90 Day Fiance's Alla Doesn't Love Matt But It's Not A Big Deal, Okay?

In other 'news,' Anfisa screws up a marijuana transaction and Lowo is totally trustworthy.

  1. Matt and Alla
    Matt continues to subject Alla to Patrick, a role originated by James Spader in Pretty In Pink. Matt and Alla head out in a snowstorm to once again answer Patrick's personal questions. Much to his secret delight, Patrick gets Alla to admit that she's never told Matt that she loves him. Sigh. There is a communication and cultural barrier here, and Matt is using it to his advantage. Alla doesn't feel she is ready to tell Matt she loves him, but she does feel that she is ready to marry him. Matt is okay with this and is clearly hopeful that "I love you"s will soon roll off her tongue like Patrick rolls into an Applebee's -- with great frequency and pride.

    Why the hell does Patrick seem so hell bent on revealing Alla to be a green-card-digging whore? She is intelligent, kind, and makes Matt happy. She has done nothing to warrant his aggression and cruelty. Very calmly, Alla tells Patrick that he seems to need to control Matt and that she finds his questions offensive. Patrick storms out, leaving his surprisingly normal girlfriend at the table to apologize for him. "I'm embarrassed," she confesses, pleading with her eyes to take Alla's place in the Patrick-free Ukraine.

  2. Nicole and Azan
    Nicole returns from Morocco and can't wait to tell her mom and her sister all about her adventures on a camel and getting proposed to in an exotic tent in the middle of the desert by her hot fiancé. Just kidding! Nicole mentions none of that and proceeds to feed her family exactly what they want to hear: that she and Azan hit some bumps in the road. Duh. I'm madly in love with my American fiancé but I was ready to kill him and his aggressively fast walking after three days in Italy. These experiences challenge anyone, much less relative strangers. Meekly, over her huge American portions, Nicole reveals that Azan has told her to "Shut the fuck up" and that he'd be more attracted to her if she lost some weight. Perhaps that convo wasn't caught on camera, but I didn't hear Azan say anything about attraction. I did hear him call Nicole "lazy" on several occasions. Part of their issue is cultural. Azan genuinely seems to have no idea that these choice phrases are hurtful and inappropriate. Any American male knows WAY better than to tell a woman to go easy on the pizza. Unlike Nicole's mom, the flawlessly named Robbalee, I do not think these issues spell doom for Nicole and Azan.
  3. Chantel and Pedro
    Pedro calls up his Dominican mom to see what she thinks about his signing a prenup. I don't speak Spanish but I definitely understand "Estupido!" Kudos to Mother Pedro for calling out Chantel's family and their bizarre request that their studio-apartment-renting daughter insist on a prenuptial agreement. Pedro claims that he listens to his mother -- even if she gives shitty advice -- but he gives in to Chantel and agrees to sign "the papers." Pedro will never get over this snub. It will haunt the couple forever. This prenup fight spells the inevitable end of their marriage. Chantel and Pedro will end up calling upon the prenup in their eventual divorce and at that time, both of their billboard advertisement lawyers will say, "Why the hell did you two goons need a prenup?" Estupido indeed.
  4. Narkyia and Olulowo
    Due to a curious chain of events that required Narkyia's Nigerian prince to lose his phone and take some NBD meetings about a criminal record in Vietnam, Narkyia decided to fly to Hanoi to figure out what the hell was going on. Lowo, for his part, met Narkyia at the airport with flowers and blindfolded her for a hotel room reveal of flowers, cupcakes, and printouts of her selfies taped to the wall. Later they happily wander the streets in search of dinner. See, Narkyia? Everything's fine. You can go home now, yes?

    Narkyia takes a bite of her Vietnamese chicken and says no. I'm here for sex and investigative work and I've only checked one of those things off the list. In next week's preview, Lowo takes an ice cream cone to the face. The brief hope I once had for this couple fades again.

  5. Jorge and Anfisa
    Anfisa is bored out of her mind in America. There's nothing to do and nowhere to go because she can't drive and she can't work. Apparently Jorge has refused to reveal the wonders of Uber and the internet to Anfisa. Google a yoga class, catch a shared Lyft to a museum, or volunteer at an orphanage for abandoned mail-order brides. All of these can be arranged on one's phone but instead, Anfisa uses her phone to track Jorge's every movement. She literally stays in "her" apartment all day and all night texting and calling Jorge. When that's not enough, Anfisa uses some "Find My Phone" tracking device to ping him. I do not understand this tracking thing because I'm not nearly as tech-savvy as Anfisa but it involves non-optional alarms emerging from Jorge's phone while he's paying cash for $11,000 diamonds and juggling important marijuana business. (Related: who knew that fluorescent-lit jewelry stores with bars on the windows conducted all-cash five-figure purchases? Not I!)

    Sick of the constant nagging that's beginning to border on Danielle Jbali-esque harassment, Jorge decides to crash a luncheon consisting of his three sisters, each with their own amazing name. Word on the internet is that "Jorge" is not Jorge's real name. I wonder if his sisters each picked their own reality TV show pseudonym? Because Jorge definitely doesn't pronounce "Lourdes" like he's been saying it his whole life. Anyway, Jorge laments his personal situation to his obviously older sisters and they all tsk-tsk him for thinking with his dick. "What do you expect," says Evil Sister From Cinderella #2, "when you pay someone to spread their legs?"

    You expect them to be cool, Cleopatra Beyonce! To paraphrase Charlie Sheen's douchey quote about sex workers, you're not paying them for sex. You're paying them to leave.

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