Many Rivers To Cross On 90 Day Fiance

Alla wants a midwest beach wedding, Anfisa is all about the Benjamins, and River calls in sick.

  1. Matt and Alla
    All Hail Mery Ann, the rare 90 Day Fiance kind mother-in-law. Mery Ann is a treasure of a human being. She has been through three of her son's weddings and is mustering an abundance of positive enthusiasm for his fourth. The problem (and there's always a problem) is that no one has presented Alla with a topographical map of America. She seems to be under the impression that Midwesterners regularly have beach weddings and it's no big deal. For some reason, it's up to Mery Ann (and not Matt) to convince Alla that flying the entirety of Matt's disapproving friends and family to Florida is too expensive, especially since they all had to do that for Wedding #3. Alla is disproportionately saddened by this obvious information, and begrudgingly visits a local establishment called "A Touch of Elegance."

    Alla finds Mery Ann and her anti-beach propaganda too meddlesome, but once she gets a good feel for the single red rose vibe that IS A Touch of Elegance, Alla warms to Mery Ann's positive and reasonable ideas. "I think the wedding will be great here," beams Alla, because she is nice and normal.

    Matt better not fuck this up.

  2. Nicole and Azan
    Nicole's MONTH is Morocco is coming to an end. While these two are now officially engaged, Nicole isn't sure she knows Azan well enough to go through with actually marrying him. Their cultural differences are just too much to handle. Nicole demands entry into a mosque and is shocked when Azan explains the basics of Islam. Wait, what? Azan's culture is really different than Nicole's? If only someone could have mentioned this earlier. Meanwhile, back in Florida, Nicole's mom and sister are arranging for fixers within countries neighboring Morocco to remain at the ready in case Nicole needs a Special Forces-style rescue from the delightful exotic vacation Azan and his family have provided.
  3. Chantel and Pedro
    Chantel's adult brother River is so shocked and appalled at the realization that his sister plans on marrying her hot boyfriend, he straight-up called in sick to school. River is upset, River can't eat or sleep, River will never trust again, and River thought Chantel was "better than that." Why is River presenting physical symptoms at the engagement of his sister? Why does River call his parents "Mommy and Daddy"? Why is River on the phone with INS right this very second trying to get Pedro on the next flight back to the Dominican Republic (provided Pedro can get on the right plane this time)? I thought we were watching 90 Day Fiance, not Flowers In The Attic.

    River blames Pedro for turning his sister "into a liar." It was really Chantel who forced Pedro to lie. Pedro still doesn't fully understand what exactly is going on, he's certainly not orchestrating major conspiracies. But it's easier for River to blame Pedro than to blame Chantel, the sister he is apparently madly in love with. Why, Chantel? Why???????

  4. Narkyia and Olulowo
    My God, what is wrong with these two? Yet again, 90 Day Fiance viewers are denied a glimpse into the love that is (or perhaps was) Narkyia and Lowo. They barely made the previews for next week, much less catching a couple of seconds of screentime in this episode. If I were a betting woman, I'd say that this shady couple crashed and burned early on and the show must drag out their storyline. Once Lowo dropped the Nigerian-prince and missing-cell-phone routines, we all knew this marriage was never to be.
  5. Jorge and Anfisa
    Brace yourselves, smart shoppers. Anfisa would like a five-carat, $150,000 engagement ring, paired with the $45,000 wedding gown she insists upon. Jorge sits Anfisa down and asks her to be reasonable. I mean, Jesus. He sells marijuana, not cocaine. According to Anfisa, Jorge originally promised a level of opulence that he's now unable to provide. Their awkward conversation dissolved into the following realization, which my fiancé and I cannot stop reenacting:

    Jorge: "So you're basically saying that you're just dating me because I can buy you things?"
    Anfisa: "Yes. [pause] What?"

    Whoa. No one saw this coming. Just kidding! We all saw this coming. All of us except Jorge. Anfisa goes on to call out Jorge, asking, "If I was ugly and fat, would you be dating me?" Sadly, Anfisa thinks that because she is beautiful (her words), she deserves a man who will keep her happy with things. Lots and lots of things. When you get past her shiny lips and shiny boobs vying for attention, Anfisa's logic is pretty heartbreaking. This young woman either doesn't know the endless value of true love, or she'd rather have some dumb dress. Either way, Anfisa's going to be sad for the rest of her life. Right now, she's just threatening to go back to Russia because everyone knows that it's all Chanel and canary diamonds at her grandma's apartment.

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