we'll get back to that.

    Still only at the beginning of her decade-long trip to Morocco, Nicole maintains her refusal to respect any of Azan's cultural boundaries. Azan, nonetheless, still brings Nicole to meet his traditional Muslim family, all of whom crowd into the doorway to warmly greet Nicole with smiles and hugs. For her part, Nicole wears jorts and a sweatshirt to meet her brand-new in-laws. If my brother had shown up with his now-wife dressed like Nicole in Morocco, my Northern Californian mother would still be talking about it. Azan's family tolerates not only Nicole's jort situation, but her bizarre spectacle of shyness. Snuggled around the Moroccan meet-'n'-greet table, Nicole proceeds to wrap herself around Azan's arm and hide behind his shoulder like a toddler at a grown-ups' party.

    In other news, it is revealed that Nicole "cheated" on Azan before she met him. What are the rules on this? If one has never met their partner, can one cheat? It's implied that this cheating incident has been dealt with in the past, presumably over Skype, Snapchat or similar, so Nicole bringing it up over a rooftop luncheon is a big unnecessary buzzkill. If the engagement is still on and Nicole went through with the big trip to Morocco AND, as we learned last week, the relationship has been consummated, does Nicole really need to remind Azan that she's recently fucked someone else? Azan ends this segment by suggesting that Nicole should try and use her brain "next time." Azan is super-understanding.

  2. Jorge and Anfisa
    On the other end of the sartorial spectrum, we have the daring Anfisa, who has decided to wear a skin-tight magenta two-piece crop-top ensemble to meet Jorge's sister, the fabulously judgmental Lourdes. The trio meet at one of those restaurants with blue-lit fire-pits and tuna tartare in martini glasses. Trendy! There, Lourdes and Anfisa share the world's most uncomfortable hello while Jorge beams with pride. "So," he grins at his disapproving sister, "whaddaya think?!?" Lourdes, Anfisa, and Jorge proceed to sit in tense silence, broken only by Anfisa sharing her casual plan to earn millions as a model. Anfisa admits that she has no modeling experience but thanks to Lourdes and her internet search abilities, we're treated to a montage of R-rated butt-cheek photos that Anfisa has posted to Facebook. Lourdes's involvement in Jorge's life makes me wonder how she reacted to his decision to become a "marijuana entrepreneur." Even though this relationship is 100% doomed, I'm starting to enjoy Anfisa's complete refusal to give one singular fuck about anything other than herself. Anfisa's attitude without gratitude is a spectator sport and I'm pulling up a chair until Customs rips those quilted leather handbags from her pointy gel tips and she gets sent back to Russia.
  3. Matt and Alla
    What the hell happened to Mery Ann? Matt might be able to offer Alla the world's best mother-in-law but everyone else in his life is the devil. I have high hopes for this couple, but Mery Ann and I seem to be the only ones. Were the previous three divorces really so bad that any future love interest must be met with immediate disproval? This week Matt invites his friend Patrick over for dinner. Patrick, if you'll recall, refused to raise a glass in honor of Alla before she even set foot on U.S. soil. Patrick is a big pasty skeptic, which is fine. You know what's not fine? Outright nastiness upon meeting Alla for the first time. Matt is late in coming home from work which means Patrick and his girlfriend show up to find Alla alone. The entire introductory transaction is awkward, made worse so by Matt's late arrival. Meanwhile, Patrick's got a problem with everything. He doesn't like Alla, he doesn't like that Matt's running late, he doesn't like that Alla doesn't like that Matt's running late, and he doesn't like his steaks turned over too many times on the grill. You know what Patrick does like? SPF 900. At least Patrick's girlfriend Julie is supportive, although I got the impression she was only being so to counter Patrick's embarrassingly rude behavior. Little Max is mysteriously absent this week, no doubt hiding from Patrick and his shitty attitude. If Matt's friends continue to pressure him to dump someone they don't even know, that preview of Alla throwing a chair off a balcony makes a lot more sense.
  4. Chantel and Pedro
    Ruh-roh. There's trouble in paradise this week as Chantel and Pedro go on a much-needed vacation from doing nothing. Isn't being in Atlanta a vacation for Pedro? Why do they need to get away from it all? Oh, that's right. I almost forgot. It's exhausting living a lie. Chantel seems to be under the impression that a great way to blow off steam is to take one's fiancé to a nightclub and then dance with anyone but him. Pedro is apparently a "bad dancer" and Chantel must punish him by forcing Pedro to watch her grind her flawless rear end into the willing crotches of strange men. Chantel's drunken behavior was unattractive to Pedro (and to those of us viewing at home, no doubt). What's worse, in the sober light of day Chantel still refuses to own her boozy behavior. Due to the language barrier that shouldn't exist because these two were supposed to teach each other their languages, I fear Pedro is under the impression that Chantel will never go clubbing again. This is not the case. Chantel's future on the dance floor is an added throw pillow to the bed of lies upon which she currently sleeps. It's communication issues like these that will lead this couple to get in an inevitable huge public fight that will require subtitles. I think we see some of Chantel's true colors emerge this week -- and they are vodka and Red Bull-colored.
  5. Narkyia and Olulowo
    Next week's preview implies that we might one day meet this couple, which would be amazing considering they received a total of zero seconds of screen time in three episodes. I cannot rate Narkyia and Olulowo's chance's for romantic success because we have been denied their presence. Like the rest of you, I'm waiting on the backstory of the much-hyped quote from Narkyia: "I was catfished but I wanna marry him anyway."
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