TLC

90 Day Fiancé's Hourlong Glimpse Into Season 4 Is Appropriately Nuts

The premiere special includes catfishing, sisterly side-eyes, and a Russian hacker; Beth Spotswood reports!

90 Day Fiancé is back and everything is once again right with the world. If you're unfamiliar with the premise of this intense reality show, here's the gist: five foreigners arrive in the United States on a K1-Visa, a.k.a. "the fiancé visa." They have 90 days to marry their beloved American or else they'll be sent back whence they came. What with this being America, the drama is televised.

While the official Season 4 episodes don't begin until Sunday, September 11th, TLC treated us to an hourlong preview special, inexplicably titled, "For Your Eyes Only." Let's meet this season's couples:

Nicole and Azan

Nicole is 22 and lives in Florida with her two-year-old daughter. While she has no idea where exactly Morocco is located, she's fallen in love with Azan, a Moroccan gentleman who'd messaged her out of the blue and managed to sneak through Nicole's spam filter. To get Azan to America through the K1-Visa program, Nicole and Azan have to have actually met IRL, so Nicole has planned to head to Morocco once she figures out where it is. Nicole's family, meanwhile, is concerned she'll return in "a body bag," if at all. Also, pickpockets.

Azan possesses what Nicole giddily describes as a "personal trainer body," which is of concern to Nicole's mother Robbalee, who deadpans to national television cameras that her daughter "is not the most beautiful girl out there." The real star of Nicole's family is her confident younger brother, who includes his blunt concerns about Nicole's personal life in the family prayer at the dinner table.

For his part, Azan seems less than enthused in his Skype chats with Nicole, and preview clips imply that he shrugs off physical contact, in part because of his religion. It looks like the whole trip to Morocco will be a huge fiasco, and will include a forced march through an actual desert. Nicole and Azan were clearly cast as this year's Danielle and Mohamed, the runaway train from Season 2.

Narkyia and Olulowo

90 Day Fiancé completely omitted 36-year old Narkyia and her Nigerian fiancé Olulowo from their preview special, other than this amazing line from Narkyia: "I was catfished by my own fiancé, but I wanna marry him anyway." Go for it, Narkyia!

Chantel and Pedro

Chantel is an Atlanta-based 25-year-old nursing student and cheerleading coach. She is gorgeous and she lives with her gorgeous family, none of whom has any idea that Chantel is engaged to her internet boyfriend Pedro. A "friend" introduced Pedro, who lives in the Dominican Republic, to Chantel so that he could teach her to speak Spanish and she could teach him to speak English. Is it just me or does this story sound a little fishy? There are many, many ways for Chantel, who attends community college anyway, to learn Spanish. Why does she need to correspond with some guy in the Dominican Republic? I remain suspicious.

Like Chantel, Pedro is gorgeous, young, and as Chantel's mom put it, "thinks he's in love." Perhaps it was that love that distracted Pedro from getting on the right flight to America. After decorating her brand-new apartment with flower petals and donning a sexy formal bustier, Chantel heads to the Atlanta airport to pick up Pedro. Pedro's plane lands, no sign of him. So Chantel calls up her fiancé, who claims to be in a Florida airport. There was no explanation or alarm. Pedro simply informed Chantel that he might arrive in Atlanta the next day.

Weren't these two supposed to teach each other to communicate in their respective languages? How does Chantel think Pedro is on one airplane headed to Georgia when he's really on another headed to Florida? And why isn't Pedro freaked out that he's basically living the opening plot device from Home Alone 2: Lost In New York?

Jorge and Anfisa

This couple is a doozy. Jorge is a 26-year-old Los Angeles marijuana entrepreneur, meaning that he grows and provides medical marijuana to patients. Based on Jorge's super-chill vibe about his volatile romantic situation, I suspect he might be dipping into his product. Jorge hasn't had lots of luck with American women because they're all a bunch of feminists. Jorge, you see, was brought up to believe a woman should depend on a man, which might be why he's spent upwards of $70,000 on showering Anfisa with gifts while nervously justifying the relationship to his sister and niece.

Anfisa is a 20-year-old Russian woman who posted sexy pictures of herself on Facebook. Jorge saw these photos and sent Anfisa ten messages before getting an answer. If these red flags aren't enough, Anfisa and Jorge are currently in a fight over Jorge's refusal to purchase Anfisa a $10,000 Chanel bag. Instead Jorge headed to a consignment store and picked her up a $400 Hermes bracelet, which is sadly not the Hermes bracelet everyone wants but still a generous gift. Tech-savvy Anfisa was so pissed over not getting a (totally clichéd) purse that she used the myriad passwords Jorge had given her to 1. delete the contents of his phone, 2. change his email password so that he can't access his email, and 3. cancel his upcoming flight to pick her up Russia. Anfisa is literally a Russian hacker.

Good thing she's not a feminist, right, Jorge?

Matt and Alla

Forty-three-year-old Kentuckian Matt runs a car dealership and has been married three times before. As a result of his failed relationships, Matt explained that "the best option for me was going to Eastern Europe." Sure, Matt. Makes sense.

Matt saw Alla on a mail-order-bride website and ordered her. Alla lives in Ukraine with her 7-year-old son, and both of them are coming to America to marry Matt. There is an extraordinary level of social awkwardness with Matt, as evidenced by his Skype chat with Alla. He sighs excitedly. He moves his arms and hands with abandon. He kind of screams from the back of his throat, "Oh there she is!" And this is all before Alla has even answered the call.

Back at the car dealership, Matt's mean BFF Patrick points out that he's downright sick of helping Matt through a series of painful breakups, and sees the end of this relationship with Alla as a forgone conclusion. Patrick goes so far as to refuse to toast Alla's impending arrival. Then Patrick storms off muttering obscenities. Matt responds with nervous tears. Afterwards, Matt's mouth tells the camera that he knows marrying Alla is the right decision while his eyes tell America that he won't be able to take it if this all goes sideways.

Finally, viewers are treated to a "This season on 90 Day Fiancé…" preview that included Alla throwing a chair off a balcony.

Fiancé arrivals begin on Sunday, September 11th and follow every Sunday thereafter. So I'll be back on Mondays to break down the gory details. Until then, my 90DF friends, may all your commercial breaks be brief.

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