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On 90 Day Fiance, Everything's...Well, You Can Read The Caption

Anfisa destroys Jorge's car/life, Nicole hires the world's most judgmental attorney, and Chantel says 'I do' to puppy love.

  1. Matt and Alla
    Alla's gorgeous sister is able to make it to America for the wedding. Alla and Max are over the moon to see a live, sane relative and Hot Sister is welcomed by Matt with open arms. At the rehearsal dinner, Matt and Alla beam with pride. They both seem genuinely excited to get married. But then the soundtrack from Jaws starts to play as this year's 90 Day Fiance villain appears. Patrick will do anything he can to stop this wedding, and for him that including lurking around a free dinner drinking free beer while making occasional threats of disrupting someone's fucking wedding.

    At this point, we need to ask ourselves just what exactly is up with Patrick? Why does he refuse to acknowledge that Matt is making a decision without his approval? Does he feel the need to control others in this bizarre manner? Is he secretly in love with Matt? These are all valid questions and I look forward to a lively discourse in the comment section. Because this guy is an absolute monster. If Patrick doesn't like that Matt is happily going forward with his wedding then Patrick doesn't need to go to the wedding. All of these threats to "speak up" at a marriage ceremony are weird and cruel. It's not like speaking up at a wedding has any real power other than the power to make Patrick look like an asshole. It won't stop a wedding. It's not a magic Bat signal that will summon a Ukrainian plane to shuttle Alla home. Matt has heard Patrick's concerns and Matt has made his decision in spite of them. At this point, I think Patrick is just pissed that Matt's not following his orders. This is way less about Alla than it is about Matt and Patrick and their codependent, control-based relationship.

  2. Nicole and Azan
    Does anyone else keep forgetting about May? Nicole has a two-year-old daughter named May. Every episode needs to start with this reminder. Anyway, Azan is not answering his phone. Azan is not answering texts. This gives Nicole's family the ammunition they need to start leaning on Nicole to call the whole thing off. But Nicole has only told her family about all of her fights with Azan in Morocco, conveniently leaving out the parts about how she refused to respect the boundaries of his culture. Even Nicole's brother is like, "I was expecting you to tell me good things." So Nicole heads to Tampa, FL to meet with the world's most judgmental, most hydrated lawyer ever. Water Bottle, Esq. is wearing a pink suit and has a giant pink water bottle at the center of her big, important legal desk. In all of her years of practicing sophisticated immigration law, Water Bottle, Esq. has never helped a couple who've only spent five weeks in each other's company get married. [cough] Bullshit. [cough]

    The whole time nervous Nicole is explaining her situation with Azan (which can't possibly be unlike many, many other cases of Americans falling in e-love with someone abroad), Water Bottle Esq. shoots her the side-eyes. You met on an app? You're a barista? You have a child? LOL. I've never seen a shadier case but I'll do it for five grand. Hold on, I need a refill.

    Nicole decides to ask her mother Robbalee to co-sign Azan's K-1 Visa application. She is met with a stifled guffaw and a big, disappointing no. Robbalee wants Nicole to break up with Azan this instant. Nicole wants to take her daughter to see Azan in Morocco this instant. We remain at the crossroads.

  3. Chantel and Pedro
    With only hours until their wedding, Chantel and Pedro see an attorney about getting the prenuptial agreement that Chantel's parents have basically insisted upon. The lawyer, who has a sequined sombrero on display in his office, is like, "You're getting married tomorrow? We can't write a personalized legal agreement that fast and also, you cray." So Chantel finds a generic prenup form online and gets Pedro to sign it while they both prepare for a wedding that another human being may or may not attend.

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    The impetus for this whole prenup obsession is apparently that Mother and Father Chantel are concerned about Pedro getting a piece of Chantel's inheritance. By my understanding, unless there's some family trust funded by the women's cowboy hat industry, Chantel won't get any inheritance until after her folks die, which is by all appearances blessedly far away. I still don't get why this quickie prenup was such a huge deal, but the first thing Chantel's parents do upon showing up to her wedding (!) is ask to see the prenup. Mother Chantel is all business as she stands beneath a Edison-bulb-lit gazebo and tries to find the line about inheritance in the still-hot-from-the-Kinko's-printer document.

    "Everything seems to be in order," announces Mother Chantel. Good GOD. Chantel literally Googled "prenup." This document is about as legally binding as Pedro's understanding of the television show on which he appears. I have now suffered a strain in my ocular cavity from rolling my eyes so much at this nonsense.

    According to his iPad, the officiant has somewhere to be, so with Mother Chantel's Harvard Law okay on the Google doc, it's time to say, "I do." But wait? Where's River, Chantel's beloved brother who is still hurt that a 25-year-old lied about her boyfriend? At the last possible second, River and a big sad frown show up, take one look around, and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

    If I may paraphrase Pedro's reaction, STFU River. Once the deed is done, Chantel's father admits that he thinks Pedro and Chantel are in love. But then he clarifies, "Puppy love." BURN.

  4. Narkyia and Olulowo
    Narkyia and Lowo visit the branch of Vietnamese government which somehow has to power to permit a Nigerian to travel to America. Narkyia needs to see what is bureaucratically up for herself. 90DF cameras weren't allowed inside but whatever the government of Vietnam told Narkyia got Lowo off the hook. The happy couple then meets up with Lowo's friend who 1) confirms Lowo's status as member of a Nigerian royal family, and 2) reveals that while initially chatting with Narkyia online, Lowo was also trying to woo back his "baby mama." (The term "baby mama" is used exclusively to describe Lowo's former partner.)

    Having come so far and been lied to so often, Narkyia cannot handle this additional piece of information which was unnecessarily and awkwardly revealed by someone we've never seen before. Who is this Nigerian guy walking around Hanoi offering unsolicited recaps of Lowo's relationship timeline? Anyway, Narkyia takes the ice cream she'd been holding and shoves it in Lowo's face. She then storms off -- through the humid night Hanoi air and into her hotel. Narkyia is chased by a 90DF producer while Lowo lets his friend delicately wipe ice cream from his face.

  5. Jorge and Anfisa
    So much has happened with this couple that this episode's drama needs bullet points:

    • After lunch with his sisters, Jorge basically accepts the fact that Anfisa is bonkers and he needs to break up with her.
    • Anfisa wordlessly kicks Jorge out of the apartment.
    • Jorge sleeps in his car.
    • Anfisa scratches the word "IDIOT" into Jorge's second car with a key.
    • Jorge decides that he's breaking up with Anfisa right this second and it's probably best if this happens off camera. Why, Jorge? We wanna see!
    • Jorge and Anfisa return to the "IDIOT" car, ostensibly to go to the airport and buy Anfisa a flight back to Moscow with $10,000 cash. Anfisa has packed 1 (one) Louis Vuitton "Speedy" bag.
    • 90 Day Fiance producers grow concerned and confused, appearing on camera in an attempt to discern what exactly is going on. Jorge is not allowed to answer.
    • Jorge and Anfisa return from the airport and are now refusing to answer any questions. Anfisa slams the door on the crew of 90DF.
    • Jorge finds a way to sneak out of HIS apartment and WHISPER an explanation to the producers but Anfisa uses black magic to make the door open and suck Jorge back inside. The door then slams shut, locks, and spontaneously catches on fire.
    • The producers depart, concerned for Jorge's safety.
    • Jorge survives the night.
    • Anfisa goes "out of her way" to make reservations at a restaurant.
    • Anfisa and Jorge have dinner at a restaurant and resolve 100% of their problems and differences. They agree to get married ASAP. Jorge seems delighted. The word "IDIOT" is still keyed onto his drivers' side door.

    Presumably the next event in this series involves the outline of a body on the bloody pavement of a Los Angeles intersection.

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