90 Day Fiance Welcomes Big American To Morocco

Ranking this season's couples based on their likelihood of miraculously finding happiness with one another.

  1. Matt and Alla
    Hallelujah, we finally have a supportive 90DF mom! Matt's mom Mery Anne is the polar opposite of any concerned mother who has appeared in 90 Day Fiance history. Mery Anne is positive and excited! She offers thoughtful ideas to make Alla and her young son more comfortable. Mery Anne spells "Mary" with an "e." She is basically Hello Dolly in a fur vest and I love her. We should all marry Matt just to lock down Mery Anne, the dream mother-in-law.

    Mery Anne and some mute join Matt at the airport for a very normal, happy, and genuine reunion. Alla is cool and seems legitimately into Matt. Meanwhile, her son is well-behaved and curious about everything, which is a great sign. Matt's entire family is waiting at home to welcome Alla to America, and apparently in Matt's America, everyone needs to wear a nametag. Alla was invited to put her purse down after a group prayer, and she eventually found her son sneaking a sip from a champagne flute. Under the circumstances, Matt and his family seem to be doing a great job of welcoming Alla to their family -- a family Alla clearly wants to join. I'm ranking this couple at the top of our love list because out of everyone, their relationship feels the most equal and balanced. I've probably just jinxed the whole thing now. Sorry, Mery Anne.

  2. Chantel and Pedro
    If it was up to Chantel's "friend" Jessica, these two would come in last in our ranking of couple's happiness. But now that Pedro has taken an additional 24 hours to get himself on the correct airplane, he and Chantel have some legit chemistry. Chantel puts on her shortest sequined minidress to greet Pedro at the right airport and these two basically get to sexy business right away -- once Chantel removes the rose petals and framed poetry from atop her bed. Chantel finally explains to us that she's informed her family and friends that Pedro is in Atlanta on a student visa and that the 90DF cameras are for a reality show on cultures and dating or something. Lucky for Chantel, she could make up any random reality-show reason and everyone would believe it because reality shows are ridiculous and wonderful and full of nonsense. "Oh, you're on a show about people who eat shoelaces? Cool." Anyway, Chantel gets busy introducing Pedro and his extremely limited English that she never taught him to her friends, one of whom makes ZERO bones about her issue with this rapid relationship. Whatever, Jessica. Chanel and Pedro are finally together in the USA. We will let them enjoy it and have sex for a week before this not-that-big-a-deal "student visa" lie blows up in Chantel's face.
  3. Nicole and Azan
    Miraculously Nicole gets herself to Morocco and is greeted by Azan and his random friend. Excited to see Azan, Nicole chooses not to pop into an airport ladies' room and freshen up her make-up/tighten her bra straps. Of course Nicole is beautiful just the way she is, but even perfect human Linda Evangelista looks like ass after a 14-hour flight. Anyone meeting her fiancé in person for the first time might want to re-apply some deodorant and lip gloss. Azan, meanwhile, greets Nicole warmly and then privately tells that camera that she's "big a little bit." Random friend is much more diplomatic about the whole thing and calls Nicole "cute." I hope Nicole's family is watching this and noting the decorum and class of the Moroccans about whom they were so worried. All this episode provided us was Nicole's arrival in Morocco, so these two are rocking the middle of the road at #3. Apparently there's a forced march though the desert coming up in a future episode, so I'd put off betting the farm on these two lasting forever and ever.
  4. Narkyia and Olulowo
    Just like in last month's preview special, this couple is completely cut from the entire episode. Previews imply that at one point, these lovebirds might appear, but they received nary a second of screen time in Episode 1. I am still ranking them better than Jorge and Anfisa, though.
  5. Jorge and Anfisa
    "It's been a week since Anfisa hung up on me." That's just one example of dumb shit Jorge says while en route to pick up Anfisa from the airport. Anfisa is a soap opera villain, ice queen, and sex doll rolled into one 20-year-old Russian. I can't decide if she is really the anti-Christ or this is the most fabulous over-the-top reality show persona in history. Take a seat, Danielle Staub, Anfisa has landed in L.A. Anfisa, if you'll recall, is pissed because Jorge passed on buying her a $10,000 Chanel bag, so she hacked his phone, email, and cancelled his flight to Russia. For whatever reason, Anfisa abruptly changes her mind and decides to get on an airplane. She then makes Jorge and his high-end roses wait in the greeting area just to build suspense. When she emerges post-customs, Anfisa has more luggage than can fit in Jorge's car and he needs to hire a cab to come get her crap. Future episodes show Anfisa keying the word "IDIOT" onto the door of Jorge's car. Jorge will be lucky if he gets out of this relationship alive, much less with a "fair" credit rating. If he wasn't a "marijuana entrepreneur" who put up with Anfisa's unacceptable behavior, I would feel sorry for Jorge. But he is and he does, so in the great words of the Broadway smash hit Hamilton, I hope you (both) buuuurrrrrrn."
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