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Reason Raw sewage.

A&E

How Much Money Would You Win Playing Poker With The 60 Days Inmates?

And other hotter-than-coffee questions from the latest episode.

Assuming that like last season, Season 2 of 60 Days In will boast 12 jailtime episodes and a (lucky) Episode 13 reunion/clip show, we're nearing the end of our sentence as viewers...and it certainly shows, as this episode was basically nothing nothing nothing plumbing problem the end. Sadly -- well, maybe not "sadly," I don't want anyone to get hurt! -- the colorful characters we've met in Clark County Jail appear to be more talk than action. Jail: it's just like middle school!

Does Sheriff Noel know the meaning of "dynamic"?

Remember how Sheri passed the guards a note last week because she claimed she was worried that Ashley (not to be confused with our faux-mate Ashleigh) was going to beat Monalisa up? This week, the note-passing is being presented less about the threat of violence than Sheri's professional contempt that her (unbeknownst to them) fellow corrections officers seem so unaware of the "rampant" drug use in F-Pod.

Because of the note, Noel says, the COs do a "dynamic entry," which made me laugh aloud as their entry seemed about as dynamic as I am when I get out of bed in the morning. That is to say, not very. The COs lumber in lackadaisically, have the women sit at the tables unsupervised, and toss the bunks with the vigor of an elderly schnauzer settling into his dog bed.

Has anyone ever had a worse poker face than the F-Pod's miscreant element?

During the first F-Pod shakedown, in full view of the camera crew (remember this, because some folks won't!), one of the members of Ashley's crew secrets what I assume is some sort of contraband in that red-and-white mug you see on the right.

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This is no Ocean's 11 slight-of-hand maneuver; the chick just reaches across the table, drops something in the cup, then clutches the cup to her bosom. Every woman within eyeshot gets the "cat that got the canary" look that I remember from when my then five-year-old sister got ready to slap down a "Wild Card Draw Four" during a game of Uno. By their demeanors I am reminded that if one were a true criminal mastermind, one would probably not be in Clark County Jail in the first place.

How unobservant are these COs?

As dumb as it is for these women to be so un-poker-faced, though, the guards seem even dumber. Like I mentioned earlier, they left these women in a group, unsupervised, while they conducted their half-assed search. Even if you didn't think it was possible that your patdown missed any contraband on their persons, for the sake of everyone's safety wouldn't you want someone down there keeping order?

Sheri, I assume, agrees with me -- and though Sheri is not always my favorite person, I completely feel for her during these moments of correctional incompetence. It's like going to a poorly-run bar with a bartender, how you see them going quietly crazy out of pure occupational pride.

And even if you're not a CO like Sheri is, I am sure you were going bonkers as the guards walked back and forth in front of the contraband cup. Right? I was yelling "OH MY GOD it's right there!" like an audience member at a midnight horror movie. But they could not hear me, and the be-bunned inmate got away scot-free.

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Also, can I tell you how shattered I was to discover as I wrote this that the mug advertises Taster's Choice instead of Folger's? I had so many many "we replaced your meth (etc.) with Folger's Crystals" jokes lined up before I edited that screenshot.

Ashley knows this is all being recorded, right?

Ashley -- who Monalisa hilariously refers to as Angry Bird, because if anyone in this crew were still playing Angry Birds it would be Monalisa -- grows angrier and angrier as The Great Coffee Cup Trick Of 2016 was not enough to quell the COs' interest in her activities. Instead, they shake down her part of the pod again, leading her to insist that someone snitched and must pay.

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Sure, she's not wrong -- Sheri dimed her out, a move that freaked Monalisa out to no end when Sheri and Ashleigh confessed to it as they approached her to confirm that she was indeed part of the program. In fact, she was unnerved enough that she declined to join their little gang.

But I digress! The point is, sure, Sheri did indeed snitch, but much of Ashley & Co.'s misdeeds have also been filmed by the sizable TV crew that's been in the pod all this time. A reasonable person's first thought might be that this group of people recording inmate behavior might share those recordings with folks like THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THE JAIL. But, again, if Ashley were that bright she wouldn't be in Clark County Jail now, would she?

Does Sheriff Noel know the meaning of "trade"?

The program participants were explicitly told not to trade commissary items, Noel says, as we're sent to a flashback of Maples telling the participants the danger of going into debt while behind bars. But doesn't use of the term "trade" imply an even exchange? Even as we meet Alex and Willie, two enterprising relatives who are running a "store" out of their bunk, the distinction is made clear. As one of them explained, the interest rate for those who run a tab can be high, as someone who requests one ramen block on Friday will be expected to pony up two by Monday. But that's not trading, that's borrowing.

So why (and I can't believe I am about to defend Ryan but here I go) is Noel getting so shitty about Ryan's clear trades? For all his honor-among-thieves bloviating, Ryan isn't dumb enough to go into debt with any of these guys -- and not only that, he's too ambitious to do so, stating repeatedly that he's eager to rise in the pod food chain, something that seems impossible for a debtor.

That's why, as obnoxious as I find Ryan (and I do find him veeeery obnoxious), I don't see what the big deal is that he's trading something he doesn't want for a nutty bar or whatever. Bartering is one of civilizations' earliest methods of creating bonds, so by doing that Ryan's actually showing admirable strategy.

Did the production just ignore a suicide threat?

Dion, who is alone in D-Pod, is cracking up. It's not evident at first because he sports what seems like a big beautiful smile, but when you listen to what he's saying -- that he isn't sure what is a dream and what is reality, that he "feels like a gladiator," and that he can't believe what's before his own eyes -- you realize that this place has driven him to distraction. This becomes painfully clear when his girlfriend Ashlee (not to be confused with Ashley or Ashleigh) visits, and he first questions if she's actually really there...

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...then appears to be telling her that he might take his own life.

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We joke around here, that's what we all do, right? But this is not fucking funny, this is horrible and upsetting and cruel. And I cannot believe (except, having watched this show, I guess I can) that after that remark the producers of this show didn't just thank Dion for his service and send him home, because this is not okay. It's something everyone who made this show should be ashamed of -- hell, I feel ashamed and I'm only writing about the damn thing.

Seriously, is the biggest moment this week a freakin' plumbing problem?

When the guards rushed into F-Pod, I was all "Binally, this is what I call a dynamic entry!" But it wasn't the possibility of contraband that put them in hustle mode, it was the news that a clogged drain in this pod is sending what appears to be raw sewage into other pods in the jail, causing what the show delicately refers to as a "health emergency."

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I agree, this is extremely vile and gross and a threat to all the inmates' health! But that in an episode where much was promised but nothing happened, it's hard not to be disgusted not just by the poo, but that this is the only movement (ha ha) the show demonstrated this week. No one went into ramen debt, got caught with contraband, or fought...but, hey, crappy drain, look out!

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