What Happened To The Missing Couple On 90 Day Fiance?

Beth Spotswood ranks the couples we actually see as meet-the-fam meals go predictably awry.

  1. Chantel and Pedro
    Chantel takes the bold step of introducing Pedro to her family, including her siblings Hilltop and Seaglass River and Winter. Problem number one is that Chantel has lied to her family and told them that Pedro was in the United States thanks to a student visa. This is baloney. The second issue is that Pedro speaks almost no English. It should be noted that these two met over some sort of language instruction class. If only Chantel were as great at teaching English as she is at wearing bustiers to casual events.

    Anyway, Pedro now has to lie to his future in-laws in a language he doesn't speak. The results are disastrous. Chantel's dad grills Pedro (in English) about his ability to work and provide for Chantel, which Pedro can't explain that he can't do. And then Chantel, as if to test the thin ice of her house of lies, sends Pedro on a barber shop excursion with her brother, Pinecone River. Right away, River picks up that Pedro is hiding something and rightly describes his future brother-in-law (joke's on you, River!) as "fishy." Still, I'm bumping Chantel and Pedro up to the top for lasting love this episode because 1. the rest of the couples are screwed, and 2. sometimes secrets can involve a sexy "Romeo and Juliet" effect where the couple feels some clandestine connection. At least they're in it together.

  2. Nicole and Azan
    Get my bags! Sleep in my bed! Suck my face! Nicole is very demanding and she's only been in Morocco for an hour. Azan's random friend might be meant as a chaperone but he is no match for Nicole and her hot-hot-hot libido. Her first night in a foreign country, Nicole beds Azan. How do we know this? Because Nicole grabs Azan's arm, looks dead-straight into the camera, and announces to the international community of television owners throughout the universe that "We had sex." Next thing we know, the cops arrive. I don't know how the Moroccan police are on to Nicole and her American lust but Azan quickly hustled them to another apartment, muttering something about the previous landlord doing something illegal. He seemed nice enough on the terrace! Anyway, the new apartment has two bedrooms and Azan has been spooked by the police. Nicole begrudgingly agrees to sleep in separate beds but when she's out in the markets of Marrakech, Nicole refuses to respect Azan's boundaries. She is all over him, kissing and hugging and doing all of the things he specifically asked her not to do. Nicole should be focused on getting to know her fiancé better and buying some amazing caftans. Everyone knows that the whole point of going to Morocco is to wear fabulous beaded caftans and drink tea on pillows. Get with the program, Nicole! These two clock in at Number 2 because Azan is still sweetly into Nicole IN PRIVATE even though he asked her to eat healthy food and occasionally exercise. It's only Day 3 of Nicole's trip to Africa and she's got four-and-a-half weeks to go. Let's give her one more week not to fuck it up.
  3. Matt and Alla
    Alla innocently asks Matt what one of his kitchen contraptions is and to make her feel better (I guess), Mark explains that it's a microwave which we have here because Americans are lazy. Alla is basically like, "Oh okay, no need to shit on my new country. Just asking. So what's in the fridge?" This requires a trip to the grocery store where little Max ("The Maxinator," tm Matt) is beyond excited and adorable. The show seemed to try to make this grocery trip some metaphor for how difficult it'll be for Alla to adjust to our abundance of produce but the whole outing was pretty normal. You know what wasn't normal? Matt invites his entire family except for Mery Anne, the only good one, to dinner at a U-shaped table. The shape of that table should've been a clue to Alla to make a u-turn and get the fuck out of there. Right away, she's getting quizzed by Matt's twin brother, who asks questions Alla can only answer by sounding like she's after a green card. It was a set-up! Alla speaks great English but it's not her first language, nor does she understand the nuance and underhanded intention of questions like, "Did you always dream of coming to America or is this just now?" Obviously she said she'd always dreamed of moving to the USA and Matt's pasty family got the same look in their eyes that Donald got when Hillary fainted. Meanwhile, some frowny-face with a grown-out mullet spends all of dinner shooting Alla the side-eyes. Alla doesn't need this. She storms out and heads for the ladies room.

    Here's where Matt dropped the ball and thus dropped down two spots on our ranking. Instead of telling his brother where he could shove his leading questions, Matt said Alla was still on Ukraine time and it was time to head home. Maybe the reason Matt has been married 634 times is because he can't stand up to his kin and their canary-colored polo shirts? Alla is great, but Matt's weak backbone is going to drag these two back to immigration court.

  4. Jorge and Anfisa
    Where to begin? Perhaps we'll start on the eastern peak of Anfisa's fake lips and make our way westward. Jorge tells Anfisa that they're en route to live in a hotel because Jorge can't live in residential units anymore. His former house was robbed and he's lived in hotels ever since. Wait, what? This story sounds like complete bullshit, and probably is because when Anfisa insists on getting an apartment, Jorge grows concerned. There are some mysterious things he has yet to reveal and apparently they're prohibitive to renting a home. Has this to do with his marijuana entrepreneurship? Was Jorge growing weed in his closets? In addition to an apartment, Anfisa would like $10,000 grand a month, and she'd like to work in the bikini modeling industry. Oh, is that all, Anfisa? Jorge remains hopeful that his future bride will "grow out of" this materialistic phase. She will not. Jorge will be left penniless and alone. Jorge has nice eyes and nice teeth and a nice income. He deserves better than kissing the icy ass of a 20-year-old Chanel fan. We all do.
  5. Narkyia and Olulowo
    I'm sorry, Narkyia and Olulowo. There remains little to no evidence that you actually exist as cast members on this season of 90 Day Fiance. As a result, you're now ranked last for finding love on this show...because you are not on this show.
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