Patrick Chokes In The 90 Day Fiance Finale

Three fifths of the couples end up married, one puts everything on hold, and you'll just never guess who breaks up!

  1. Matt and Alla
    It's wedding day at "A Touch of Elegance"! Matt and Alla are ready to tie the knot. Everything is in place. Matt has borrowed a tuxedo from Garth Brooks and Alla has made her hair as asymmetrical as possible. Max worms his way into a tiny suit, Mery Anne has only been this proud of her son three times before, and Alla's sister treks into Kentucky. All that we need is someone to ruin everything.

    And here his is! Matt's "best friend" Patrick has arrived to cause a scene and make his point. Over and over, Patrick has claimed that Matt and Alla's relationship is a sham and Alla is only in this for the green card. Over and over, Matt has said he's going to marry her anyway. So now, on this most solemn of fourth tries, Patrick is marching into "A Touch of Elegance" determined to add a touch of cruelty. #TrueFriendship

    Uh, here's a question, guys: since when did they bring back the "If anyone objects to this union..." line to weddings? That's not a thing, right? I've certainly never seen it in real life. ["Wasn't in mine." - ed.] Can't swear Matt and Alla were probably told to include this by seasoned reality television producers who saw a golden opportunity for Patrick. Needless to say, when his big moment at someone else's wedding arrives, the world's worst best friend chokes. Patrick claims that he stayed silent because he finally witnessed a tearful Alla show some real emotion at her own wedding. Okay, Patrick. Whatever. No one likes you. You're the worst. And we all think Julie is waaaaaaaay too good for you. She deserves to be with someone who is not in love with his best friend.

    Reunion Matt and Alla appear to be living happily ever after. Good for them!

  2. Chantel and Pedro
    Chantel and Pedro got married last week and make no appearance in this week's episode. We are all denied another glimpse at Mother Chantel's cowgirl hat.

    Chantel spends most of the reunion crying on Pedro's shoulder and praising her husband. It would appear that catching a glimpse of herself on national television has had a nice, shaming effect on Chantel. I can only hope that River realizes what a weirdo he acts like on TV too.

  3. Nicole and Azan
    Because Nicole's mom won't cosign Azan's entry into America and Nicole doesn't make enough money to support him, Azan must wait until his future bride can afford to get him here without a co-sponsor. Nicole arbitrarily decides that'll take two years. The couple awkwardly Skype and after lots of painful pauses, Nicole explains her two-year plan to Azan. He remains skeptical but rallies some deadpan enthusiasm.

    The real red flag here is that Azan and Nicole have nothing to talk about. They stare at each other for awhile and then one asks the other how their day went. "Good. How was your day?" "Good." Silence. Nicole is obviously willing to postpone everything to spend her life having conversations like these. Azan has perhaps moved on in Morocco. (I'm just going to trademark "Moved On In Morocco" right now.)

    Azan phones in for the reunion until his connection stops working. "Connection stops working" is Moroccan code for "my other girlfriend just got here from Arkansas."

  4. Jorge and Anfisa
    Jorge and Anfisa shove themselves into Jorge's car, which is inexplicably filled with gigantic white tubes. What part of being an marijuana entrepreneur requires the transport of long white tubing? (Drug addicts, please chime in.) The doomed couple is off to a surprisingly charming Orange County courthouse to legally tie the knot and although this isn't the $57 trillion wedding that Jorge promises to give Anfisa, she still doesn't understand why he didn't rent a limo for the casual wedding occasion. Maybe because no one rents limos anymore, Anfisa. This isn't a suburban prom in 1991.

    The justice of the peace assigned to marry Anfisa and Jorge clearly hasn't been watching 90 Day Fiance because he is thrilled beyond words to be marrying this deeply dysfunctional couple. I'm pretty sure Anfisa makes Jorge sleep in a cage at night. His honor can tone down the enthusiasm. As the ceremony begins, Anfisa morphs into a human woman and begins to cry. "WTF is happening?" wonders everyone watching the show at home.

    The slightly sweet moment of Anfisa showing an emotion that doesn't involve a misdemeanor is shattered when the couple are pronounced husband and wife and Jorge shoves his tongue down Anvisa's throat, through her esophagus, and hangs a right into her liver. Mr. and Mrs. Anfisa head home to throw their phones at each other.

    At the reunion, Jorge and Anfisa basically admit that they drive each other crazy and fight all the time. Why, Jorge threatened divorce just the night before! Anfisa storms off, as per her contract, and doesn't like the way she's portrayed. Also she thinks that if Jorge has a problem with her, he should say so in private. Her lips have doubled in size. I give their union six more months, tops.

  5. Narkyia and Olulowo
    Still in Vietnam, Narkyia can't bring herself to forgive Lowo for lying about this incredibly complicated thing he kinda/sorta/not-really had a responsibility to tell her. If you'll recall from last week's Hanoi drama, Lowo's friend nonchalantly dropped the scripted bombshell that while he was initially courting Narkyia over the internet, Lowo was also trying to get back with the mother of his child. Lowo failed to mention this and Narkyia will never be the same. It's called "tying up loose ends," and a lot of people do it when committing to a new relationship. We have all kept a few irons in the fire until we were sure we were moving into monogamy. I'm not seeing what Narkyia's big deal is but it was enough of a big deal for her that Narkyia flew back to Pennsylvania.

    Over frozen custard (eww), Narkyia explains to her adorable mohawk'd 12-year-old son Malcolm that Lowo might not be coming over to America as planned. Malcolm is disappointed but charmingly supportive of his mother. Like any badass parent, Narkyia reminds her growing son that he needs to hold the door of the custard shop(pe) for his mom. While we never get a definitive answer as to where her relationship with Lowo stands, the universe collectively agrees that Narkyia and Malcolm are better off without a shady Nigerian prince.

    Narkyia and Lowo do not participate in the reunion, probably because Lowo had some royal duties to attend to.

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