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A&E

Why Aren't The 60 Days Inmates Assigned Bunks?

And other not-quite burning questions from this week's installment of 60 Days In.

The biggest surprise on this week's episode of 60 Days In is that everyone stayed in lockup -- including Stephanie, who we'd previously been led to assume was out on bail. But though Ryan has gone increasingly bonkers, to the point that he's having delusions of inmatery, the law-enforcement officers in ostensible charge of this while charade have decided to let him remain. I am not sure that this is a great idea! But that's where we are.

Did Maples actually say "It's go time" in a non-ironic fashion right before the CERT raid?

Following Brian's revelations that pod boss Daffron was conducting vigilante "court," Maples and Noel order a Correctional Emergency Response Team raid on D-Pod. I'm curious about why Daffron's crimes were deemed serious enough to warrant a shakedown that pulled 11 of the most powerful inmates from the pod, while in C-Pod Sheckles's reign of race-baiting terror continues unabated. Are Captain Scottie Maples and Sheriff Jamey Noel only getting information from the program participants as they exit, and aren't allowed access to the production footage or to get info from the moles at any other time? If so, and (perhaps naively) assuming that the purpose of this program is to effect actual change within the Clark County correctional system, that's stupid.

But it's not as stupid as Maples announcing "it's go time," a phrase that since March 13, 1997 has belonged solely to Lloyd "Izzy Mandelbaum" Bridges. Sorry, buddy. No one can say that phrase seriously anymore.

Given everything else going on at this jail, why is Sheri making "illicit tattooing" her priority?

Though 60 Days In gives us a helpful card announcing that jailhouse tattooing is prohibited, I have to wonder how big a deal it is, within the grand scheme of cellblock shenanigans. We know that somehow, pot, meth, and ecstasy are being moved into the jail, but Sheri tells us repeatedly that she's thrown herself into her undercover persona to learn as much as possible about the tattoo black market.

Of course, Sheri seems extraneous when we see how willingly the inmates answer questions from the production as the latter films from inside the pod's makeshift tattoo parlor. Inmates "say as little as possible," one explains at great and verbose length to one of the producers behind the camera that is filming her committing a forbidden jail act. Arkham Asylum, this place is not.

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I will grudgingly say that the method used to administer the tattoos is kind of ingenious: a portion of an e-cig (what can't they be used for??) and a sharpened staple are used as the gun, and the ink is (as we know from last week) burnt paper.

Was it a good idea for Ashleigh to do this thing?

As I've said before, I'm not judging Ashleigh for leaving her four-month-old behind to do this -- and I wish you wouldn't, either, unless you were also judging Zac for leaving behind his then-three-month old last season. That said, I'm worried that her recent pregnancy is making her participation in this program harder for her than it might be normally. A couple of her fellow inmates have suggested that she's suffering from postpartum depression, and while I'm not a doctor, I think it's quite likely, as her moods seem even more erratic and rocky than her co-participants.

And even if it's not full-blown PPD, there's the fact that your hormones (among other things) are flat-out bonkers for a few months after you give birth, all in a way that might make it far more difficult to face the type of adversity that you'd normally hurdle without incident.

You'd think that with her near-constant crying during the interviews, the production might make an executive decision and send her home. Instead, Noel "invites" her dad (the show makes pains to note that he's her "adoptive father," but he's raised her since she was an infant so there's something about that enforced distinction that's both dated and unnecessary) come to give her a pep talk. Which "works," I guess?

Am I the only person dying to go Super Bowl win on Maples's ass with this cooler?

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Given the evident budgetary constraints in Clark County, I'm dubious that the inhabitants of F-Pod are being served actual Gatorade from that cooler, but every time I see it I can't help but imagine the remaining fauxmates sneaking up on Maples to give him a celebratory shower on their last day in the joint. In fact, if you wanted to raise money to help bulk up that constrained budget, maybe they could raffle off a Noel or Maples dunking (with A&E's assistance). I know I'd buy a ticket!

So everything they told us about Stephanie heading to rehab last week was a lie?

Last week, we were presented the narrative that Monalisa's bunkie, Stephanie, was a sweet little addict fighting to get clean and change her life. We watched her triumphantly bond out and head to rehab, a happy ending in a building full of sad ones.

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Well, apparently that was all bullshit, as this week Stephanie is portrayed as a scammy sociopath who somehow conspired to create a fraudulent bond payment that officials caught only at the last minute.

I'd love to know more about this scam it appears Stephanie almost got away with! According to the Clark County Sheriff's office website, bail is accepted during business hours at the county Clerk of Courts in the form of "cash or surety and court cash bonds." Since the latter two are typically proffered only by a bail bondsperson (who would be extremely unlikely to present a deceptive document), that only seems to leave us cash. All we hear from Noel is that her bond document was "altered," so does that suggest that an accomplice on the outside made an effort to falsify papers? And they didn't catch it until after Stephanie had been in processing for four hours? Why not just leave her in the pod until everything clears, then haul her out? All this seems needlessly complicated. Hey, look, I have helpful suggestions for fixing the jail and I don't even have to be a fake inmate! I'm amazing.

Did Sheri really have to pass the COs a note like it's middle-school study hall?

Monalisa, sporting a new IDGAF attitude since she was "bamboozled" by Stephanie, calmly baits Ashley (not to be confused with Ashleigh) into a confrontation. Who knows what it's really about, as every fight in jail is about insanely stupid shitm but "Tonight it's on," the 19-year-old Ashley promises the 49-year-old woman. The middle-aged Monalisa meets the prospect of fighting a young, fit, alleged criminal with a delusional level of equanimity. Sheri seems less calm, writing a note warning the guards of the promised altercation and shoving it under the door.

This seems stupid for many reasons, as the COs don't know Sheri is a mole, Sheri now looks like a snitch, and how likely was this dumb fight anyway? This seemed like a total overreaction on Sheri's part, but I guess we'll see next week.

How hard would it be to just assign bathrooms and bunks?

Here's another piece of jail management advice I'll give Noel and Maples for free: Assign bunks and bathrooms, you boobs. So much needless conflict and general bullshit revolves around seeking a bunk -- for example, when Dion and Ryan trade places, and Dion is forced to go from room to room looking for a place to sleep. You guys, most colleges don't let you pick your roommates first year, so why does your idiotic jail? I promise you, I'm more sensitive to civil rights violations than most, but the ACLU will not care one whit if you tell these guys where to sleep, shit, and shower. It is, in fact, your job to tell them where to do those things! Don't shirk your job, gentlemen.

Has Ryan completely lost it?

I guess we know who in Season 2 is Most Likely To Join One Of Those Cults At The Airport/Bus Station! It's Ryan, duh, whose brain has been so addled by the experience that when interviewed by the production about goings-on at the jail he swings between gritting "I'm a field agent" and spouting some shit about how "bunkies come first" and that to share information about jailhouse crimes would be a violation of Ryan's "honor code." What about the honor code you agreed to as a mole intended to help Maples and Noel stomp out correctional troubles, Ryan?

Realizing that Ryan is far too starry-eyed over his boyfriend Garza to see reason, Maples and Noel agree the best thing for Ryan's sanity is to remove him from the program. JK, of course they do not do that because it's clear that no one involved in this thing has a conscience. Instead, they have Ryan and Dion trade pods. Will Ryan be able to ingratiate himself with Sheckles the way he did with Garza? I'd put money on Monalisa handily beating Ashley's ass before I'd bet on Ryan making it within ten feet of the boss of Pod C.

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