A&E

The Wimpies, Cramps, And Thieves Of 60 Days In

It's Thanksgiving at the jail, and everyone's grateful...or hateful.

It's Thanksgiving at the jail, and I kept thinking about Gigi Cestone suffering an ignominious Presleyan death on the throne on The Sopranos thanks to turkey acting "like shpackle in my bowels." Not that we can really tell whether Robert ate his Thanksgiving meal, or tried to, because we still have no concept of when his story is occurring relative to the others.

And while Tami and Barbra express gratitude for their fellow inmates for helping them get through the jail experience, it's clear that the peace finally brokered in the last episode is only momentary: Barbra chooses to get hella pissed over a drawing Maryum made for her cellie, new pod boss Amber is implying that Tami has a problem re: Amber's contraband business, Isaiah's fallen in with a bad crowd in the form of Treshawn, and Zac...well, actually Zac is his usual untroubled self, graduating to a proper bunk in a room and making a useful fellow-Marine friend.

Who's the most deserving of a furlough and who needs to go to the hole in "Alone For The Holidays"? I ranked some of the episode's moments in increasing order of WTF.

  1. Tami's glee at having figured out how the contraband is getting into the jail
    She's just so happy to get to think about cop things instead of girl-world-bullshit things. It's cute.
  2. Zac's compassion for fellow Marine Brian
    I found myself wondering how much of Zac's interest in becoming a DEA agent -- like, why that law-enforcement branch and not the Marshals or something -- proceeds from his wife's issues with substance abuse, and wanting to make a difference in how we deal with addiction and crime. He's not squishy about it, but he gets why a vet might have stumbled into using and he doesn't judge.
  3. Mr. Barbra uses his dickwad powers for good
    That Barbra is this torqued over one element of a dumb drawing that's clearly just an amateurish screwup is telling, particularly the phrasing she keeps repeating, that Mr. Barbra "gave his life to" this country...and that she in turn gave up her life to support him. I don't have a ton of sympathy for her, given that the craptasticity of army-spouse life is hardly a well-kept secret, but it's interesting.

    And while it's a typically rude-ass response from the mister given that Barbra's overreaction is in his defense, "Babe. Freedom of speech" still cracked me up.

  4. Crack sticks
    You have to admire inmates' commitment to and ingenuity in getting fucked up despite the many hurdles in their way. Crack sticks -- some combination of coffee-soaked paper, e-cig works, and fire -- sound vile, but it's not like the jail provides anything else for these dudes to do with their time besides MacGyvering up a high.
  5. Amber
    I don't think I get how Amber, who apparently arrived days earlier, is the new boss in F-Pod already in that time; I definitely don't get why she's muttering darkly in Tami's direction. First of all, she had zero compunction about near-shouting around the pod that whoever found the contraband on their tray had better turn it over; why get all coy now? Second of all, did Tami even have the contraband on her tray?
  6. Treshawn isn't a good friend for Isaiah
    True, no doubt, but I can't work up much consternation about it. So he didn't stop a real bad guy from stealing someone else's Kool-Aid. How else could Isaiah be in that situation -- did they want him to wag a Gallant finger at Treshawn and get his ass kicked?
  7. Barbra's girl-world bullshit
    I absolutely understand, firsthand, how a lack of perspective develops in a ladies-only environment that offers little else to do but freak out over perceived slights, but between the getting weepy over her new besties at the Thanksgiving table and the choosing to freak out over a "black foot" stepping on an American flag in a drawing, Chinless Mahoney needs to dial it waaaaaay back. (So does Maryum, for that matter. "Take off the white hood, lady, 'cause you're crazy" sent it to another level it didn't warrant. Just tell her you didn't intend any disrespect instead of everyone retiring to different cells to natter on about this non-issue to third parties.)
  8. "I'm not here to make lifelong friends"
    If ever there were a reality show where that particular trope did not need to be made explicit, it's this one, Tami.
  9. Robert's whole...[vague hand gesture]...situation
    Let's start with how FUBAR Robert's timeline is; I have no idea whether he's had the cork-ass for two days or a week or what. It's fine to fudge that (as it were) (...hee) (sorry) (not really) if you don't draw attention to it, but the show keeps posting the "Robert's 'about to' go back to gen pop" chyrons like we won't notice a week or two has passed (as it w-- eh, never mind) out in the regular pods. And if it's going on more than 12 hours, he'd go to the infirmary, no?

    As it turns out, things reach a crisis point around Thanksgiving, which we can only conclude because the medical staff is home for the holiday weekend, but they're on call, so...why not call them? He doesn't have a burst appendix; he just needs an enema. No? Fine: take him to the ER then. And a producer tells Captain Maples she thinks it's time for Robert to see a doctor, but Maples says that, if he chooses to get emergency medical attention, he has to check out of the program. Robert doesn't want to go out like that, and who would, but Maples's rationale for not taking Robert to the ER as an inmate makes no sense to me. They "can't risk" giving medical staff Robert's fake program name? That's dumb. Just give them his real name; the chances of an ER staffer communicating to someone inside the jail that Robert came in under an alias, and/or anyone deducing from that that Robert's a plant, are disappearingly small in my opinion, and if you're that paranoid about real inmates or out-of-the-loop staff finding out, take him to the next county. Like I said, it's not a cardiac event. He just needs to shit.

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